Online Dating: A Nightmare or a Good Way to Meet People?

Dec 08, 2017, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Regardless of where you find dates, whether online or elsewhere, there will be duds to wade through. From my experience online dating has a higher amount of people just looking to hook up because it is a lot easier than asking someone to their face "Would you like to have casual sex?"

That being said, you will find good people in the online dating area as well. It just may be a bit harder to find them among the large amount of people just looking for casual hookups. I met my current partner on this site actually, and it's the healthiest relationship I've been in so you just never know.

Yes... As others have pointed out, they have found either a marriage partner online or a significant other. I am very surprised at having found someone I really like online. I expected soooo differently when I first started this thread. I expected just as you're saying -- casual hookups and frogs. But this guy found me right away, and I didn't need to wade through for very long.

Granted, I don't know him that well yet, it's only been seven dates, but we've been having a ton of fun and he seems like a good guy. He COULD turn into a toad, and I have yet to find that out, but so far so good.

eskielover · Dec 08, 2017, 04:02 PM

Yes, there is a LOT MORE that goes into a relationship than just having FUN if it ever gets to tbat point.

Dec 08, 2017, 04:06 PM

I know that and am well aware. I am 47 and have had lots of relationships. I am not 18. But right now, we're having fun, and that's what I wanted. Nothing wrong with that. It may/may not turn into anything more. Why do I feel like people need to keep busting my balls on practically everything I say.

divine1966 · Dec 08, 2017, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I know that and am well aware. I am 47 and have had lots of relationships. I am not 18. But right now, we're having fun, and that's what I wanted. Nothing wrong with that. It may/may not turn into anything more. Why do I feel like people need to keep busting my balls on practically everything I say.

I think people just don’t want you to get hurt. I sure don’t. I hope you will not get hurt in this process. I hope you are really sure on what you are looking for and don’t just do what men want. You were looking for love and life partner but then all of a sudden you are ok with nonexclusive casual sex. I dint want to end bad. Is he still using dating sites?

Dec 08, 2017, 04:28 PM

thanks, Divine. I do appreciate your concern. I don't want to get hurt, either. A female can be just as empowered sexually as a man and have casual sex. I don't know if he is still using the site.... I haven't checked and won't. I never do what men want.. I do what I want to do. I wasn't pressured into having sex, I wanted to. I feel empowered, if anything, and am enjoying myself. I will be careful.... I am being careful and am watching for an red flags or warning signs, but so far I haven't seen anything. I'm just taking things one day at a time, one step at a time.

Dec 09, 2017, 09:02 AM

Well, it was our eighth date which included our first sleepover. It was wonderful, but I am not sure if our sexual styles entirely match up. Hmmm. Not to be TMI, but we're a tad different in that department. It still could work. Now is the real test to see if he is still interested after sex twice and after a sleepover..... I'm going to let him do the pursuing.

divine1966 · Dec 09, 2017, 11:06 AM

Sometimes when you don’t build emotional connection first, then it seems sexual styles don’t match either. Are you comfortable enough discussing sexual styles with him? You might just not know him enough (unless of course sexual types is something specific like BDSm etc). What does he tell you in regards to his interest in you?

12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sometimes when you don’t build emotional connection first, then it seems sexual styles don’t match either. Are you comfortable enough discussing sexual styles with him? You might just not know him enough (unless of course sexual types is something specific like BDSm etc). What does he tell you in regards to his interest in you?

Hmmm.... we did talk about it a little bit, and he said he can be flexible and give me what I need and want. He has told me he has strong feelings for me.... I feel like we're starting to build more of an emotional connection. We've had deeper conversations about world religions, God, spirituality, politics, and our own beliefs.... I feel like we're getting to know each other at a very natural pace..... we seem to relate on a number of levels. I suppose I have only mentioned the fun times, the dancing and the music, but it all feels good and I like the pace of things.

riptide53 · Dec 09, 2017, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Oh Lordy. I've started online dating and now have a profile on two dating sites.

Yesterday, I had to deal with two different creeps. One wanted to dress me up in specific clothing for our first meeting!!! He suggested I wear my cowgirl hat and boots and perhaps even fishnet stalkings!!! AND sent me a sexy pic of a woman dressed in this way. EW!!! I have to now back out of this meeting.

Another got all pushy with me when I said I was too tired to talk on the phone yesterday, but had to go out to dinner. He said "oh, so you have the energy for dinner, but not to talk to me for a minute?" I had told him I would call tomorrow instead. PUSHY!!!! So, I am backing out of communicating with him!

This is reminding me of the last time I tried to online date, last year. I met someone whose ex wife had gotten a restraining order on him. NO THANK YOU. And someone else who just wanted to drink and party all night. NO THANK YOU AS WELL.

I've met a couple of relatively good men through online dating in the past, but now I am wondering if this really is a good avenue for meeting DECENT people????

People online can pretend to be whomever they want. They often lie and present a facade. People troll, and God knows who is TRULY behind the picture. It's a bit scary in fact to think about WHO you're really talking to and IF they're for real.

But I don't know how else to meet people. I don't have enough money to join singles' clubs and activities that require funds.... except maybe a hiking group.

Has anyone had a positive experience from online dating??? Fallen in love even or met their true match?

My sister met her boyfriend of now four years on Match.com. That's one of the sites I'm on, so I am hoping I, too, can meet a relatively normal, stable and decent person. But right now, I am very wary because of these two men and am doubtful.

I'm probably somewhat older than you but it's very tough to find someone sincere, they say they are, maybe even believe it but my take is they really don't know what they want. BE real careful of scammers- the best looking pics are usually the ones, plus if they say they're widowed. I lost 8K to some sob in nigeria. Don't settle, it will happen in time.

Artchic528 · Dec 10, 2017, 02:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Hmmm.... we did talk about it a little bit, and he said he can be flexible and give me what I need and want. He has told me he has strong feelings for me.... I feel like we're starting to build more of an emotional connection. We've had deeper conversations about world religions, God, spirituality, politics, and our own beliefs.... I feel like we're getting to know each other at a very natural pace..... we seem to relate on a number of levels. I suppose I have only mentioned the fun times, the dancing and the music, but it all feels good and I like the pace of things.

Have you told him about living with your parents yet? That's important.

Dec 10, 2017, 04:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Have you told him about living with your parents yet? That's important.

Yes, and he is Ok with it (or so it seems).

Dec 10, 2017, 08:13 AM

the morning after our first overnight when he drove me home he said that he's got to get busy and may not be able to come out Tuesday night because he's now broke. I am a little worried that he now wants to back off. But then later in the morning he texted about me sleeping over again, so now I don't know what's up.

He IS in a transition in his career and complains about not having enough time to focus on getting a different career path going and a different job. He dislikes his current job, which takes up 6 days of the week. So perhaps he is just telling me he needs to focus on his career more, but I hope he's not backing away.

Artchic528 · Dec 10, 2017, 09:12 AM

This is why I don't personally sleep with a guy before being exclusive if I want it to be more than casual sex. I want the guy to prove to me he wants more than sex before letting him have access to that.

I hope it all works out!

Dec 10, 2017, 09:14 AM

Thank you! And yes.... that would have been wise on my part. But I enjoy sex and wanted to.... hope it wasn't a mistake!!! Guess I need to just wait this out and see how things unfold.

divine1966 · Dec 10, 2017, 09:25 AM

I really don’t know any working adults especially with children who can date so much. The most grown people I know go on dates is one date the weekend and then eventually add up one night a week having dinner date after work usually just meeting there due to lack of time driving each other back and forth.

I was very surprised that someone with full time job and FOUR kids can have time and energy and money to go on that many dates especially dates that aren’t an hour in a coffee shop but involve concerts and dancing and driving back and forth. I even said that to you. Now he perhaps realizing now that this is unrealistic especially since he is changing his career and he is understably broke (with 4 kids? Of course he is broke. I can only imagine amount of Child suppport)

So him wanting to skip a date isn’t personal and likely just reflects his currrng situation. I don’t know what to think about overnight suggestions.

It’s all could be just normal circumstances of life but in my experience if I have that many questions about the guy and his intentions it’s usually not a good sign.

Personally I’d keep my options open. You need Mr. Right not Mr. Right Now. Also if you want to have the kind of life style with out and about look for a guy with either grown children or none. It makes a big difference.

Dec 10, 2017, 09:30 AM

Thanks, Divine. I suppose perhaps it was unrealistic for us to be seeing each other that much. But I just took it that he was excited to meet me and wanted to see me a lot.... you're right though, perhaps now he is coming down to reality and realizes that it's not feasible to keep up that pace. He seems to see his kids fairly often -- 1-2 times per week.

I really like him, though. I've always wanted someone who enjoys the same music as me. It's so important to me, and it's rare that I find this in addition to someone who is responsible, a nice person and mature. That being said, he could still turn into a frog!

Maybe I WILL keep my options open, as you suggested.

divine1966 · Dec 10, 2017, 10:28 AM

He doesn’t need to be turning into a frog, people could be nice just not available. Does he not have kids every other weekend? Where does he see the kids? At his place? No overnights? Why?

Of course if you only want casual sex and fun then none of it matters, but if that’s all you wanted you wouldn’t have all these questions and concerns. You clearly want more, then you need to go about it with a different approach.

It’s good to have common hobbies and interests but you are running a risk missing on potential good men by focusing on their hobbies. Are you a musician? Write? Perform? Or just like listening to music? If a man is into you then he’ll keep company to you regardless. Also find friends and hobby groups you can do things with (listening to music), don’t expect Men to meet all your needs and be your company for those hobbies.

Do you have girlfriends to hang out with?

Dec 10, 2017, 10:43 AM

He seems to see them every Sat night and Sunday all day and also once during the week, and yes, with sleepovers at his place.

Eventually I will want something more..... either with him or someone else. I want to ease back into relationships myself. I am not fully ready to be serious. I would like to have things develop slowly over time. I don't want to get hurt again.

I do have girlfriends, but they're all occupied with their lives, husbands, or work. It's hard to find people at my age to go out with, though I do have a lot of friends and acquaintances and can also go to these events alone.

I am not a musician myself, but music is my greatest passion that I want to also share with someone. My ex came with me to see my bands, but he would just sit there, holding my hand while I danced. It was awful. I felt held back. He also always wanted to leave early, when I wanted to stay until the end. He held me back from fully being able to have fun. I want the opposite now.

Music has always been a HUGE part of my life and always will be. I will see bands until I am old and cannot go anymore. I will dance until I can no longer. I will go to camping music festivals for as long as I live. I want a partner who shares this same passion. I cannot live without it. And I cannot be with someone realistically who does not feel the same way about music. I have tried, and it just doesn't work out. This guy is the same exact way. He's in fact a musician and plays in a band. I love that about him. My ex was a singer in a band, but did not share the passion and his music tastes were quite different than mine. It never quite jelled in that way for us, and like I mentioned, he put a big damper on my fun times out. This guy dances with me all night long... I love that!!!

divine1966 · Dec 10, 2017, 11:25 AM

Nothing wrong with taking things slow and let it develop slow. But it’s not what you are doing though. So there is a contradiction. When you want things to go slow you space your dates out and see them maybe once a week for a date, you don’t talk all day and don’t see th all the time and you certainly don’t sleep together.

There is also nothing wrong with relationships that develop fast, sometimes people just know early on that it’s “the one.”

In your case there is a disconnect imho: you want things slow but you do them fast, you do things fast but you don’t know where it’s going.

Nothing wrong with both enjoying same interests. Having things in common does help.

Talking about dancing, I could never find a man who would dance (i am not a big dancer but would on occasion yet men just wouldn’t ), my husband is an awful dancer but he’d dance just to make me happy. He still tells people how I dragged him to do Hava Nagila at my cousins bar mitzvah and he got dizzy and almost fell over poor guy hahaha

Dec 10, 2017, 11:34 AM

Ha, I'm busted, lol. You're soooo right about the contradiction! I am a walking contradiction. I want to take things more slowly but I guess I really don't know how! I have always taken things at a faster pace.... relationships that is. BUT that being said, this go around, I am not saying "I love you" within the first month. That is a mistake I have made repeatedly!! So while I may be taking things at a faster pace, I want feelings to develop naturally and over time....

And yes, it really does help to share this passion with someone.

That's kind of funny about your hubbie, lol.

Artchic528 · Dec 10, 2017, 01:25 PM

If I am correct you also said you would run away from sex, but I understand hormones take the wheel sometimes. These things happen.

I admit I'm jealous that you got farther with your guy friend than I have with my bf.

Dec 10, 2017, 01:33 PM

Yes... I probably did say that, but I am far too sexual of a person, lol. I hadn't had sex in months, so it was really nice to finally have some.

Hmmm..... wondering what's up with you and your bf.. I hope things improve!!!! Put on some sexy lingerie and seduce him!!

Artchic528 · Dec 10, 2017, 01:38 PM

Well, the fact that he lives in Hungary and I in the USA might be a bit of a problem seducing wise. We talk on Skype every day and are making plans to get together IRL though.

Dec 10, 2017, 01:41 PM

Oh wow. That is some serious long distance!! You must really care for each other to carry on a relationship... Video Skype is totally necessary in that case. I am glad you are seeing him soon!! Hoorayyy!!! Something to look forward to.

divine1966 · Dec 10, 2017, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Ha, I'm busted, lol. You're soooo right about the contradiction! I am a walking contradiction. I want to take things more slowly but I guess I really don't know how! I have always taken things at a faster pace.... relationships that is. BUT that being said, this go around, I am not saying "I love you" within the first month. That is a mistake I have made repeatedly!! So while I may be taking things at a faster pace, I want feelings to develop naturally and over time....

And yes, it really does help to share this passion with someone.

That's kind of funny about your hubbie, lol.

Well if we always do things the same way, we’d always get the same result. If our actions don’t bring us desirable results we should change our actions or we can complain about it and not change it. You can slow things down by allowing feelings develop first and have sex second. And limit number of dates. Its doable. Inform the guy of your intentions (no sex until you are serious) and have him on the same page.

Also desires and passions and wanting to have sex isn’t something unique that only you possess. All of us are sensual and passionate but it’s ok to wait longer. It’s ok to become exclusive and fall in Love first and have sex second.

Again there is no rule you need to take things slowly of course but if you repeatedly go for wrong guys and have unsatisfying relationships something has to change. Type of men and/or how you do things etc depends what is that you are doing wrong. It’s ok to go with the flow but it doesn’t bring the result you are looking for

Menu

Online Dating: A Nightmare or a Good Way to Meet People?

My Support Forums