Online Dating: A Nightmare or a Good Way to Meet People?

I think it makes sense only if the issues are severe and may interfere with the normal functioning of the relationship. Then the person knows ahead of time what they're getting into. My issues do not interfere in my relationships very much and are generally pretty mild. So I don't think it should be such a big deal or even a dealbreaker. I would much rather let the person get to know the real me without pre-judging me if I reveal something so personal too soon and it gives them concern when they don't even fully know me yet. I want him to see that I am pretty stable before revealing anything personal about past issues.

I agree with artchic but I do understand what you are saying. You don’t need to be “open book” (my therapist says that) with everyone you date if it’s not serious yet. The only concern is that you don’t really casually date him as you are into him very much and are already exclusive/intimate. But then again it doesn’t mean he is “the one”. If you only had 6 dates, it’s no rule you have to disclose after 6 dates. Being intimate isn’t a big deal I guess. I once slept with the guy on the first date.

Unrelated to this though why the heck they put you on meds if you only occasionally have situational depression. They now medicate people when they are simply upset over something circumstantial? So you don’t have a diagnosis of depression or anxiety? That’s not MI imho. It certainly would be silly to just tell people you get depressed in depressing situations. Everyone does

My posts all post twice ugh

thanks, Divine. I agree with that.

the meds are really more preventative at this point. I went off my AD when I was dealing with a situation and got somewhat depressed again, so they keep me on them just so I don't go downhill. I guess it makes sense.

I personally would rather learn skills to regulate my emotions than to take meds just in case a situation hapoens that causes me to feel depressed & I get mire depressed intil the short term or long term situation is over.

But then again the horrible side effects I had with those meds were worse than depression any day.

You might look into a T eho does DBT or talk to your T about DBT. the skills taught are useful for people who are not just BPD. I was dealing with major depression triggered & extended by situation, major anxiety, anorexia, & hit with PTSD on top of that 10 years after the depression started. DBT was the most useful therapy I ever had....learned skills I hadnt known, reinforced those I knew, put words to emotions I couldnt understand or express. Definitely the most useful 2 years of therapy out of the 22 years in therspy I ever had.

Thanks! Yeah, I may do that once I am on my own again. Right now, I am fine with the meds.... I feel happy (for the most part) and stable and I don't want to mess around with that.

People you meet in person can be vile yet deceive you, too. More dangerous as many people are lulled into a false sense of security when able to see another person’s face, meet them in an offline fashion, etc.

I met my partner on OKC and we’ve been seeing each other for over a year. She’s the most wonderful person. The ratios of good versus creepy online are the same as they are in person. You can just shop a bit better online.

I also agree on waiting to reveal certain things, though it’s good to let someone know that there are things you’re not ready to discuss yet.

Interesting. You're right -- ppl can deceive either way... online or offline, it almost doesn't matter. People will still deceive others..... it IS easier to shop online, I gotta say. Many more options seem to be available! That's so great you met your gf on OkC! How wonderful. I am glad it's working out for you two.

I don't even know if it's necessary to say that there are things you're not willing to discuss yet, unless someone is probing or asking pointed, relevant questions. In my viewpoint, unless it comes up, there's no reason to reveal deeper things and unless you're comfortable with it.

Thank you! I did have to weed through quite a lot to find a good one.

I waited until things were exclusive and getting serious to say that. But I do think it’s important at that point to let someone know you’ve not shared absolutely all the pertinent aspects of your life/history. That said, I didn’t actually tell her what “it” was until a little while ago.

This makes sense to me....

Openess, communication and honesty are all keys to making a relationship work. Keeping secrets from your SO only serves to cause a rift to develop between the two of you. If you want to be serious and take the relationship to a more exclusive level, you shouldn't be holding back anything. Transparency builds deep emotional connections and strengthens the relationship.

I know I would want my SO to be open about his mental health issues and if I found out he was keeping that part of himself secret from me, I'd be hurt and resentful that he didn't trust me enough to tell me.

I feel mental health has such an unfiar taboo label put on it and that we need to bring it out of the dark shadows from which its being hid and make it a common discussion that no one feels ashamed to have.

So I take an antidepressant, antianxiety and mood stabilizer medications to keep stable? So what? I'm not going to hide that information. I take meds. Nobody is perfect. We all have an imperfection somewhere and mine happens to be with my mood stability. Either date me as I am, meds and all, or go look elsewhere.

Didn't we already cover this? We have differing opinions. I agree with your perspective in general about openness, etc, but I disagree that mental health issues need to be disclosed right away... all in due time and only when one is comfortable disclosing them, such as when the relationship gets more serious.I am only just repeating my prior thoughts. I really don't want to get into it all over again.

I think the kind of openness is necessary when people are looking for serious commitment/possibly marriage. It’s necessary for having a true bond and for honesty reasons. BUT I don’t think people need to disclose if they are just dating fur fun/good times/friendship and what not.

If you are crying about your ex then, yeah, it's likely too soon to have a clean slate to bring a new man into your life.

Consciously or unconsciously this is probably what he is after. Putting a psychological pressure on you not to date other men.

Hi Golden_Eve,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through that! I'm not sure what I want to add but I want to ask do you have that Skype?
Is there any way to talk through that once you've found someone that is interesting?
That way you know what the person looks like. I'm not a big expert but usually when the person posts more than one kind of picture on their profile that's a good sign.
It's difficult meeting people. I guess you could research online some clubs to join depending on your interest for example if you like to ski, or bowl, that's a good alternative to the online dating OR a supplement to online dating.
Meetup is also a possibility don't know if you've ever heard of meetup. Go google them up if not.
Unfortunately there are a lot of insecure & pushy people out there that won't let you be YOU or give you some space....UGH!
I feel for you because I've had some really bad dates & unfortunately it was enough to keep me single. But I don't want you to give up like I have.
Keep your head up. I hope you have some friends for some support.
I hate hearing about anyone especially other females that are having a difficult time meeting anyone. Makes me sad.
Keep your head up! I'm rooting for you.

She specifically said at the beginning of this thread that she wanted a serious long term relationship though, not just "fun/friendship/good times and whatnot"...

I'm sorry, I just don't want to see her make mistakes that'll cost her this relationship. Maybe I should quetly take my leave from this thread...

Well, I'm not getting serious yet and have only had six dates..... I did say that previously, but I really like this guy now and don't want to stop...

that's a really interesting perspective... hmmm.... I hadn't thought of it from that angle. I wonder???

Awwww... thanks! If the online thing doesn't work out, I may try other routes. Hugs! thank you for your kind thoughts!

Nooo need to leave..... and thanks for the concern. My online profile said I was just looking for fun right now and nothing serious yet.... so, that being said, we are having fun and are not serious yet, but I do see some potential.

I read a lot of this, but can I ask some catch up questions?

How old are you? How old is he?

Now here is the blunt part: Do you want to date a man with 4 children?

I am not saying you should or shouldn't. I know a lot of men that I met online who had children, wanted to get serious and married very soon. I am older, but I have 2 kids. I wouldn't date a man with 4 kids unless he looked like Brad Pitt.

And I would tell someone about my MI after I felt we were serious. If it is casual dating- why tell?

Sure... I am 47, he is 44. I am definitely open to dating someone with four kids. I absolutely adore kids!! My ex ex had one daughter, whom I fully embraced and loved. Four is a lot, I admit, but I am open to it. Christmas would be tough financially though, if I need to buy presents for his four kids plus my entire family which includes three nephews. But that's getting WAY ahead.

That being said, I more so live in the moment and go with the flow of life, so I would have to see how I really felt if we did get serious & if I got involved with his life more deeply, but I don't think that it would bother me any. I always thought that I would adopt kids myself.

Given that he was divorced only a year ago, I know he's not ready to jump into another marriage right away, which is just fine with me, given that I broke off an engagement not too long ago..... he has told me he is open to anything happening, including us falling in love.

Your Brad Pitt comment made me chuckle, lol.

And yes, I agree. We are only just casually dating right now. We're not exclusive and it hasn't come up yet that we should be exclusive. I honestly think it would be weird and a red flag at this stage if I DID bring up something as heavy as mental health issues from the past. That's a deeper discussion for another time down the road when we've become exclusive, when we know each other FAR better and when I feel I can trust him with this information.

Ok. I skimmed your profile.

Didn't you just have a breakup last month?