Not sure if I still love my husband

I don’t know if I love my husband anymore. I feel like I’m just here for the kids. Married 11 years, 4 children. We don’t talk anymore proper just about day to day things. No kissing or hugging. Hardly any sex. Only if I have to. Don’t really want him near. Big problem is I am from Germany and want to move back but he doesn’t seem to even that he always says he does. And now with the Brexit another strain on the marriage.
Beginning of December I was in Germany alone at my friends house and cheated on my husband with my friends brother in law.
I fancied him since my friend got married in September. We were maid of honour and best man. He wanted to kiss me back in September when we danced. I had a lot of butterflies when he came closer but turned my head away coz my mum and sister were there aswell.
So i actually planned to do something when I was at my friends. I needed to feel like a woman again not just housewife.
The thing is even that I know it was wrong I don’t feel any guilt. I actually enjoyed it.
I don’t miss my husband when he goes to work or when I’m in Germany visiting family.
He is a great guy, very good father and helps out in the household. I should be happy but I am not.
I know it’s not just his fault.
I still love him in a friend kind of way just not romantic anymore.
I know I sound immature and selfish.
And I can’t really talk to him about it.
Not yet.
Some days I am determined to tell him that I am leaving other days I think should I really do it.
What would other people think especially family?
What happens to the kids? The 3 older ones are very much daddy’s kids. Just baby is more focused on me.
Plus oldest one got autism.
But should I stay only to keep kids happy and I get more and more depressed?
I don’t know what to do anymore.

Is couples counseling a option or are you just really done with the marriage?

Divorce isnt easy on the entire family but staying for the kids isnt always the right thing to do...

Can you see a Therapist on your own to sort of out how you feel and what you really want to do ?

Good luck and welcome to PC

Thank you for your reply.
If I would suggest couple counselling to my husband he would say that we don’t need it as we don’t have any problems.
He just can’t see it. He just thinks it’s just hormones or whatever women stuff.
I know divorce isn’t easy, my parents are divorced.
But I don’t want to be stuck in a marriage and country I am not happy with.
I really love my children and want them to be happy but can they be happy with such a mess of a mother?
I am always stressed, annoyed etc due to depression and anxiety and the rest.
I am so not sure about the marriage. The love is just gone. I’m bored sometimes even extremely annoyed by him. Which i guess is normal to some extent but imagining life without him more than usual is not normal.
I made an appointment but it’s still a few weeks away.

Staying in a marriage for the sake of the children is not a good reason to stay, the children will know that their Mom is unhappy. Trust me on that one. You need to decide if you want to repair the marriage, communication is key, are you interested in couples counseling? That will work if you both want it too. But it sounds like this is not what you want? Separation and divorce can be stressful but ultimately may be best for all concerned and it can be done so your children are happier too. Lots of decisions to be made, I wish you luck.

Thank you for your help. My husband and me had a good long chat. It was good that everything was on the table. He finally realised how unhappy I am. I still want to move to Germany but he now told me that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to leave his job or sell the house. He was always hoping that I will settle and be happy. I can understand that he doesn’t want to leave his job and the rest. I mean in Germany he would be like I am now. I really would try and make it work regards our love life but in the long run he still wouldn’t want to move. So it’s either leave him and move back or make it work but be unhappy with my life.
The biggest problem will be that the 3 older kids want to stay here with him.
I really don’t know anything now.