Being threatened to be kicked out of a meet up group

Because I have been a member for 6 months, and haven't attended a meet up yet.

The woman organizer who wrote me the message, asked if there was a reason why I haven't been to a meet up yet in the 6 months I've been in it. And she told me to respond because if I didn't she'd delete me.

The thing I found weird, was I'd been planning on going to their meet up yesterday because it was in my area, and sounded fun. But I was on the mend from a really bad stomach bug, and thought not to chance it. I even wrote a message on the groups wall say that it sounded fun, but that I was getting over being sick and wouldn't be able to attend.

Another thing I found weird, was that they have over 700 members. I'm confused about why a group of that size would delete members. I thought it was only in the 50 member range you'd need to delete members.

I ended up asking the woman who wrote me the message, if they were reducing their members, because I felt singled out. I even told her that. I wasn't rude. But I needed to say something.

I might be having an overly emotional reaction to this. I just feel hurt and rejected and threatened. I also feel like it was a strange email, and got the feeling like she was on some kind of power trip. Though she may very well might be deleting people who don't attend. I just thought it was weird I got her message after I wrote on their wall yesterday.

Dealing with emotions...

Thanks so much for the hugs Skeez! I was really dysregulated earlier and this (what I posted about) triggered me into it.

I guess nobody else really knows what to say or how to help. That's ok though. I ended up heading to the library. There's an event near my apt. though, and there were cars everywhere. So I went back home and ate salad, journaled, and set up my cable.

I belong to several meetup groups and have seen messages like this from time to time. Haven't received any addressed specifically to me - they were all mass mailings. I get the impression that this is a fairly common practice for group organizers trying to trim down their member base to people who are truly interested (which tends, on average, to be a tiny percentage of their membership). One thing to remember is that Meetup charges organizers more per month if their group has more than 50 members. If an organizer wants to save money, it makes sense to whittle the numbers down to the active members only.

That being said, I think this woman should have given you more of a chance. You expressed interest even though you couldn't attend a particular event. To me, that says you're serious about the group and should be allowed to stay in. Apparently she sees it differently. Did she ever reply to the message you sent? If not - or if she did, and stuck to her original position - maybe she's just an unpleasant individual and not someone you'd want to deal with anyway.

Hello Persephone. Ok, yes, she did respond, and it was a little defensive (she wasn't trying to single me out). It made ME feel defensive. But I decided to say "no worries" and "I'm having an off night" and "thank you for explaining" and "it was just the way I felt, I wasn't saying you were singling me out." and she was receptive!

So true. Sounds like a lot of drama is involved with this meetup group. A meetup group needs to be a place that welcomes all members. This group seems to want members to leave. Ahem ... this is a warning sign of a toxic meetup group that should be avoided.

I'm a meetup organizer and while I haven't sent out any messages like this myself, I understand the reasoning. We have to pay dues to run the group and you pay more if you have more members. There's also a problem with people RSVPing to events and then not showing up-- which costs us money and sometimes makes the activities less enjoyable (because you need a certain number for participation). I've probably personally spent about $300 that were wasted because I had to buy supplies or pay in advance for tickets for people who no-showed or cancelled day of. I haven't personally made a big deal out of those things because I've also been a member who has had to cancel day-of due to illness, so I can understand both sides.

I used to do that (rsvp and not show up) a LONG time ago with some meet up groups. I had bad social anxiety, and while I wanted to go, it was too hard at that time. I don't do that anymore. If I have a feeling I won't be able to make it, or won't show up, I won't rsvp at all, and then day of I will consider just showing up (as long as its not something like with tickets or a certain number of people are allowed to rsvp). I was an organizer for a group once, and I remember the membership plans were basic (50 or less), and then unlimited which was any number, and this group has over 700.

I just thought it was a little strange, her email to me, because there's over 700 people. She told me she's not the type of organizer to keep people in her group if they never go. So I guess that's the kind of organizer she is. I was a bit put off by her defensive response to me. She was like "Why would I single you out? I don't even know you." But I decided to be open and kind anyway, and it turned out fine.

I feel like I myself had a very emotional reaction to this for some reason. Which was why I explained to her I felt singled out and wanted to check out why she sent me the email. But she seemed to take this as an attack on her. I used an I statement. "I felt singled out when you sent me that email. Are you reducing the number of members in your group for some reason?" But you can't see facial expression in an email or tone of voice.

I'm pretty much over this and ready to start my day now. Thanks for the support and perspectives.