[dwr3]

Hello everyone. I really, really hope you will give me some insight and perhaps an advice on this. It's all a bit complicated.

I'm in my early twenties. I'm an intersexual female with my intersexuality being mostly about having secondary male characteristics and more rough and male-styled brain. I also have other chronic illnesses, mostly metabolic. It's been a lifetime of struggle, because my late treatment caused me to have some neurodevelopmental issues (ADHD/NVLD/Asperger like). My late childhood and early teens was mostly about medical clinics, examinations and hormonal treatments. I was through very early puberty and was actually all alone with this, an add to that issues with social exclusion, bullying and even physical violence. I differ from other women in terms of my body and mind. My body was actually changing a lot, from being obese and unattractive, to being a tomboy with shaved head, but now I'm in a really good shape and it turns out I'm extremely physically attractive to others, something I'm not used to. I went through many failures, especially academic, but I managed to get to a corporate office type of a workplace and was quickly promoted to a low managerial position. I work with a lot of people and the hierarchy is only theoretical there, we all come from the same area, relationships are very open as well as the atmosphere. I'm extremely shy and anxious but everyone kind of knows of it and I don't have it while working with my people, as - with all of this - I'm very driven, very bold and enthusiastic. I have an incredible memory for information, know few languages, also an eye for detail (but the bigger picture is the problem), extreme verbal intelligence etc. I'm better with people than others with much bigger working experience. It's also difficult because I've been put under this pressure so quickly and it's partly because I get so much obsessive knowledge on everything that comes my way and always make the impression that I'm some kind of a professional, but often I struggle with loads of uncertainty as I have issues with guessing motives of others and run on missed assumptions. I'm very young but I'm treated like I'm some experienced 40 year old. I deal well in crisis, I'm an awful adrenaline junkie. My brain just differs very much, perhaps due to early androgen exposure and medication. Being rather hyperlexic doesn't always mean I actually understand the idea I'm talking about.

My huge issue is actually with lack of intimacy, craving attention, closeness but having none of it. I was always dealing with everything on my own, I had little emotional support. I'm not very good with emotional side of life, to be honest. And there are specific problems that arise when I'm dealing with - mostly - men and I'm currently working with many of them. My life is extremely immature in this context. I'll give you some background:

As I developed early and have this disorder, I became prematurely interested in sex and generally have high cravings for physical intimacy. My sensitivity to testosterone is very high, just as my androgen levels, that's how my body has developed. I'm driven, sometimes dominating, but also protective of others. I'm also impulsive and it's harder for me to let go of emotions and calm myself down.

I have never been in a relationship. I also never had a "classical" sex with a man.

My intimacy story is pretty pathetic. I had short relationship with a woman when I was in my teens but I'm not a lesbian, I was kinda testing it. Had sex with her once, it was completely flat and unpleasant and there was another person and I extremely regret putting myself in this situation but I was in a messed up state on low dose chemo and steroids and other medical drugs (don't take any now). Had some milder forms of sex when I was in a LGBT community but it was very crazy and traumatic and none of it was out of affection. I have never been making love, never been truly intimate with anyone. I had many crushes on people and there were two guys that were extremely insecure and I was literally clingling to them to get some kissing or cuddling but they were never into me, they just had nothing against it. One of them was actually gay but his life was messed up and he would also cling to anyone for maybe similiar reasons that I did. Other would just go crazy when drunk for also similiar reasons, so we often just ended up doing some insane stuff that popped to our minds (from kissing to bathing together during a party and I actually feel like I was the predator to him and over crossed boundaries, but didn't know anything about that back then). Yes, these are all very embarassing experiences and you can judge me. But, at that time, I had this circle of "popular kids" friends and we were all having these kinds of ideas, we were exploring ourselves a lot...until they found their boyfriends and girlfriends and future husbands and sorted their lives out and I didn't. I've never had any intimate, sexual experiences after turning like 20 or something again. I was very ashamed of it all and add to that: I have this technical, obsessive approach towards anything. When I had my first kiss, I've spent hours and hours on just thinking on How To Do It Well Technically (which involved kissing many people, we even had lists back then) just like I was, I dunno, studying for a Math test. The same was when I started smoking: I didn't just start smoking. After a while, I knew everything about the brands and history of cigarettes and how to technically do it well. I'm THIS kind of a person. And with people and intimacy, it's not much different. I'm good with them because I was technically studying their body language and rules of communication. I don't know it by intuition. And I'm a great actress.

Okay, but, now I'm a working professional. And I do great in this professional area, but my issues start and end with people. You know Saga from The Bridge? I'm a bit like her, just that I'm better at being enthusiastic and communicating with others (when I have good days). As I mentioned, I'm currently extremely physically attractive and there were many guys, mostly physical workers, trying to hit on me and flirt, sometimes in a pretty sexist way, but if I'm not interested, then I'm not interested (Did I mention I'm also a great essayist in my own language and I'm into gender equality etc?). I communicate with my co workers on social media, where I write about everything, so let's say everyone knows how I am (CEO readingmy public notes on social awkwardness? Why not.). I educate myself a lot on people I work with. The issues I have are just with particular guys that I do find interesting. And I'm as naive with them as a kid.

Here's another thing: People trust me a lot and they easily confide in me. I create very intense relationships (not in a romantic way), but then they usually fade away after they're not novel and exciting anymore. I know life stories of half of the people I work with. And I keep it all in mind. It's just when someone is a stranger, when I haven't talked to this person much, then I get painfully shy and anxious. But there are also many people who just don't know me, I don't know them, or some that despise me and vice versa.

Two cases:

The first one is very emotionally confusing to me. He is 36 years old and was my former superior. Married, with three kids. He has a strong social phobia and some neurodevelopmental issues as well (It's not a guess or something, he just told me that and everyone sees it). The reason he is at this job is to actually improve on his social skills and battle his issues. This man is more scared of confrontation, random conversations and public speaking than even I am. He looks very young, he has this calming vibe when he is not freaking out, but gets snappy when feeling threatened. He says anything that comes to his mind, then thinks. He has this weird thing that I also have that he just starts making these informative, nerdy comments on all the stuff he knows on the subject even if it doesn't make sense. A bit autistic. And has a complete masculine crisis, which means he either gets submissive with his colleagues or tries to impress them by imprinting them on their masculine behaviour. His brain is basically very similiar to mine. But imagine a manager that pretends not to know a foreign language while he knows it because he is too shy to use it so he sends you to do his job. I was surprised when I started getting to know him. He was the one who made me go out to people, who helped me deal with stress before an interview etc. I was the one to convinced him to speak up more. Then I was put under another supervisor, but we still work close to each other. And yes, we do have a strange working relationship. It's a push and pull kind of thing and now we're kind of bit freaked out by each other and often just avoid ourselves but never for long. He's basically like a member of my own long lost tribe. When I had my panic attack before an interview, he would sit with me for two hours and listened to random stuff coming out of my mind because that is what relaxes me. He also overshares a lot of stuff when he talks, like stuff he shouldn't, just as I do. Talking with him is difficult because he gets so tense it's just basically me and him throwing out 500 words per second, not minding what is appropriate to say or not. He was acting extremely protective of me when I had my training. And then the structure changed and another guy took me, very authoritarian one. And he seemed kind of...Dunno. Hurt. The issue is his behaviour shows he's interested in me to the level he shouldn't but it's inconsistent and due to his status and age it's all just impossible and too much. But I hate uncertainty and I just have to know what is going on. Apart from being very protective of me, oversharing, avoiding the topic of his wife, lying about his age, looking to me for validation (like, he would say a joke and turn to me to see if I'm laughing), laughing at my lame jokes, going to an interview with me (I never forget him obsessively putting stuff on the table in order to calm himself and asking if it helps me he's here), making very safe compliments, getting me acommodations during an interview...there is so much of it. It all changed after I left his supervision. His comments on me started getting more rough, kind of mocking me, like he was trying to prove sth to his male friends. I couldn't take his advice so often so at one point he was playing cold with the other superior towards me and then came to me in secret to explain some matter. I noticed his hands shaking when he talks to me and he actually would start making impulsive comments that indicated romantic interest. And it's all push and pull, he only interacts with me when there are no other superiors like he's scared. I like him so much but it's just impossible and I don't know what to do. What's worse, few days ago I had to report an inappropriate behaviour from one of the workers and it was late night and I just sat with him and it ended up just me whining about the sexist behaviour I've encountered in my life and feministic activity and he was all about how he should behave towards me, etc... And imagine I'm telling him some story about this one "disgusting, old man" and he replies "But I might be old too" and I'm silently like "Where are you going with this, man?". It's like his subconsciously thinking of being a candidate for me. But he has a wife. And it's all getting confusing, but - sadly - it also excites me and I just can't stop kind of examining his attitude.

Okay, I'll actually write about another one later, because this kind of exhausted me. But generally, I meet these people that are mostly hardly available for me and try to obsessively work it out and even pursue some but it takes too much of my energy and time and I'm really tired of this. It's not physics, not like "I will research this relationship stuff and this person as they're some educational goal so I will finally reach it". I create myself on social media a lot to be more and more interesting and appealing but that is just not the case. The point is it's immature and I'm still alone and my intimacy is like eating some leftovers from the table. When I have nothing else to do, I daydream about having a lover who would just show me affection and teach me stuff and who could accept my body etc. I'm very touch sensitive, I would love to be hugged or comforted and it makes me cry that I always live my life alone, but also that I'm so different and unable to build something. I can't have kids and don't want them and that's another issue too. My way of living and thinking, I feel, differs too much and I am not sure if it's all possible for me. There is even the pragmatic stuff, like, I'm driving 3 hours to hospital by public transport and I already know that nobody will come to see me etc. I just don't know what narration to take and how to figure this all out.

Hi there -- if I understood you correctly, you're interested in having a real romantic relationship? And you're craving intimacy and affection? My advice: steer clear of married men and keep the boundaries professional AT ALL TIMES. Do not get involved with a married man..... this will only lead to trouble ahead. It never ends well. And you could hurt someone's family in the meantime. NEVER good.

Since you put yourself out there on social media, why not try online dating? Or start dating in general outside of your work environment? Getting involved with men from work can be VERY tricky business. I personally would steer clear of that and find single, available men outside of work.

[dwr3]

I agree with the married man thing but not with the workplace one because it is known to be a good place to meet someone. I spend most of my life there with almost 2000 other people and some form relationships etc. It's not a very professional enviroment to be honest, there is a lot of favoritism and it's all about who likes you and who you talk to and people's relationships with each other are often very close. Loads of people flirt with each other, meet after work, it may not be a good thing but taught me a thing or two about non verbal communication and this stuff. I had one guy who I didn't like bc he was too immature who admitted to be in love with me and still is in this state of unrequited love and few trying to do sth me but I wasn't interested. One of them was someone in a power position who kept flirting with me hard but also in a "i can't do this openly" way and his male friends were actually joking from him as once he did something pretty obvious and rather pathetic to himself in a public situation. So it's a really weird enviroment and the reason why I may get so much attention is I'm the youngest there and almost the only single one and I'm a pretty visible person who stands out in looks and intellect. There were two romances between someone superior and his subordinate and nobody was fired so sadly or not, this kinda behaviour is very acceptable. If it wasn't I would really keep my guard always.

Oh I see. That does seem like a different kind of place to work. I have never been in such a work environment like yours. I just know that when I dated someone from work and then it didn't work out, we had to see each other every day and that became VERY awkward. I didn't want to have to run into him all the time or work with him.

[dwr3]

It might be also due to culture- believe me or not but we had a company that made a job advertisement on the possibility of meeting a love partner at work.

I see that you are in Europe. I didn't initially notice where you were located. It could definitely be a cultural thing. I am in the USA. That kind of advertisement would never exist here, lol.