[littleowl2006]

Hello dears,
it is a never-ending story - the messeed up relationship with me and my mom and it tortures me.
I am currently working 20-22 hours a week and working on my master's degree, which is a bit overwhelming and requires a lot of concentration. My mother however doesn't see why I shouldn't be texting her every day and as soon as I ignore her for a while, she gets really mad at me. Messages as "Hi mom, I am really busy, will call as soon as I am up to it" are being ignored and boundaries only aggravate her. Then she likes to send me psycho-style, guilt-trippy texts and tells me I am mean and selfish. On the other hand, she suffocates me with presents I don't need or want and invites me on trips she knows I don't want to take and it is all too much. If I however suggest something like an activity or a visit, she doesn't want to do it. It is either her way and then immediately, or I am a "bad daughter". She doesn't pay attention to what I say I want or need one bit and constantly tries to force me into things that I don't want, like going hiking. (I have hated hiking trips all my life and she knows it, however that's all she wants to do together when I visit her or she comes to visit me. It's really frustrating!)
My mom and I don't live in the same part of the country, partly because when I moved out I wanted to be far away from everything and heal. I really cannot deal very well with her, but she is the only family I have left and as bad as it sounds, she raised me and wasn't as neglectful as my dad. She's crazy, but I love her so I'm looking for a coping method so I can spend time with her without feeling guilty or going into deep depression mode.
At the moment I am doing this:
- I limit the time I spend with her (makes her angry)
- I try to be calm and direct when communicating what is ok and what isn't (which she ignores)
- I'm telling myself it's not my fault (tough one)
In the past I have tried to talk with her, but oh boy has that been useless. She tends to blow up and leave when confronted with her own behaviour. Therapy is for crazy people like me and anyways I am creating the problem all by myself (I am making it all up you know - did I mention she also is a huge gaslighter?)

Do you have family members who make you feel like crap all the time? How do you draw boundaries with people who do not accept boundaries? Any comment would be appreciated!

Sometimes all you can do is take time outs. Even as a child, when I became overwhelmed, I would run out of the house (could only do this in the daytime) and take long bike rides or hikes. In the evenings, after dinner, I would stay in my room with the door shut. Now that I am married, when I am not getting along with my spouse, I stay at my desk, in the kitchen and/or take walks by myself rather than with him. When we are not getting along--the best thing to do is not to talk to him at all. When you talk, you are just giving them an opening where they can find something to be critical about. When we are getting along--that's when we can talk......

[rechu]

A lot of what you mention reminds me of my relationship with my mom, or how it used to be. For my own well-being I had to pull way back. I live far away and keep conversations with her superficial. Mine is completely impossible to try to discuss any issues with. She can't accept that she might be the slightest bit wrong.

It sounds like you are setting the right boundaries. Stick with it! And, you are right, it's not your fault. Hugs!

[Bill3]

It’s not your fault.

Maintain your boundaries no matter how angry she gets.

Don’t confront her and expect her to come to see your perspective, that is beyond her.

She does not “force” you to go on hikes. She bullies you.

When she proposes a long hike, say no thanks and learn to tolerate the anger.

You could propose a shorter one if you want to.

Read up on co-dependency. Her method is to bully you, try to make you feel bad, so that you will do what she wants so as to stop the bad feelings. An option is to say no and tolerate the bad feelings.

[littleowl2006]

Thanks guys. I am exhausted and tired and panicky and to be honest pretty mad that I have to put up with all this. It may be childish, but I find it really unfair to be dealt this set of crappy family cards. No amount of work was ever quite as exhausting and painful as dealing with this huge pile of crap is. I simply do not have the energy

[hvert]

Sorry, no advice but a very similar situation with my mother. Constant contact, guilt trips, and me feeling guilty because she wasn't as horrible a parent as my father. I eventually gave up and am very low contact with her, despite living in the same town. Feeling like a bad daughter is less bad than actually dealing with her, at least for me. Your boundaries are reasonable and it's okay to have them.

[littleowl2006]

Originally Posted by hvert

Sorry, no advice but a very similar situation with my mother. Constant contact, guilt trips, and me feeling guilty because she wasn't as horrible a parent as my father. I eventually gave up and am very low contact with her, despite living in the same town. Feeling like a bad daughter is less bad than actually dealing with her, at least for me. Your boundaries are reasonable and it's okay to have them.

Well at least neither of us is alone in this! We can be the club of bad daughters and maybe print t-shirts

[eskielover]

My mom when she was alive would get angry at something I said on the phone & woukd hang up on me. It was always a YEA, wont be hearing from her for a few days till she calls back as if nothing happened. Some moms are just very difficult to deal with. I never minded if she blew up, I would just blow her off. Irritated her yes, but she learned that was my consistent response to her behavior whether she liked it ir not & there would be NO apologies either.

Stand strong with your boundaries. She needs to get to know who you are, not what she wants you to be.