[Phasma88]

I have been having alot of problems with my husband over the past few years but today has been particularly terrible and I am looking for advice and support. It is long story but please bear with me. I am feeling very lonely and don't know what to do.

We had a big fight over something that was in essence very trivial but it culminated with my husband throwing a screwdriver in my direction, leaving me shaken and very upset.

We were moving some furniture in my kids' bedroom around when we had a disagreement about how place my 7 year old son's loft bed. it is an Ikea bed that your can flip around so the bed is either high up like a loft bed or on the ground. We had to dismantle it to move it to a different room. This is really difficult and my non-DIY husband was getting very frustrated but I tried to support him by keeping the kids out of the way and cooking a nice lunch (he refused all other help).

Then he lost his temper all together when my son told him he wanted to keep his bed on the ground, instead of flipping it up to be a loft bed. I agreed the low bed would be better because the last time we flipped his bed up, my son got really scared in the middle of the night and kept waking up and calling for me. My husband got really angry because we had agreed to make it a loft bed earlier in the morning and he thought the room layout would work better that way. He started yelling and getting really pissed off very quickly
I thought my husband was over-reacting because it actually didn't make a difference to the way you assemble the bed and I thought my son should get to decide which way up he wanted his bed.

So my husband started yelling at me that my son should learn to sleep on the high bunk bed. I got angry in turn and so frustrated I yelled back, saying that as my husband never put the kids to bed or woke up to comfort them at night, he should listen to me. He then threw a screwdriver in my direction, deliberately throwing it short so it missed me but he threw it hard enough to smash a picture frame and heavy plastic storage box.

It was a big screwdriver and thrown with alot of force, so if it had hit me, I would have been really badly hurt. Really badly. Shaken and furious at this behavior, I hissed at him that he is a f-ing asshole and that I was leaving him. I gathered the kids up as soon as I could and took them out to the playground so we could escape and cool off but I haven't been able to stop crying all afternoon.

My husband had cooled down by the time I got home. He did not apologise - he has never, ever, apologized for anything in our 10 years together - but he seemed to think the whole thing was over. I cooked dinner and put the kids to bed but I can't let this go so easily and told him I want to separate with him as soon as the kids are sleeping. Am I wrong to just want out? I felt so scared and shaken and this is just the latest event in a long series of troubles.

This is not the first time my husband has thrown things when he is angry, though he has never actually hurt me. These incidents don't happen often (like once or twice a year) but they are terrifying and destructive (he has broken chairs, our coffee table, etc). There have been a few times when he's been angry while we're in the car and he suddenly blows up and starts driving like a maniac, accelerating and braking in a crazy fashion, weaving in and out of lanes.

The thing that scares me most about these incidents is that I can't tell they are coming from his facial expression. His face always looks composed and controlled then - BAM! - he suddenly explodes or does something really hurtful or inappropriate. It scares me that I can't read him. It's like he's very tightly controlled and all his emotions are repressed deep down, then BOOM! Something happens and he explodes.

There are lots of problems in our relationship that we haven't managed to address because we can't seem to communicate without fighting. I feel very unsatisfied, frustrated and angry. He is always either travelling for work or very emotionally distant at home. He spends alot of time buried in his iPhone or sleeping. When he is around, I feel like he is often sarcastic or snide. We don't seem to be able to take things out, usually he gets angry at me when I try to discuss our problems and just 'shuts down' - he stops talking to me altogether.

We are not affectionate, we don't hug or hold hands, we are not intimate in any way. I am so sad because we used to have a good relationship and I am scared of looking after two kids on my own but after today I really feel like our relationship is toxic and we need to separate. I also feel terrible that my kids have grown up witnessing such a dysfunctional family dynamic and hope I haven't messed them up for good. We both love our kids dearly and I guess this is why we have held on for so long, hoping our relationship would get better. Am I wrong to think this isn't salvageable? I am honestly not sure my husband even wants to try. Like I said, he has never once apologized or even owned his wrongdoing in any fight (I have apologized, made amends and grovelled like crazy). He always just says it's my fault or I shouldn't expect more from him because he is just not built to be talk-y it romantic or whatever ....

He loves his kids but there have also been weird moments when I am scared for my children around him. He takes a very authoritarian approach to parenting, which I disagree with. For example, when my son was 2 years old, we went on a holiday where the beach was full of crabs. The crabs scared my son, who wanted to be carried everywhere. My husband's solution was to put my son down about eight feet away from me so my son would have to walk to us. My son would be crying and getting all worked up, but my husband would be physically restraining me from going to him to comfort him until I finally managed to get free. It took at least a year for my son to get over his fear of walking on the beach after that. My husband also likes to have tickle fights and wrestles with the kids which they always seem to love and initiate but they often seem to go too far and someone ends up crying. Or there have been moments in the pool where he is just too rough and inappropriate.

Thank you for reading so far. I am not sure what I looking for - some reassurance maybe, or sympathy? I don't live in the same country as my family and I haven't been able to tell them or my friends that my marriage is failing.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Phasma: I'm sorry you are in this most difficult situation. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

P.S. Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of marriage & divorce. Perhaps something in them will be of help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...ng-to-divorce/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...es-put-it-off/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/7-reaso...ge-counseling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...edict-divorce/

[seesaw]

Hi Phasma,

I will admit I only got halfway through your post...it just reminded me of growing up with violence in my family. I suspect that since you live in Hong Kong there is some cultural difference.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is indeed very scary. It is possible to undergo marriage counseling? You and your husband, regardless of arguing or anything else, need to have an agreement that nothing will be thrown, even in jest, doors will not be slammed, and threats of violence at all will not be tolerated. Even those couple of times a year of signs of violence can negatively affect your children. And it certainly can leave symptoms of PTSD on you.

I have to tell you that the tickle fights and wrestling and "play violence" that ends up going too far is super familiar to me. My father did that to me, and now get flashbacks and anxiety whenever anyone touches me.

I don't know if it's unsalvageable or not, but I would not blame you for ending it. I think, for the sake of your vows and the love you must have felt at some point, it's good to explore couples counseling. If he won't do therapy with you, it might be good to seek a safer living environment.

Seesaw

I also feel terrible that my kids have grown up witnessing such a dysfunctional family dynamic and hope I haven't messed them up for good. We both love our kids dearly and I guess this is why we have held on for so long, hoping our relationship would get better. Am I wrong to think this isn't salvageable? I am honestly not sure my husband even wants to try. Like I said, he has never once apologized or even owned his wrongdoing in any fight (I have apologized, made amends and grovelled like crazy). He always just says it's my fault or I shouldn't expect more from him because he is just not built to be talk-y it romantic or whatever ....

The fact that he doesn't acknowledge his bad behaviors means it will never get better! Our children have even less power to stand up to bad behaviors than we (wives) have. Recommend you tell him you don't want to stay married because you can't handle his yelling and feel like it is bad for the kids. If you threaten to leave and he wants to stay married the threat may make him address his bad behaviors. Do you have a therapist? If you do not--I recommend you consider finding one. You need to threaten (and follow through if he gets worse) to walk away if his toxic behaviors continue. Threatening divorce or filing for divorce with a husband like this will not be easy--he will likely get angry but if he does get angry and stays that way--it will be confirmation that you need to get out. But sometimes men get angry in order to get their way. If you stand up and say--I will leave if this continues---He might actually try to make some changes. You are in a very hard situation. Talk to a therapist or a friend while you are going through this. He is causing all of you and your children to have a lot of anxiety.

[hvert]

That's a really tough situation. Your family is not there, but do you have any friends in the area? Are there any local support groups for women in similar situations? I would recommend the book the 'Gift of Fear,' which is about dealing with potentially violent situations and how to recognize them ahead of time.

[divine1966]

Your husband is violent. So once or twice a year he throws and breaks heavy objects? Your children likely to find violent partners too because that’s all they know. Not it’s not going to get better. You are muchsafer living in a shelter.