[kaxitime]

Hello! I am currently a teenager looking for advice! I don’t know whether this is the right forum so I apologize if it isn’t. Currently, my dad lives away from my family and I’m a single child. He has a hard time communicating with us and different people. He has very different values than others and I believe he has a problem (perhaps psychological disorder?) However, he has refused to get help. He is interested in psychology and used to be a doctor, but now he refuses to go to a psychologist or a doctor. Since he is away, he often calls to talk to our family. My mom tries to avoid talking to him so I end of usually speaking with him for a few hours. I am uncomfortable when he keeps trying to make a point and teach his principles to me. I understand and appreciate his advice, but I am not too interested with his abstract concepts or examples. I try to tell him, but he says it’s interesting to him (like differences between similar words/concepts) and “I’ll eventually get it later.” He sometimes suggests things I don’t appreciate, for example, paying for someone to drive me just becaue he wants me to take swimming lessons. He currently lives by himself and sometimes visits his family members, so I understand why he wants to teach and be like a fatherly figure, but I don’t know how to steer conversations away when he tries teaching stuff I don’t like to me. Is there any way I can try to talk about other things or should I listen and find a way to understand what he is trying to say? It is difficult since English is his second language and he speaks another language that I know, but he insists on using English, so I often get confused when he explains things to me. To be honest, I get frustrated when talking for too long about a topic, any advice is greatly appreciated! Thank you

[healingme4me]

One quick thought came to mind regarding his trying to teach you from a distance and him rambling on when you've lost interest, maybe simply state that you miss him, too. I might catch him off guard a fraction and it truly seems that he misses you so much that he wants to be active in your life and talking for hours is the remaining reality.

[kaxitime]

Thank you, I will tell him in the future. He actually hasn’t been too active in my life, but i understand that he probably misses us and might want to spend more time now that he is away. Your thought is what I haven’t considered, so thank you for your advice!

[kaxitime]

Thank you for your advice. Actually, my dad hasn’t been really too active in my life. However, after you said that, I understand now that he probably misses me and wants to teach me things since he is away now. Perhaps he wanted to do what he hadn’t done much in the past. I will tell him I miss him in the future, your idea made me consider why he may be teaching his life lessons and thinking, thank you!

[Bill3]

My mom tries to avoid talking to him so I end of usually speaking with him for a few hours.

Each call lasts a few hours? That's a long time! How well can you actually afford this kind of time in view of your schoolwork and other responsibilities?

To be honest, I get frustrated when talking for too long about a topic

No wonder!

I am uncomfortable when he keeps trying to make a point and teach his principles to me. I understand and appreciate his advice, but I am not too interested with his abstract concepts or examples. I try to tell him, but he says it’s interesting to him (like differences between similar words/concepts) and “I’ll eventually get it later.”

He sometimes suggests things I don’t appreciate, for example, paying for someone to drive me just because he wants me to take swimming lessons. He currently lives by himself and sometimes visits his family members, so I understand why he wants to teach and be like a fatherly figure, but I don’t know how to steer conversations away when he tries teaching stuff I don’t like to me.

What if you say "Thanks for your suggestions, I will think about them, I am really grateful for the interest you take in me."?

Is there any way I can try to talk about other things

How does he respond if you start to speak about what is going on with you?

or should I listen and find a way to understand what he is trying to say? It is difficult since English is his second language and he speaks another language that I know, but he insists on using English, so I often get confused when he explains things to me.

What if you say "Dad, I understand these ideas better in ______, could you please explain them to me in ________?"

If he insists on using English, what if you say, politely, as often as necessary "I'm sorry, I still don't understand it in English."

Overall, it sounds like it could be beneficial to try to be more assertive with him. Just because he has a lot of time to speak on the phone, and just because your mother wants to avoid him, doesn't mean that you need to be tied to the phone!

What does your mother say about the amount of time you spend with him on the phone? To what extent is she willing to help you reduce it?

How assertive are you generally?

Ask yourself: "What would I say if one of my friends was speaking like this to me?" Once you have that in mind, think about how you could say that, or something similar, to your father.

You can do it!

[kaxitime]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I haven’t been too assertive with him with confiding stuff about my life, since I haven’t really felt that much of a relationship and just overall don’t feel like there is anything new or important there is to talk about. While I wouldn’t say each call is a few hours, I usually spend 3 hours on the phone with him per week, since he calls two times. Thanks for telling me how to ask for clarification on a topic. I don’t have trouble being assertive when trying to talk, but I am just uncomfortable to hang up the phone and find an excuse (since he knows and has asked whether I am busy at this time). I have more trouble avoiding topics he almost always brings up, but I do understand that I must be more appreciative of his advice and find ways to be assertive. I have not yet remember saying I was grateful, but when I have said “oh, thank you for your advice,” he usually just says “oh, it’s no problem.” My mother can’t stand talking to him so I have not tried asking her to talk anymore and she usually hands the phone to me. This is usually because they don’t know what to say between each other and he just asks common/same questions. I can afford the time talking to him, but I often get bored and want to do something else. I really appreciate your advice on telling me to be more assertive though because that seems to be the problem when I try persuading or managing a conversation with him. I will start being more clearer and set times for our calls so it is easier to manage. I will also be less afraid to ask questions

[kaxitime]

Oh, I also forget to mention that I may try asking him to say certain stuff politely in Vietnamese, but he just has trouble explaining in just Vietnamese and uses English terms for his concepts. I have tried multiple times, but he does not like to because he just has trouble explaining things since there is a lack of words to use in Vietnamese. Thanks

[Bill3]

but I am just uncomfortable to hang up the phone and find an excuse (since he knows and has asked whether I am busy at this time

This could be awkward because if you say that you are not busy he can feel free to talk indefinitely, but if you say that you are busy he could get offended or just keep calling until you are "not busy". You could try saying that you have an hour to speak now or whatever amount of time you are willing to spend. Near the end of that time, you say that you have to get going now. Easier said than done. But practice this, insist on ending the call at the time you set beforehand. If he asks what you need to do now, you just have to work up the courage to be firm and keep saying that you have to leave, you have work to do, you have plans, etc., without specifying those plans to him. If you resort to specifying your plans you are essentially giving him veto power over your phone time if he thinks that your plans are not good enough etc. It can be quite challenging to get off of the phone with a parent who does not want to get off. Remember he is your father not your boss! You can do it!

I have more trouble avoiding topics he almost always brings up

Dad we spoke about this last week and nothing is new since that time.

If you disagree with him about something, Dad, I am grateful for your perspective but even so I am sticking with what I said last week

You do not have to go over the same territory call after call. This is a good area to work on being more assertive.

I do understand that I must be more appreciative of his advice

I suspect that you already express a lot of gratitude. What i mean is that if you are not going to follow somene's advice, it takes a bit of the sting out for them when you thank them anyways (and obviously is polite as well).

I can afford the time talking to him, but I often get bored and want to do something else.

See above.

I will start being more clearer and set times for our calls so it is easier to manage.

This is good!

I will also be less afraid to ask questions

What happens when you ask questions?

Oh, I also forget to mention that I may try asking him to say certain stuff politely in Vietnamese, but he just has trouble explaining in just Vietnamese and uses English terms for his concepts. I have tried multiple times, but he does not like to because he just has trouble explaining things since there is a lack of words to use in Vietnamese.

What brings you to ask for him to speak in Vietnamese when there is a lack of words in Vietnamese to express what he is trying to get across?

[kaxitime]

Originally Posted by Bill3

But practice this, insist on ending the call at the time you set beforehand. If he asks what you need to do now, you just have to work up the courage to be firm and keep saying that you have to leave, you have work to do, you have plans, etc., without specifying those plans to him. If you resort to specifying your plans you are essentially giving him veto power over your phone time if he thinks that your plans are not good enough etc.

Hi, thank you for your suggestions, I have tried setting a time during a call and that has worked for me

You do not have to go over the same territory call after call. This is a good area to work on being more assertive.

Okay, I will begin voicing my opinion if he becomes to repetitive.

it takes a bit of the sting out for them when you thank them anyways (and obviously is polite as well).

Yeah, it is

What happens when you ask questions?

When I ask questions about things, he sometimes babbles on for too long and the conversation gets complicated.

What brings you to ask for him to speak in Vietnamese when there is a lack of words in Vietnamese to express what he is trying to get across?

I just feel like he is trying too hard to explain things in English sometimes as he really likes talking about his topics and I think that sometimes Vietnamese will just be easier for him, even if I might not understand, but he says it is easier for him, so I’ll just ask when needed.

Thanks for everything!