Am I Making Too Much Of This?

There is a man I have known for many years with whom I've a budding relationship. Because of certain issues which happened last summer (long, long story), we are not a "couple" at the moment, but are at the point where we are trying to build up trust in one another.

I will admit that I am extremely suspicious of him, and I look at Instagram accounts of women I think he's interested in. I know that I'm going to get flack for this. However, I found that he has "liked" the photo of one of the women just two days ago, and she is naked in that photo. I confronted him on this, stating that I feel he is being deceptive, etc, etc and he feels I am being unreasonable about it. He's liked many of her photos, all of them are photos of her body.

Now, in his defense, he is a photographer by hobby, and she likely is as well. That is probably how he knows her, and has never met her offline. She lives many states away. However, as she has one of those "perfect" bodies, and I've confessed an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, and a general issue with my body overall, I feel this makes it even more unacceptable.

I wouldn't have known if I hadn't snooped, but then again, it feels so underhanded, almost like "What she doesn't know won't hurt her." We're not truly IN a relationship--so what happens, down the road, if he gets sick of me? Is this behavior showing me he'll seek out comfort elsewhere?

What do you all think?

I think there need to be some sort of parameters discussed. You two did have a relationship which ended, and it may not be very clear to him what he is / isn't meant to do. I'm assuming you two are not "exclusive" ? Are you?

I think it's difficult because there's the main underlying issue of insecurity, and I'm not sure how that would be resolved if you two are currently not in an exclusive partnership with one another?

We’re not exclusive, no. We weren’t before, either.

He messaged me about it just this morning as I had told him that the thing which upset me the most was my own issues with insecurity over my body. He said that was ironic, as the woman in question has cancer, and as a form of self-therapy she has been taking these photos. He has been liking every single one of them, he says. That really is the kind of guy he is. And I believe this story as I saw it posted. (He wrapped up by saying “Not that there weren’t other examples of randomly liked photos of pretty women you could have been upset about...” Which kind of annoyed me, tbh)

I feel like a total jerk, but it now brings up a whole list of other issues. Most of them mine.

Hmmm... I know exactly how you feel. The guy I am newly dating wanted to buy a painting last night of a sexy naked woman, and I frowned upon it because of my own insecurities. He didn't buy it because I was down on the idea. He asked if I felt threatened by it and I basically admitted that yes, I did.

So I get where you're coming from.

Thing is, the two of you are trying to establish trust right now, BUT at the same time, you're not exclusive. So because you're not exclusive, he does have the right to like women's sexy naked pictures, to flirt and even go out with other women. I don't know how you work on building trust when you're not a couple and are not in a committed relationship yet. At this point, he has the freedom to do as he pleases. Maybe you two should try being a couple and work on building trust with a commitment? I don't know. :/ Sorry if I am no help.

If you two aren’t exclusive and not in a relationship he is free to do whatever. But if it upsets you, maybe you’d like to be exclusive and be a couple? Can you have that talk?

I agree he is free to do and buy whatever he wants, Do you really want to get back into a relationship with him since it didnt work in the past?

Are you in therapy to work on your issues with self esteem and body imagine? If not I would certainly suggest it.

Hope you and him are able to decide what is best for a relationship

I am in therapy. Have been for 25 years, off and on. Doesn't seem to do much, really. Unfortunately. I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm just a failed, broken person and there is not much help for me.

Doesn't matter anymore, guys. I burned a major bridge with him anyway. I was going to sabotage it eventually, anyway, because that's what I do. And, surprise, I did.

I've been feeling pretty unstable the last few months but I don't have the option to fall apart. No support, no one but me to earn the money, and I cannot be inpatient for a fifth time. What will it accomplish? I've tried all the drugs, been through all of the therapy, and I know all of the classes they teach inpatient. It's just getting worse as I get older.

I'm beginning to realize I have to face up to the fact that this is who I am. And I am who I get to live with, alone, for the rest of my life.

The wheels fell off this last year and why would you even want to spend energy putting them back on?

Branch out into new territory.

The wheels fell off because of me—I always make them fall off. And before you say “stop blaming yourself,” no...I know myself and I know what I do. This is why I try again with someone who actually treats me pretty well.

When you’re 40 and haven’t had a relationship in 9 years, not much new territory to be had in the world, is there. So I try with what I have, and put effort into someone who is pretty kind to me because that person is there. No one else is. But thanks.

I wonder if him liking pictures of naked women or otherwise keeping in touch with various women is not just because you two aren’t a couple and he is free to do so, but also because just who he is? Just the type of guy who would like pics of naked women?

It’s neither good nor bad, it’s just how he is? Question is can you live with it if you two become a couple? Right now it’s probably irrelevant as you aren’t a couple but in the future?

It’s provably a tough question to answer. I probably wouldn’t be ok but plenty of women would be. Depends on what you can handle. It might not even be about trust but about who we are. At some point it’s just pointless to change ourselves. Too old.

Personally I’d rather a guy not looked or liked naked pics of women. It’s just how I am. I’d be upset. Well I’d likely be mad. It might not about trust but more about what you are ok with IF you two are a couple. If it’s something you wouldn’t be ok with then the person might not be right fit. Although he might not do it if you are a couple. Wonder what he thinks of it.

I'm very sorry to hear this. HUGS. Perhaps work on the things you do that sabotage relationships. That is IF you don't want to be alone. Some people are perfectly content and happy being alone.