[jellybean1223]

I've been with my boyfriend about one year, and recently something from his past has really weighed on me. We are both 28.

About eight years ago, the girl he was dating at the time got pregnant and they got married. Unfortunately, the baby got sick and passed away when she was just a few months old. Ultimately, him and his wife ended up getting divorced a year or so later.(he admitted that they hadn't really been a good match and that they only really got married because she got pregnant). This all happened when he was living in another state while he was in the army. Him and I only met last year.

So last week I started thinking about that and realized that if his daughter hadn't passed away, we wouldn't be together and would have never met. He would have stayed in that state to raise his daughter.

This has brought me such guilt because I feel like the best relationship I've ever been in only exists because a baby died. Also, I can't help thinking that after my boyfriend went through such grief that I may only be a "consolation prize" even though I know it's very selfish to think this way.

I have spent time crying over this nearly every day for the past week, I feel numb and I don't know how to deal with this or how to come to terms.

[Little Lulu]

Welcome to PC jellybean. The new information about your boyfriend is a lot for you to take in. I can certainly understand how you would be shook up about it. I was imagining how I might feel if I learned something like this and it would be everything from very sad for him and the situation to jealousy that he shared something so intimate as having and then losing a baby with someone else. I would also be disturbed that he didn't tell me sooner although maybe he didn't want you to know because he values your relationship to the degree that he feared it might scare you off.

That said, maybe what you need to do is what I call PAUSE, which means do nothing for now, accept how you are feeling no matter how crummy it does feel (even if you are feeling guilty or angry, that is okay, try to be compassionate with yourself) and find someone to talk it through with such as a good friend or a counselor. Your brain is on overload and that is understandable. But this doesn't necessarily have to be the end of what has been a good relationship. It might be the beginning of something more intimate for the two of you if you can work through it.

(((Hugs)))

[Skeezyks]

Hello jellybean: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

P.S. My relationship also exists on a whole string of coincidences. (I suppose most peoples' do, when you think about it. That's simply the way life is, I suppose.) One thing that does occur to me is that, if you feel you can, it might be beneficial if you could talk this through with your bf. If not, perhaps talking it through with a trusted friend, relative or therapist might be a good way to go. Continuing to ruminate over this is, from my perspective, definitely not the way to go. Here are links to a couple of articles from the PsychCentral archives on effective ways to handle emotions that may be of some assistance:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...e-effectively/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...nful-emotions/

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand that you may feel this way, but please realize it is not your fault this happened. Life can take some pretty unpredictable roads, and you have nothing to feel guilty about it: what's in the past, it's in the past, try to look forward to your future together Do you think talking it with your boyfriend may help?