[azureknight88]

I don't know what to do and I need to get this off my chest before I explode.

I am messed up and I think I am too late to fix things.

I am a liar, I have been compulsively lying for a long time, since I was a kid. I had abusive parents and their violent and aggressive natures were difficult to grow up with, and for me it's where the lying began - to avoid confronting them, to avoid being yelled at/hit/berated/attacked.

My father died from suicide long after their divorce, and it left a mark on my whole family, everyone has become distant or angry or, like me, depressed and unable to deal with things when confronted.

It took me time and a lot of therapy to see where that came from, but now this behavior as infected my adult life and is destroying it. I survived being in a home of toxicity, but now I have brought it with me and I feel I am the one making toxicity for those I love and I cannot express the self-hatred I have.

I have been with a girl I love for several years, and she has lost a lot of respect and trust in me because of my compulses. I kissed a mutual friend of ours years ago and hid it from her until she found out nine months later, causing us to have a huge explosion that involved friends, co-workers and our jobs. I made a huge mistake there and coupled with the lie it made it exponentially worse. Since then I have been struggling to earn love and trust back, but I am so afraid still, afraid of the attacks and hate that a blurb of a lie will slip put faster than I can think and the next thing I know I'm back-pedaling and it's too late; all the work on control and confidence in honesty is gone.

Now we are unhappy, she is miserable with me, and if we didn't own a business together she'd never want to see me again. I have been told a myriad of venomous things about myself and my lies and I wish I could take them all back. I have a monstrous hate for myself and for letting this get so out of hand that its not only ruining my life, but hers too. What stings particularly is the realization that I am being called out for behaving like my mother, and I am disgusted,=.

I am lost. I feel alone, I don't know what to do our how to stop the self-loathing voices and the shaking....I am so afraid and I feel I have no one to talk to.

please.

[Angelique67]

Hello, AzureKnight, I don't know any advice to offer except to say I hope you'll forgive yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

I am not sure why lying can become compulsive. I have one friend who tends to inflate goings on for the sake of a good story. It is obvious when she exaggerates some facts but I enjoy her tales as long as the central story seems to be honest and she has no ulterior motive. On the other hand I have a family acquaintance who just can't seem to tell the truth at all constantly stretching it to relay a different meaning to their own end. They have been getting themselves into a lot of trouble lately as their lies are beginning to catch up with them. I only wish this individual would admit and own up to his misstruths. Acknowledging his faleshoods and taking responsibility for them is all it would take to regain some trust and badly needed respect. I think an increase in their confidence and self-assurance would go far in establishing this end too. Perhaps even giving himself a sense of freedom - freedom to be himself - would provide him a lull in the need to be dishonest.

[pegasus]

The fact you kissed someone else years ago and your girlfriend is still with you, I think you can let that one go now.

The thing is you are aware of the lying and you know the reasons why, have you shared this with your girlfriend? Does she understand the reasons? If she accepts that and she can also call you out on it, you can work together on this one. If your relationship appears to be going south, go back to basics, dating and dining. I think you can get through this if you are honest with the one you love. Go to couples counseling if necessary, if you both want to work on this.

[Bill3]

Are you working with a therapist now?

[azureknight88]

Originally Posted by pegasus

The fact you kissed someone else years ago and your girlfriend is still with you, I think you can let that one go now.

The thing is you are aware of the lying and you know the reasons why, have you shared this with your girlfriend? Does she understand the reasons? If she accepts that and she can also call you out on it, you can work together on this one. If your relationship appears to be going south, go back to basics, dating and dining. I think you can get through this if you are honest with the one you love. Go to couples counseling if necessary, if you both want to work on this.

Thank you.

I have shared this with her - and while at times she can sit and listen there are times she spews out "I don't care why - it's that you do it" and it feels like I'm wasting my breath. She has a lot of mental health issues and sometimes it's hard for her to be stable, but when she is we can talk more and things go less rocky. It has just gotten to the point where the "calling out" just explodes into a fight rather than a discussion as to why and how to make it right - its right to anger and volatile outbursts.

We are seeking a couples counselor now, in hopes they can provide more help.

[azureknight88]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Are you working with a therapist now?

I have a personal therapist and she is helping me with my issues, but I am in search of a couples counselor now

[azureknight88]

I appreciate all the feedback, I am in the first steps of finding a reliable couples counselor to help my girlfriend and I with our issues - but I am scared they will tell us the damage is too much and we should split.

Has anyone had success with a Couples Counselor?