[shygirl8]

I've been wondering why it's taking me so long to get over what happened with this guy who I really liked A LOT. He APPEARED sweet and innocent, fair, respectful, reasonable, and had such a cute little belly, and really beautiful blue eyes. We only went out on like 3 dates. I worked with him too. It's been way more than a year since we went out, and about 5 months since he disappeared. Only 2 1/2 months since I heard that he moved back home to the east coast. I've been attracted to other guys since, but haven't been able to bring myself to go out with anyone. I'm so afraid to get hurt again, and quite honestly, I've become pretty bitter and jaded, and feel like what's the point? I'm afraid that all guys want from me is one thing. I guess I feel that way because it's kinda what happened with this guy. I hate to say this, but I became a fool in love. After 2 years of not dating at all, I finally found someone who I was actually interested in. Long story shortened, he led me on just long enough to get what he wanted. Not 15 minutes after, he starts explaining that he does not want a relationship. Never mentioned that ONCE the whole time I knew him before anything happened. I cried the whole next day, and tried to avoid him at work. He called me later that day at home, and I told him that he really hurt me. I explained that he should have told me that BEFORE if he was SO SURE that he did not want anything serious. It made me feel so terrible about myself, that he thought that's all I'm good for. Also, I didn't think I gave him or anyone for that matter, the impression that I was looking for casual sex. Of course I wasn't expecting an instant relationship, but I think most girls do expect the guy to like her enough, and want to continue getting to know her in other ways. Relationships grow, duh. What was he so afraid of, if anything, or was he just a plain 'ol dog feeling guilty and trying to play the good guy card? I didn't want to go out with him again although I somehow still liked him, and I don't think he wanted to take me out again if he knew he wasn't going to get any. SO, he spent the next year being nice to me to my face, even asking to take me out for my b-day, but blowing me off at the last minute......then apologizing.....and feeding me more lines that he really did like me, and is afraid of commitment. We kinda had a passive-aggressive dynamic as well. It was just so weird and confusing to me. Finally, he quit the place with no notice, and I called him only 3 times within one month. Yeah, I'm so annoying. (rolling my eyes) He never returned my call. I was sad because I thought that he was glad to be rid of me. Why are some guys such cowards that they can't tell the girl the truth, and then our imaginations take over, and we make excuses for them. So then here's where the fool in me really comes out. I wrote him a letter like I'm in the early 19th century or something. I ended up telling him I loved him, but since he can't say goodbye, I will. I get a call at 2am. I was of course sleeping, and he never left a message. I still wonder what he had to say to me. I guess I'll never know, but it was probably some drunken blabber. Then one night someone told me that he used to brag to his friends that he banged me, and blah, blah, blah. I guess he used to say some pretty disrespectful things about me, and I had no idea.(yet he claimed his mom and grandmother taught him to respect women, humpf!) So, when I heard this, I called him up, and told him that I knew what he said about me and he is a very deceptive person. I felt so stupid for doing that, so then I apologized, and feel even more stupid now because I realize that I never really had anything to be sorry for. I was honest about my feelings. He played around with me because I think I fed his ego. I wish I could tell him to not flatter himself because I finally realize that it's not that he was sooooo special. It's just unfortunate that I thought he was someone other than who he really was, and I fell for that "presentation." It bugs me that I can't get over this. I cringe when I think of how forgiving I was. I wish I could take it back because I can see how much he humiliated me now. And it makes me sooooo mad that he can just slink off, and get away with it all. I wish I could tell him that he can't treat people like that. He has no idea what someone has been through before him ,and the possible further damage his careless and selfish actions can cause. Well, this is becoming entirely too long, and I still have so much more I want to say, but won't. I'm ashamed of how much power this STILL has over me. Thanks to all who are listening, and I bet some of you can even relate, and know these feelings all too well. We deserve a little peace, don't we? someday........

the thing is... that the only way you can know if a guy is interested in a longer term relationship with you (and not just casual sex) is if you make them wait for casual sex. in particular, if you make them wait for casual sex, and you see that they have the opportunity to have causal sex with someone else, but they don't have casual sex with that other person because they are more interested in a relationship with you.

i guess that is a way of saying that relationships take time. it takes time to figure out whether someone is in it for the long haul (is seriously interested in a longer term relationship) or whether someone is in it for some hedonistic pleasure / fun. the only thing that will tell you is... time. and to see that they forsake the latter because they are more interested in the former.

it is a risk, of course. it might be that as you are fostering an intimate connection with them (that doesn't involve sex) that other girls are hitting on them and promising them a good night out. the issue is... that if they can't keep it in their pants to work on their relationship with you then they really aren't likely to be able to keep it in their pants when you go through the (fairly inevitable) tough times later... but the risk is, of course, that you will lose them because they are short sighted enough to just care about that hedonistic good time.

there is some truth in the sense of waiting and seeing whether the guy respects you. of course some relationships establish fairly quickly and go on to last, but i do think it is fair to say that they are the exception rather than the rule.

part of it does come down to your respecting yourself (making sure that the guy is committed before being physically intimate). that... can be the sexiest thing of all... so long as the guy has the emotional maturity to keep it in his pants and go with that, of course.

but really... would you really want to be with anyone else?

if not... then that might be worth working on...

[50guy]

Hi shygirl8;

Well, he played you alright. Let it be a lesson for future relationships. The guy is a cad and this is coming from a guy. He is just out there on the hunt and he made that clear with his actions and statements 15 minutes after he got in your pants. That my dear is the trademark of a low down hit and run dog.

Then he goes out and tells all his associates how he "banged" you. What a piece of trash this sorry excuse for a man is. A real man would have been up front and told you his real feelings/intentions not after he tasted the fruits of your tree.

You gave in way to soon, now learn from it. The majority of men are just like that. One day he will fall in love and it will not be reciprocated. Believe me, he better watch the seed he scatters because he'll reap what he sows.

Anyway that is my opinion. You can pick yourself up and be careful next time. Get something for what you have to give.
Don't be so easy and it will be better. Men love to persue and if you are not easy to catch they fall in love. Men do not fall in love easy but when they do, it's sickening to see.
I have seen many mighty egotistical men fall for some sweet thing that plays them like a fiddle. Seen them cry and be all emotional when they talk about loving a girl that dosen't love them. I tell them it is payback for all the girls that you ditched and used.

I could wax more phylosophical but, what will it do to brighten your outlook rather than make you more bitter.

Good Luck

[shygirl8]

I'm not an easy girl. That's the part that furiates me! I hadn't been with anyone for 2 years because I don't go for just any guy. He had been in love with someone before me, and they were engaged, and I guess she ended up cheating on him. He never told me this, I just heard through other people. I think it's why he moved away from home. (seems like the type of person who tries to run from his problems) From what I've learned from other guys who've had their heart broken is that the way they deal with it is by going around using girls. Like they are trying to get back at the girl that shattered them by treating all women like dirt. See, I can relate to that now. But, I certainly am not going to act on it, and punish other guys. I'm keeping to myself. Why should some innocent person suffer? I totally understood that he was probably still hurting from what the girl did to him, but man, why'd he have to go and pass that pain onto me? He was so lucky with me. He could have messed up some really psycho girl, and suffered property damage, slashed tires, and all that immature stuff. I guess I was just dealing with an emotionally dead human being. And now I'm messed up because I stupidly wonder, "Oh, why wasn't I special enough? Wasn't I pretty enough"........and all that crap that goes through a girls head. These guys just don't realize what they do. I can't even believe that they don't care. How can people be so heartless? How am I going to trust another guy again? He just didn't seem like that "type." I thought I was smarter than that. I thought I had a reputation for being a respected woman. I guess all that's been tested now. Oh, believe me, I wasn't easy before, and now I'm even tougher. It's just I know it's not healthy to harbor anger, but I don't know of any other way of coping, and honestly, for my personality, I think it's about time I express my anger. Just wish it could be directed toward him. He was too much of a coward though, and decided he doesn't have to listen about the harm his actions caused. Well, I'm getting a headache thinking about this too much, so I will stop here. Thanks everyone for listening.

[50guy]

Yep, he did a number on you. Weather it was intentional or not, he is gone now and you are the better for it. I'm not saying you are a bad person or anything else like that but, let this be a lesson. A lot of guys are dogs. I have counseled with many girls/women that have had their hearts broken after caring for a guy with a sob story.

Be glad he is gone and get on with your life.

[seeker1950]

Hi, Shygirl, and welcome to PC!
The situation you have experienced is exactly like the one that brought me here to PC over three years ago. As you said, "I'm not an easy girl," and neither am I. I too had been three years without dating a soul when I met a man to whom I felt very attracted. He even indicated he WAS looking for a long-term relationship when I questioned him. But after several dates including sex, I became rather anxious that that was all it was for him. It ended badly because of my concern about this, as he said it was a big part of the attraction between us. The aftermath of which you speak...the embarrassment, humiliation, blaming yourself, contacting the fella (I did too! only to get polite impersonal responses), are all part of the healing process.
You sound much like me in that you take these things very seriously, and it takes a long time to recover. The first year after this happened, I was literally a walking zombie, just putting one foot in front of the other. Shameful to have let a "cad" have so much impact on our lives.
Please PM me any time.
Love
Patty

[eskielover]

I guess I have a problem with the concept of having sex with someone after only 3 dates & yet saying that you "aren't easy" just because you hadn't dated for 2 years. It's not what you are doing when you aren't dating...it's what you do when you are dating that defines "easy".

Personally, for me, it would have to be a whole lot longer & I would have to know the guy very very well before I would ever have sex with him. I would have to know that the relationship was going to be a permanent one & have plans being made to make it permanent (ie marriage) before I would get involved at that level with a guy. I honestly don't believe that you can ever know anyone that well in that short of time to even know their intentions....even if they are saying how serious they are. I have a very different opinion of relationships, & sex is very low on the priority. If I don't have a good understanding & enjoy being with a person for the things of everyday life, then I don't have a relationship & sex can't make that good & there is no guy that will ever push me into the sex without the good everyday relationship.

I have been married for 32 years, & there are times where I still don't know my husband....so how you can know someone after 3 dates and knowing them at work....just doesn't make sense in my mind.

That is where it is important to know yourself as a woman & what you want out of a relationship & making sure you are getting what you want & not letting youself be pushed around & manipulated by the guy.

It sounded like you had plenty of chances to tell him what you thought of him & ended up backing down & saying you were sorry....Sorry for what? You finally figured yourself out at the end after he was gone.

The true test will be how you handle the next relationship....what you learned from this experience. You say the guy should have told you his intentions....why would he want to do that? Unless he lied to you & told you he wanted a serious relationship, he wouldn't have gotten what he wanted. Guys have a tendency to say nothing & leave the woman guessing....& of course, a guy would never do that!!!! No way would he treat me like that...he has to care about me if he's dating me?????? We have all kinds of rationalizations & explainations as to why a guy wants to date us....when all it just might be is for the sex & they sure won't say that!!!!

As far as him being engaged & the girl cheated on him....maybe he gave her cause to cheat...& she wasn't really cheating, but breaking up the engagement? When you don't know what really went on in the relationship, it's hard to know exactly what is the truth. Whether he was out to hurt other girls because he was hurt or that is just the way he behaves with women? You really didn't know him well enough to know the truth....you were only placing your thoughts & concepts on him....not that they were really his own.

The main thing is that relationship is over & the strange chase for the time afterwards probably shouldn't have ever happened (as you well know). Its time to let it go & get on with your life rather than obcessing over the past & what happened. Hopefully you have learned that you don't start off giving them sex unless you are also in it for the fun because that is what most guys will think when on the first few dates sex becomes part of it. Remember that relationships grow into sex....if the other parts aren't there & the feelings aren't there, very seldom does a relationship grow out of sex.

Hope some other views about relationships will help you think about yours in the future,
Debbie

[seeker1950]

Debbie,
I've thought a lot about your post to shygirl, even rereading it a couple of times. I do this because I reflect on my own behavior frequently in the arena of dating, and though I don't consider myself "easy,"....in a sense I WAS!! though "naive" is probably a more accurate term.
I'm older than Shygirl, since I'll soon turn 57 and divorced 11+ years. In that time, I've heard the "we aren't spring chickens anymore, and should get on with enjoying ourselves" line I can't tell you how often!
In my past now going on 4 years of solitude and not dating, I've recounted my mistakes with some abhorrance. I realize, for instance, that I am not one of those women who has been showered with gifts and diamond rings, and wonder what the difference is in those women and me???
I know women who are like this, wearing their diamonds and talking proudly of their husbands and families, but, in truth, I have little in common with these women and quite honestly, don't even like them much!
The lesson learned from my experiences, is that I've been too generous, too giving, too willing to please, without looking after myself first! I am literally one of those people who would give the shirt off my back to someone in need.
Realizing this about myself is why I've abstained from dating and meeting anyone. I don't think it is good to label someone "easy" because of this kind of nature, and I think Shygirl is much like me in this respect.
Love,
Patty

[eskielover]

Patty,

I have to agree with your term "naive" definitely applies much more than the word "easy"..I definitely think that explaines the behavior much more than "easy"....thank you for providing the correct word. I agree that easy are girls that are out to just have fun with sex & want to do it right off without having any relationship.....where the naive does think there is a relationship there however wrong that thought is in reality.

I never could understand the women that get the huge diamond rings & absolutely live for their husbands....the question I always have is who are they other than the wife? Some women are very happy & do have a life while being that way.....I am sure their being is based on the charities they are involved in & the groups they are involved it. The one idea that I just couldn't understand was my Mother & my grandmother & probably many other women around that time who the only thing is seemed was that they were the slaves to their husbands....nothing outside of the house....cleaning & cooking everyday & nothing else. I know my Mother was happy with that life & had no concept of how I wanted more out of my life....I wanted MY life & not my life for someone else. I still feel that way....which is probably why I don't have a successful marriage. I have never been willing to live for someone else & no one in my life has been or ever will be that important to me. Maybe it is selfish, but I need to know that I am a person not based on who I am to someone else. I believe that a marriage can actually be that way if the right 2 people get together....guess I just wasn't lucky enough to find that person & have been tolerating....or maybe I should say fighting where I have been for too many years.

I remember guys in college would try to pressure me into being what they wanted....as soon as they tried....DUMP!!!!....but I swore watching my Mother & my Grandmother that I would never allow my life to go that way. I know that most of my Mothers problem was that she had no self esteme ever & I ended up even as a child in grade school pushing her into volunteering her & getting out of the house.

The sad thing was that she became herself only after my Dad died..until then, she was living & doing all for him & not for herself.....why one looses themselves for someone else is beyond me.

I will do for others...I have opened my house to people who have needed a home....I have helped people out with things they need, but I have limits & then they start imposing themselves beyond those limits....that is when I cut things off. Over the years, I have learned where the appropriate limits are...between helping others & not being good to myself. I think that is the important thing in how we allow men to treat us....if our actions demand respect....I have found that is comes naturally.....when we allow people to walk all over us & take advantage of us.....even in relationships.....that is when we get hurt & the sad thing is that we have allowed it most of the time.

Honestly I don't know where my thoughts came from because it wasn't what I was brought up with or around......the individual in me has always been there....sometimes a bit lost, but it's always there underneath fighting to get out.

I haven't won huge diamond rings with this attitude, but what I have if of much more value to me than diamonds

Debbie

[agony007]

eskie,

u have really expressed yourself beautifully. I agree with much of what u stated. i find it wonderful that u were able to break the cycle. my grandmother was very strongwilled but had those same "old fashioned feeling" about women and their homes and "responsibilities" to their hugoing sbands. i always told her that i would not be a slave to any man! haha. i have not been in the best marriage but we are working on it and i am happy to say that my husband helps with alot of the household chores, hehe.

shygirl,

u definitely have to put this guy in your past! the should'ves could'ves, would'ves r not going to take u anywhere. the fact is u gotta build your confidence and recognize that u were too good for that jerk and ultimately it is his loss. i agree with 50 that u are better off without him. and u should get to know someone alot better before sharing the most intimate thing u have with them. once u have sex that curiousity is gone. i wish u much luck with everything.

[TYMBERWOLV]

Shy,

I going to have to agree with most of the people comments in their responses to you.... 50 is correct most men have one thing on their minds when starting to date women ... it kind of feeds into their ego's

Suggestion is that this is one man .... You are giving this one man control over a part of your life ... Does he deserves this I dont feel that he earned it ....

So lets take this approach before becoming intimate with another person makes sure that their intentions are true... As 50 stated when a man is in love you know they are .... Its in the words and actions

The phrase " I love you " is used so frequently anymore to get what people want .... It has been a challenge for me personally because dealing with others feelings the " I love you " phrase isn't used unless I truly have feelings .....

As far as Agony's relationships are like another full time job .... you decide to take the good with the bad .... when in love nothing can penetrate thru those walls....

I have no clue of the age bracket this DAWG is in but maturity might have a big factor on his decisions... and as far as being respectfull well momma / grandma failed that department ... or maybe the student wasnt listening ... Well the bragging issue hell my 38 year old brother brags on how he banged this girl..... Not impressed ... because to me I want to know the inner working of others before I want to sleep with them .... Love is a powerfull thing when you are truly in love



David

[50guy]

Hey David,

You're on the mark with the Momma/grandma didn't teach him right or, he didn't listen.

My Mother and Grandfather taught me to respect women.

I listened.

Eric

[TYMBERWOLV]

Eric

I know Im from the ol school as they call it ... You open doors for the ladies... Hold doors never allowed a woman to walk behind me.. the yes sire yes ma'am thing ...

The kids of new lack all kinds of respect



Dave

[shygirl8]

Yes, age was most likely a factor. (aren't we adults at 24 though? i don't know) I'm sure it was a number of other things too. There's more to it than just what I've written. I've actually had some fairly wise people who know him as well tell me that he really did like me, but he had some serious problems, and was more messed up than I thought.
I think I've figured out what it really is that is bothering me. There's a definite double standard when I may be considered easy because I slept with him after 3 dates (knew him for 6 months prior) yet it is widely accepted and even expected these days that men will tabulate a one night stand score card. And the used girl is just supposed to label him a jerk, and move on. They should not be allowed to get away with that behavior. It really is unacceptable, and I would like to hear more women speak out against it. It seems like we've just learned to deal with it, forget it, move on, and make the same mistakes over and over again because.....oh well, boys will be boys, and hey if a girl is dumb enough to fall for it, she's fair game.......Men have a conscience. I expect them to listen to it. There are so many women now who've grown up without a father, and have never been taught how to read a man. We have to learn things the hard way. And just the same, guys have grown up without their dads to teach them to respect and honor women. We can't let them run around like wild packs of dogs doing whatever they want. It happened to me once. I could have kept sleeping with him hoping that he would eventually fall in love with me. But, I caught on real early. I wasn't going to compromise myself any further, however when you have feelings for someone, they don't just magically disappear. He was really lucky to have my heart, but the more I think about it, he probably just couldn't handle it at this time. Oh, and I re-read what 50 said. I think he actually meant don't give your heart away so easily. I guess next time I fall for someone, I just will try my best not to show it.

[agony007]

shygirl,

i am speaking for myself right now. i understand your frustration, and its not my intention to minimize what this guy has done to you, but honestly what do u expect anyone else to do about it? yes it is unacceptable behavior but as u said he is an adult and so are u. no one can correct his behavior but himself and thats if he even wants to. i wasn't brushing it it off as "boys will be boys" because i have 2 sons and my husband and i are doing our best to raise them with values. if they were to treat a woman that way i would not excuse their behavior because of their gender.