depressing date

This is the second time I met up with a fellow I connected with on the internet. I thought we might become friends since we had some common interests. Today I thought we were going to have lunch but he said he had a later lunch date (hadn't mentioned that before) and then proceeded to regale me with all the people in his family who had died or ended up in the hospital in the last six months.

I felt sorry for him but also felt he was dumping on me. i mean he hardly knows me and isn't thinking at all about how it would make me feel to listen. I ended up bailing out telling him I was hungry and needed to go shopping.

It was just so depressing. I was looking forward to getting to know someone new and have had hard times myself and all he could talk about was his dead and sick relatives.

I mean, who would do that?

Hey Tecomsin. It sounds like you're disappointed and also were turned off by the subject matter he talked about. That makes sense. Its a pretty weird thing to talk about on a second date. Maybe he felt comfortable with you? But yeah, I'd be uncomfortable with that, too.

Sorry for your bad date

Perhaps he's just a bit socially awkward. I understand why you would feel turned off by this...

Just wanted to echo the sentiment that maybe he's awkward and didn't know what to talk about and then just got on an ill-advised roll (I've done the same and I'm cringing in pain just thinking about it!!!) Obviously you should do as you see fit--I'm not saying anything other than that. I just think it's funny how our "date" selves have to like each other in order for our "real" selves to ever meet, and I think a lot might get squandered because of that. Kudos to you for meeting people and going on dates--that can be really tough (I'm certainly avoiding that at the moment). Hope you meet someone great!

I say give him another shot...

I seldom ever tell someone what is swirling around in my head normally ... Maybe he opened the gates and just had some verbal diarrhea,, it happens ..

Trust your gut though... If he overwhelmed you maybe he isnt someone to continue to see.

Maybe he felt comfortable with you and maybe he has trouble stopping his mouth from running lol My husband is a wonderful person but he ran his mouth on the first date big time, he told me things that no one should share on the first date. But I gave him a chance.

It’s terrifying to think that I wouldn’t be married to him if I decided he had no chance. Also is it possible he has some type of condition that makes him run his mouth? My husband has Tourette’s with OCD so that’s part of the course

I had that happen to me. This guy talked all about his divorce and his ex wife for two hours. It was awful. I didn't give him a second chance romantically because of this (he turned out to continue to always talk about himself), so now we're just friends.

Perhaps you can give him a chance as friends? And see how he acts the next time? If it continues, then you may want to cut him loose.

Thanks for the thoughtful advise. Using the word 'date' was a short-hand as i didn't feel attraction and was looking for friendship. We have this thing in Canada called kijiji and I met him on the friendship listing. It is not for dating and i've also met women this way but I still spend too much time alone and have lost friends due to manic episodes or withdrawing when I'm depressed.

He has texted me merry christmas and I'm wondering how to reply.

Come to think of it, even the first time we met, he did go into a long complaint about how the province had taken away his driving privilwges for 7 years due to late child support payments. I thought that was also over the top (too much personal negative information) but it was the second encounter... I felt like I was having a panic attack after awhile talking to him. Like I would drown in sorrow and my heart just sank and sank.

not once did he ask if i was ok to talk about all that or thank me for listening or acknowledge there was anything unusual about our conversation so I think for him it is normal.

I felt also disappointed by life, once again, as if it is asking too much just to have someone who i can tolerate to meet for coffee for an hour... He was obviously in a great deal of pain so i could be more sympathetic but it just felt overwhelming and disappointing... not an experience i want to repeat.

ps i did text him back best wishes for xmas

He had to be vveeerrry late with child support as pretty much not paying it in order to lose his driver license. This is beyond red flag. I wouldn’t date a man like that.

Losing a license for seven years (!!!) over failure to provide child support is quite striking indeed.

well he texted me back how he was drinking alone on xmas eve. Another depressing message. oh well. I didn't respond.

Consider his "dumping" on you a blessing in disguise...he's told you what kind of person he is...I don't think he's going to be a good fit for you.

I'm sorry you had this depressing experience. I had a depressing experience with a man I met online earlier this fall too. Oh well...I suppose there are still plenty of fish in the sea.

Seesaw

Thanks for sharing seesaw. Yeah I've got to stick with my gut reactions when they are so strong. I just remember this suffocating feeling coming over me when we were talking and he seems to have had no idea of his effect on me.

I am really just looking for friendship at this point and not a physical relationship but even that seems so hard to find, but I will keep at it. All it takes is one or two new people in my life and I will feel better.

Hi Tecomsin--I had earlier encouraged you to maybe overlook how he behaved when you first got together. I just wanted to say that clearly your gut instinct turned out to be right and my take turned out to be wrong. We all struggle to trust our gut, especially in the face of others' voices who say differently. For what it's worth I thought you should hear from one such voice--mine, in this case--that clearly you were right about things.

How long have you known him online?Have you done webcam chats, phone chats? DO you think he might be afraid of rejection so he sabotaged meeting you by dumping out his problems as an excuse?

I appreciate your validation Crookedspin. When I got the subsequent text message about drinking alone on xmas, it was the certain realization that this is a pattern in how he chooses to interact and it's a pattern in terms of having bucket loads of problems too. I mean I've got problems too, big time, but strive for balance and hope for a better future.

Meanwhile I went on a different blind date today and it was much nicer.

Hey Butterfly, we just texted before we met. I think he interacts by looking for sympathy and he also seems to not have ordinary respect for boundaries. It could be a kind of sabotage but that would be psychoanalyzing someone I barely know.

I feel like you deserve someone who is more uplifting. He does sound self-absorbed a bit.

Losing a license for lack of child support , yeah bad guy for sure

I agree completely.

I am glad you had a much better experience!

Yes, and I saw this new fellow again. Maybe it is a mistake to see him two days in a row. We spent the time walking indoors in shopping malls and eating and talking.

One nice thing about closing the door on the other fellow is that I could open the door for another person... who I almost ended up cancelling the first time because I got weirded out by his first text messages but this was more of a rebound effect in my mind, and not being fair to him.

He seems like a kind person and I was able to tell him today about my bipolar and the fact that I've been hospitalized. This is a personal decision and I'm not usually talking about this on the second meeting but it felt like the right step and now I feel like he knows what he is dealing with.

Anyway both days I barely made it out the door, but ended up enjoying a relatively full day and walking too

Well I'm on to a different fellow who is a big improvement from the last one except there are a few problems in my mind and I could really use some feedback to get other people's impressions or point of view.

I have only seen this new man 2 times and have already started to freak out a bit about some of the things he has said. I don't know if this is me and I just need to chill, or if it is worth bring up with him, or how to handle things. It could also be cultural. He grew up in a middle eastern country and I'm wondering if that might be part of it too. Or our communication is a bit off.

Well the big thing is my position is that for now I am looking for a platonic relationship as friends and that has been my position from the very beginning. The first email exchange we had, he asked if I'd be open to the possibility of more, and I said anything was possible but I am not thinking about that at the moment. i am interested in friendship. Well, each time I have seen him he has brought this up again, talking about his 'needs' as a man and asking me if he should look for another woman to have a relationship or should wait for me to make up my mind... I told him he was putting pressure on me and I couldn't answer after seeing him only twice but if he wanted to look elsewhere I was ok with that because I'm only interested in friendship for now.

Well this morning it was bothering me so I texted him that I am definitely only interested in friendship and for him to let me know if this was ok with him or not.

I'm looking for friendship. He's looking for a relationship. Well we will see what he writes.

Am I over-reacting?