What do you all make of this? Did I overreact and was I horrible?

I don't know where to start really, I would just like other people's opinions on my current situation. I feel so confused I feel as if I am going mad. I don't know whether this situation is all my fault, I am only partly to blame or I am being toyed with. I have lived in the same street as this man for a good few years and have always liked him but I was too shy to talk to him. We would say hello but that was it. He used to talk to and help out my dad and my dad thought a lot about him.
However, after my dad died earlier this year we started to talk to each other and got on. He was very kind helping me clear the house and doing jobs for me. We started going out with each other and it seemed as if we were falling for each other fast. It turns out we had both liked each other for years but didn't dare say anything. He was kind attentive and loving very caring. I told him about my ex who was nasty to me because of my weight and my disability and he told me about his ex partner. I am looking after my elderly pd mother who made things difficult for us causing rows and being horrible to him. He took her out and was kind to her however. He had a similar upbringing with pd mother and father who split up so he understood.

The only problem was his friends who live down the road. We have had countless arguments over them and now unfortunately he has finished with me . He wonÂ’t speak to me and is very angry. I doubt very much if he will ever talk to me again. I accept that it is over but I canÂ’t just leave him as he is. He wonÂ’t listen to me but I continue to worry about him. His teenage son has a friend and the parents have been close friends with my ex for about eight years. I have talked over my concerns with a friend of mine and she is of the same opinion as me and does not think I am over reacting or imagining things. She finds the situation strange too. I have never come across anything like this before.
The couple both work and at the start of the week the mother texts my ex to say what days she needs lifts to and from work depending on when her husbandÂ’s shifts fall. He sometimes takes her little girl to school and picks her up. He takes the children to their grandparentsÂ’ house and collects them. Her father is housebound, ill living in a hoarder's houses, really filthy, and my ex goes to help him. He empties a bucket of urine, makes the old man breakfast, cleans up after his dogs, does the old manÂ’s shopping and goes to the chemist etc. He also feeds his birds of prey with dead chicks. The female friend the mother takes her washing down for my ex to dry, he gives them food sometimes and they are on his Netflix account. They donÂ’t give him any money for diesel or electricity. He takes her shopping, and has taken her to the dentist and the hospital. Often my ex has gone without meals and has been ran ragged doing jobs for them. They are constantly ringing and texting him every single day. He never gets a minuteÂ’s peace they are always wanting him to do things.

One day he had been at hospital with his mother all morning , then he had been at the old manÂ’s, had to pick the woman up and then she claimed she was ill and he had to go to the hospital.He was there until late and had nothing to eat all day. We had a row about it, as she claimed her husband wasnÂ’t able to come out of work to take his wife to hospital. My ex was ill the next day and had a pain in his chest. My ex is very kind but I feel they are taking advantage of him. He always says yes to them no matter how tired or poorly he is. He has depression and takes medication for this and is quite vulnerable. It is as if he is brain washed, he talks about them non- stop and thinks they are wonderful. I used to get told off for fussing but I cared about him I loved him. I could not decide if he had a crush on the woman, they were his support and he needed them, or if he was frightened he would lose their friendship if he said no. Sometimes the jobs arenÂ’t urgent or important and sometimes itÂ’s as if they just make them up just to keep him there.

When we first got together, we went to pick her up. She got in the car. I said hello to her three times, she never answered yet and just looked at me. It was my birthday and we went to a supermarket to get me some flowers. I stayed in the car and there was silence. She eventually spoke and said they couldn’t do without him and she said he was a “gentle giant” which I didn’t like. The next day he took her shopping and she said she didn’t have any money left but she had seen some flowers that her mother had liked, so what did he do he bought her some the day after buying me some. I thought that was weird.
One evening we were together at his home when the phone rang, they wanted him to go and feed the birds as the husband had forgotten that day and now had had a drink. My ex was annoyed but went anyway. Another time we were together in the house and the woman came down to collect her drying saw us together got a strange look and started to fake cry about how she needed help for her dad the next day. She knew that we spent certain days together. Of course, we had another row. To me her behaviour is very childlike like histrionic personality disorder with npd traits. She is acting like a jealous girlfriend and was manipulative and devious.She kept saying to him that he needed a hair cut and she would cut his hair. She did this twice in four months.I had said to him I liked his beard and she made a point of trimming his beard. I thought this was too personal too intimate. I felt as if she was just doing this to get at me and to upset me. One day I was crying about my mother to my ex. He told her this and two days later she cried about her father. One day she had said that no one had been to help her dad and he was ill because of it. My ex had been with me that day. If we were kissing he would break off to answer the phone to them and she used to phone him when she knew he was with me. One day I was in a cafe and I asked him do you fancy her. He said no. I said does she fancy you he said I don't think so. Right on cue his phone rang and it was her asking him if he was busy. He said no I am in a cafe. She wanted him to pick her up early from work. He got out of it. My friend thinks she was ramping up the demands and becoming more manipulative because she knew I could see through them. My ex would arrange to see me then if they wanted something he would cancel. The whole situation made me ill and depressed and I felt as if I was crazy. I could not reason with him. I kept trying to explain to him that they were using him and they were treating him like an errand boy. Things came to a head one evening when we had made plans then he sent me a text to cancel because she needed a lift home, and then he had to collect her children from their grandparents and do shopping for her father. Her husband was taking her father for a scan. I asked if he could come round later but kept saying they may need him. My pd mother had been ranting all day and I had been relying on him to bring a take out home for our meal. I was demented and I blew up and got angry saying that they always came first. He immediately shut down saying leave me alone and for the last month will not talk answer texts or the door. I have been trying and trying to say sorry but he won't listen all he says is that i reacted badly to his friends and was horrible to them. To make matters worse the woman's father has died. I have sent sympathy cards everything and nothing. I guess what I would like to know is what other people would have done, how would they have reacted to this situation and if there is possibly more than depression going on with my ex. A pd possibly. Do other people think it was excessive every day doing jobs for them and why did he allow this?

Wow.

I've read through this post and it's quite a story.

I think you found a very gentle, caring natured person.

The problem is, he doesn't know how to put your needs nor his needs in the relationship first and seems to be doing everything for everyone else.

I'm not seeing what is driving this behaviour of his. Why he has the absolute urge to help them all the time. Are they quite a bit older than him? It sounds like he has taken on a "parental" role with them. It's quite strange.

Honestly. I would not want to come second best to someone else with my partner. Him making plans with you and cancelling because they ask him something and he clicks his fingers and goes running, is not okay.

If he's not able to compromise - nothing wrong with helping others out - but not at the expense of your time / commitment / plans together - then this is not the type of relationship that I would personally want to be in.

You deserve to be cherished and put first.

Too much drama going on with him, although he seems a nice guy. Still...you will NEVER be "first" with him. You deserve better.

Here's my take...the female friend has some sort of PD, and because your ex had a PD mother, he is somehow beholden under her spell. Obviously her husband is unavailable, so she is making your ex to take her husband's place. And your ex, because of his dysfunctional family background, is swept up in that role. He can't disconnect from her, because it would be like disconnecting from his mother. She guilts him, and he feels responsible for her, and he doesn't realize that he's not responsible for her.

When you came on the scene, she ramped up her efforts because you were a threat.

No, you weren't over-reacting. But I doubt he will change. Maybe have to cut your losses.

Sorry.

Seesaw

I am so grateful for your replies. I feel really unhappy about this because I really loved him and still do. I keep doubting myself because of his reaction. I never felt comfortable with the woman and I was worried in case I got it wrong and I was seeing something that wasn't there. I do think she has a personality disorder, she is in her late 30s and my ex is 50. I am 50 too. I sometimes wish I had never said anything to him then I would still be with him, sometimes I wish I had spelled it out to him that she has a personality disorder, and that she is using him as a surrogate husband. I was always a bit wary of saying that in case she reacted in a bad way to me.She is always arguing with people and calling them names. I think I am a bit frightened of her to be honest. Why can't he see what she is, should i spell it out to him or go and have a talk with his brother about it all?