[rdgrad15]

Anyone have the experience of being invited by a friend to their house, and once you arrive, you come to realize by the family's actions and tone of voice that they are not too pleased that you are there? I've had this experience. I hate being at other people's house in the first place. It makes me anxious since I don't want to accidentally do something that would make me look bad or make them mad and I also don't want to come off as me inviting myself there as well.

The only thing that has made this worse recently was being invited to a friend's house, only to realize she obviously didn't ask to make sure it was okay with her parents since they were about to have dinner, and they made it obvious I was not really supposed to be there. I don't drive and my friend lives about forty five minutes away so leaving immediately was out of the question. I use public transportation but there is no bus stop near by. The closest bus stop there is to her house is about twenty minutes away so she would have to drive me back.

In this case, when her parents saw me, they were like oh hey, I guess you're having dinner with us. Then one of the parents told one of my friend's siblings to get an extra plate on the table. Their tone of voice made it obvious they were not expecting me there and were not planning on me being there. I felt horrible. If I could drive or if public transportation was extremely close by to her house, I would have apologized and left immediately. My friend never told me they were having dinner. I would have declined if I had known. And there has been a couple other times where I've been invited, only to realize they had company there once arriving.

It is one of those things where I appreciate the invites, but at the same time, wish she would have said something and also asked her parents to make sure they are okay with me being there especially if they have company or if they are about to have dinner. How would you handle this kind of situation? Would you leave immediately if you could? I feel like when this happens, it makes me look bad and may give everyone the impression that I am inviting myself, even though that is not the case and would never do that. I understand we are all adults but still, she should ask her parents since it is their house. What would you do if you found yourself in this awkward situation? Just wondered. I just feel bad when that kind of thing happens.

It may sound self-centered, but you get invited, and if your friend lives at their parent's house then the parents should be the ones taking responsibility to handling guests. Yes, they sound dismayed, but the dismay is their own. You have no responsibility for how they're hosting, as you are the guest.

[eskielover]

It may be that the parents are having marriage problems & really dont want others outside the immediate family to know what is going in & they have a hard timebdealing with each other & they are uncomfortable trying to put on a front while compant is there. Only reason I say that is because thatvwas what my marriage was like & it wasnt easy when our daughter invited friends over. We were civil but it took work & have no idea if hervfriends sensed it ir not

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

It may be that the parents are having marriage problems & really dont want others outside the immediate family to know what is going in & they have a hard timebdealing with each other & they are uncomfortable trying to put on a front while compant is there. Only reason I say that is because thatvwas what my marriage was like & it wasnt easy when our daughter invited friends over. We were civil but it took work & have no idea if hervfriends sensed it ir not

Ohh okay yeah makes sense. Yeah that is possible.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

It may sound self-centered, but you get invited, and if your friend lives at their parent's house then the parents should be the ones taking responsibility to handling guests. Yes, they sound dismayed, but the dismay is their own. You have no responsibility for how they're hosting, as you are the guest.

Oh I know. I agree, I just hate feeling like I am a burden to others and wish my friend would make sure it is okay.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Oh I know. I agree, I just hate feeling like I am a burden to others and wish my friend would make sure it is okay.

maybe your friend invites you over without asking her parents because it gives her a rest from their normal behavior that is really bothering her? Like if they fight constantly but the fighting stops when you are there, trying to put in a good front for when ithers are in the house. It may be the way she can get the peace that she so desperately is wanting. (Just a thought)

As a friend you have the choice of asking if everything is ok, and insist that you notice her parents are unwell.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

maybe your friend invites you over without asking her parents because it gives her a rest from their normal behavior that is really bothering her? Like if they fight constantly but the fighting stops when you are there, trying to put in a good front for when ithers are in the house. It may be the way she can get the peace that she so desperately is wanting. (Just a thought)

Yeah that makes sense. Basically a distraction from any family problems there may be.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

As a friend you have the choice of asking if everything is ok, and insist that you notice her parents are unwell.

Yeah I may do that.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yeah I may do that.

She msy be embarasded to confide in you if thete is something going on with her parents. Most people dont like "airing their dirty laundry" so anyone outside the house really knows what is going on. & might be embarrased or even not sure if the parents dont talk about their priblems with her.

My daughter told me we kept our problems well hidden from her but there was ALWAYS that air of tension.

Well, one way to find out

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

She msy be embarasded to confide in you if thete is something going on with her parents. Most people dont like "airing their dirty laundry" so anyone outside the house really knows what is going on. & might be embarrased or even not sure if the parents dont talk about their priblems with her.

My daughter told me we kept our problems well hidden from her but there was ALWAYS that air of tension.

Yeah true. I do remember a few years ago she mentioned there were problems at home. At first I didn’t think much of it and didn’t think it was anything big but now that I look back on it, this could very well be what she was talking about. Possible the problems she said were taking place then were never resolved and that could be what I am sensing. Yeah they could be trying their best to hide it which I can understand.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Well, one way to find out

Yep. Don’t want to pry but I figured I would maybe ask if everything is okay if she brings it up first that there are problems at home again.

[eskielover]

You could just say you are sensing an uncomfortable feeling feeking & wondered if everything is ok. That way you are opening the door for her to talk if she feels like it without prying.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

You could just say you are sensing an uncomfortable feeling feeking & wondered if everything is ok. That way you are opening the door for her to talk if she feels like it without prying.

Perfect. That’s what I’ll do.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Anyone have the experience of being invited by a friend to their house, and once you arrive, you come to realize by the family's actions and tone of voice that they are not too pleased that you are there? I've had this experience. I hate being at other people's house in the first place. It makes me anxious since I don't want to accidentally do something that would make me look bad or make them mad and I also don't want to come off as me inviting myself there as well.

The only thing that has made this worse recently was being invited to a friend's house, only to realize she obviously didn't ask to make sure it was okay with her parents since they were about to have dinner, and they made it obvious I was not really supposed to be there. I don't drive and my friend lives about forty five minutes away so leaving immediately was out of the question. I use public transportation but there is no bus stop near by. The closest bus stop there is to her house is about twenty minutes away so she would have to drive me back.

In this case, when her parents saw me, they were like oh hey, I guess you're having dinner with us. Then one of the parents told one of my friend's siblings to get an extra plate on the table. Their tone of voice made it obvious they were not expecting me there and were not planning on me being there. I felt horrible. If I could drive or if public transportation was extremely close by to her house, I would have apologized and left immediately. My friend never told me they were having dinner. I would have declined if I had known. And there has been a couple other times where I've been invited, only to realize they had company there once arriving.

It is one of those things where I appreciate the invites, but at the same time, wish she would have said something and also asked her parents to make sure they are okay with me being there especially if they have company or if they are about to have dinner. How would you handle this kind of situation? Would you leave immediately if you could? I feel like when this happens, it makes me look bad and may give everyone the impression that I am inviting myself, even though that is not the case and would never do that. I understand we are all adults but still, she should ask her parents since it is their house. What would you do if you found yourself in this awkward situation? Just wondered. I just feel bad when that kind of thing happens.

I completely understand how you feel. This happen all the time. I had my sister friend ex husband had told me that I wasn't welcome here. Or my sister said her friend want me over for dinner. he had told me I don't want you eating. I am the same boat if I could drive I would have just excuse my self and had left, now I have my sister friend daughter who tell me that we always causing problem whenever we come over yet we don't do anything. they can't name five things when I can name ten things they do.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yep. Don’t want to pry but I figured I would maybe ask if everything is okay if she brings it up first that there are problems at home again.

You could explain that you felt uncomfortable coming over because you felt like you were evading someone privacy. ask if you can speak to the parent and apologized and explained that you didn't know because she didn't say and you would like your friend to be aware that you need here something from the parent stating that you are welcome over.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yeah true. I do remember a few years ago she mentioned there were problems at home. At first I didn’t think much of it and didn’t think it was anything big but now that I look back on it, this could very well be what she was talking about. Possible the problems she said were taking place then were never resolved and that could be what I am sensing. Yeah they could be trying their best to hide it which I can understand.

that true! I had some experience in that as well.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I completely understand how you feel. This happen all the time. I had my sister friend ex husband had told me that I wasn't welcome here. Or my sister said her friend want me over for dinner. he had told me I don't want you eating. I am the same boat if I could drive I would have just excuse my self and had left, now I have my sister friend daughter who tell me that we always causing problem whenever we come over yet we don't do anything. they can't name five things when I can name ten things they do.

Yeah some people can make situations confusing.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

that true! I had some experience in that as well.

As in you were invited and felt like you were not welcome? Or the other way around? Just wondered.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

You could explain that you felt uncomfortable coming over because you felt like you were evading someone privacy. ask if you can speak to the parent and apologized and explained that you didn't know because she didn't say and you would like your friend to be aware that you need here something from the parent stating that you are welcome over.

Yeah I could do that too.

[eskielover]

That last one gets tricky involving the parents. If your friend says parents are having issues & theyvarevtrying to hide it & your friend confides there are problems the parents might not appreciate their kid has said anything & it might end up getting your friend in trouble. In looking at the big picture, yoyr friend will tell you as much as yku need to know & will also be sensitive to yiur sensitivity that something is whong & be more cautions about when inviting you over. Parents dont like dirty laundry (msrrisge problems) being passed around to others usually especially if trying to hide it in their own house when outsiders ate around.....just some inside tips from a parent who has been there.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

That last one gets tricky involving the parents. If your friend says parents are having issues & theyvarevtrying to hide it & your friend confides there are problems the parents might not appreciate their kid has said anything & it might end up getting your friend in trouble. In looking at the big picture, yoyr friend will tell you as much as yku need to know & will also be sensitive to yiur sensitivity that something is whong & be more cautions about when inviting you over. Parents dont like dirty laundry (msrrisge problems) being passed around to others usually especially if trying to hide it in their own house when outsiders ate around.....just some inside tips from a parent who has been there.

Yeah I agree, it can be risky. I see what you mean. Not a definite it is marriage problems, but I can't think of any other problem that could cause unwelcoming behavior. Other than possibly a serious illness, which in that case, would still not be something they would want passed around. Either way, I can see what you mean.

Well your friend had an obligation to clear this with her parents beforehand.

The age of you and friend might have something to do with this. When my children were teenagers and young adults this happened frequently where someone else unexpectedly stayed for dinner. Beyond their early 20s though this was a definite no-no which I did not appreciate.

I want to add another thought to this. If you feel as though you are putting these people out then I think you ought to be making use of yourself. Offer to help. Set or bus the table. Help with dishes and the clean-up. Is there any way to help with meal preparation? Call me strict but I have an expectation that people offer to do so when visiting me. I don't always take them up on it but it is my expectation they recognise the work involved and make an offer to help.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Well your friend had an obligation to clear this with her parents beforehand.

The age of you and friend might have something to do with this. When my children were teenagers and young adults this happened frequently where someone else unexpectedly stayed for dinner. Beyond their early 20s though this was a definite no-no which I did not appreciate.

I want to add another thought to this. If you feel as though you are putting these people out then I think you ought to be making use of yourself. Offer to help. Set or bus the table. Help with dishes and the clean-up. Is there any way to help with meal preparation? Call me strict but I have an expectation that people offer to do so when visiting me. I don't always take them up on it but it is my expectation they recognise the work involved and make an offer to help.

Yeah that makes sense. We are both in our mid 20’s. And I agree to offering to help out. I once helped cut up vegetables and just recently when I was over at her house, she was abruptly called and asked to go to work. She felt obligated to go in for a few hours even though she probably could have said no. But since it was work, I understood. So while I had to wait until she returned, I offered to help put up and decorate an artificial Christmas tree with her mother. I helped her until it was complete. And she appreciated it. So yeah, at least I do offer to help in some way.