[starryprince]

Hi there. I hope everyone had a good start to the week.

I'm currently really angry right now and when I'm angry my anxiety skyrockets.

I have a therapist (today was my last session with her because she's leaving to focus on her private practice). My apartment always gets mice during the winter because we live in a huge city.

I talked to my therapist about that because having mice really bothers for personal reasons. I told my mom about the suggestion she gave me for how to handle the mice. My mom says, "...You spoke to her about the mice?" I said yea because it really bothers me. She looked really uneasy and shocked and I said, "What, you're afraid that she'll think you're a dirty person?" She actually said yes, she was afraid of being judged. Mind you, I told the therapist that we're very clean and she said she completely understood because sometimes she gets mice, too.

Now, that's my therapist, not my mom's. I told my mom that I can't talk to her about some things and that's why I have a therapist. She said she didn't mean anything malicious by what she said and I said, "I never said your intentions were malicious." She got angry and walked away.

Now...I'm pretty pissed off. I was having a great day and she absolutely ruined it.

My issue is that my mom (and my entire family) is all about appearances. My grandma was quite abusive to me as a child and I told my mom some things she did to me (the molestation and stuff). She refused to tell my grandma to go back to her home country because she's afraid other people will think she's a bad daughter. So instead my grandma is still living with us.

I just got a job and I can't wait to start saving up so I can move out but I really can't deal with her self-consciousness. I know I sound mean but no matter how much I tell her that she's a good person, she just doesn't listen to me...What really got to me was the therapist thing. This isn't the first time she's been self-conscious about something I told my therapist that had absolutely nothing to do with her.

I know I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help it.

How do you deal with a parent who is so self-conscious that they put your needs below their self-consciousness? I don't know if that makes sense but that's the best way I can phrase it. Thank you.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hmmmm as a parent, who had a rat (yet alone mouse) bought into my house on more than one occasion by my cat ... it's not a pretty sight.

Out of context, I would be mortified if someone heard that my house had a rat - without knowing the story in context.

I would genuinely have had the same reaction as your mother initially did if one of my kids told me they had told xyzzy we had a rat in our place.

Obviously your therapist gets it, but I guess your mother just needed some assurance that she got it.

Unfortunately they do carry all sorts of who knows what and have quite a stigma. Don't take her reaction to heart. I think you're reading too much into it

[hvert]

Do you think your mother is getting anxious when you bring up conversations you've had with your therapist because she starts to worry that you're talking about her? I might stop mentioning my therapist to my mother, not sure that's a good approach, but avoidance seems to be my go-to - I barely speak to either of my parents, so probably best not to take my lead

It shouldn't be your job to convince your mother she's a good person. What would happen if you stopped doing that kind of caretaking for her?

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Hmmmm as a parent, who had a rat (yet alone mouse) bought into my house on more than one occasion by my cat ... it's not a pretty sight.

Out of context, I would be mortified if someone heard that my house had a rat - without knowing the story in context.

I would genuinely have had the same reaction as your mother initially did if one of my kids told me they had told xyzzy we had a rat in our place.

Obviously your therapist gets it, but I guess your mother just needed some assurance that she got it.

Unfortunately they do carry all sorts of who knows what and have quite a stigma. Don't take her reaction to heart. I think you're reading too much into it

I live in one of the biggest (if not the biggest) and dirtiest places in the US so almost everyone has mice issues, including my therapist, which is why I was happy to talk to her. Because I figured she would have some advice for me. So Thanks...? I still think my feelings are valid, though. I can go on and on about my entire family and give you reasons why I'm taking it to heart but that would literally take all day. I honestly feel bad for posting because I feel like I'm being judged. I made a mistake posting this. I wish I could delete it because now I just feel embarrassed. If you're saying that I was wrong then maybe I was wrong.

Originally Posted by hvert

Do you think your mother is getting anxious when you bring up conversations you've had with your therapist because she starts to worry that you're talking about her? I might stop mentioning my therapist to my mother, not sure that's a good approach, but avoidance seems to be my go-to - I barely speak to either of my parents, so probably best not to take my lead

It shouldn't be your job to convince your mother she's a good person. What would happen if you stopped doing that kind of caretaking for her?

I am not sure that is it. She is just genuinely worried about what other people think to the point where it's becoming dysfunctional. She always asks me how my sessions go but you're right...I'll stop telling her the specifics. I don't even know when I'll be able to see a therapist since I got a job and my current therapist left. I am just very tired and I feel like everything I do and say is wrong, especially as of late since there has been family drama. I always feel like I am making a big deal out of everything and being too sensitive, and it doesn't help that my abuser always said I was too sensitive or that I took things too personally. So the point of saying all of that is that I understand completely why you rarely keep in contact with your family. I love my mom to death, but sometimes I literally don't know what to say when she asks me questions.

I'm going to take your advice if I continue seeing a therapist because the mice issue was just the straw that broke the camel's back. The issue is that she doesn't like it when I talk about anything relating to my family to my therapist...which is weird because almost all of my issues are from my family, like the abuse and stuff.

I am also thinking of not seeing a therapist anymore. Or maybe just seeing them once a month? I am just very tired. And you're right. I am under no obligation to convince my mom she's a good person. I just wish she believed it.

[hvert]

One thing that seems super common in dysfunctional families is for someone in the family to want to keep up a happy facade for outsiders. Family stuff is so hard. It's hard to tell what normal looks like and you wind up doubting yourself. Keeping my fingers crossed you can save up and move out soon... leaving home made a huge difference in my life.

Re: mice: I get them in the winter too. So do friends and coworkers. People talk about it. It's not about being dirty, it's about not being able to block all their points of entry and their rapid reproduction. I think there's probably a lot of symbolism in your mother's reaction to the mice conversation you had with your therapist, guessing that's how she's reacted at other times. Best to keep quiet and not let people know. What people think is more important than discussing solutions to a problem. Just because she wants to react that way doesn't mean it's right or normal or that *you* have to do the same thing.