[ajisalone]

When I was a kid, my dad was incarcerated. I'm not completely sure why since I tend to be left out in know things in my family. Anyways. He was much closer to my two other siblings than me. Idk. As a child, and even now, it felt like I wasn't really able to "love" any of my family members, so I never got close to any of them.

For about a year or 2 before I went off to college (about 5 months ago), he called to speak to me a few times a month. Calls me when I come home for breaks. Not only am I uncomfortable with speaking on the phone in general, but trying to have a conversation to a person you barely know makes it 10x worse. And now, he wants me to see him on my 18th birthday.

I'm honestly dreading the day so much. I'm already not good socially at all. I don't even have friends! The awkward silences on the phone. Ugh. It just feels stressful. Who knows how long I'll have to stay and try to smile and act like I'm happy to be there. It would be wrong and selfish to tell him I don't want to go.

[~Christina]

You don’t have to go see him. It’s your choice.

[Bill3]

Who knows how long I'll have to stay and try to smile and act like I'm happy to be there.

This does not sound like a fun 18th birthday.

It would be wrong and selfish to tell him I don't want to go.

It would not be wrong and it would not be selfish. This is your choice. Especially on your birthday!

Maybe you want to see him on some other occasion, besides your birthday. Maybe you don't even want to speak with him on the phone. Maybe email or letters would be easier. Or maybe you want no contact with him at all.

Do you have a therapist that you can speak to about your feelings about your father? If not, maybe you could see one at your college?

You could write your feelings about your father here on PC.

[ajisalone]

Sigh. I know he's not a bad person and I know he loves my siblings and I. He takes so much crap from his own family. Especially from my gma, who yells at him all the time, most of the time for insignificant things. She does that with me too sometimes (I've lived with her my whole life. She has a definite temper.) But then again, he's not a great person either.. temper.. always speaking bad about my mom and gma while on the phone. Cheating on his new wife. Sigh. I'm kinda conflicted. I just feel like I shouldn't isolate him- especially for my siblings' sake.

Originally Posted by Bill3

Do you have a therapist that you can speak to about your feelings about your father? If not, maybe you could see one at your college?

You could write your feelings about your father here on PC.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I plan on doing a 'screening' thursday, where they choose who I should see about my problems, what actions I should take, and all that. I just kinda wanted to vent beforehand

[Open Eyes]

If you do decide to meet with him, ask him and try to concentrate the conversation towards "about him" as people tend to like talking about themselves the most. You don't have to commit to sharing things about yourself either. It can be helpful for you if you sit down and make a list of questions you can ask him so when you do see him you are more prepared to keep the conversation more about him. If he has already talked about the people he doesn't care for he has actually given you important information about himself as he describes the interactions he has with these individuals that made him decide he doesn't like them. As you have shared "you barely know him" and the only way you can change that is by taking some time to write down questions that you can ask him where you can gain information about him so you get so you know him better. If you don't know what he did that resulted in him being incarcerated then tell him that and see if you can get "his" version. Always remember, all you are doing is getting "his" story and that doesn't always mean his story is based on the real truth. Instead, whatever he shares is how HE wants to see things. Also, you don't have to be "close" to anyone, not even individuals in your own family. You have a right to deciding for yourself who you want to share with and like and who you don't.

[healingme4me]

Rifts of any kind aren't easy to repair. If you do choose to see him, keep in mind it's ok to go at your pace.

[eskielover]

But then again, he's not a great person either.. temper.. always speaking bad about my mom and gma while on the phone. Cheating on his new wife.

those are good enough reasons to limit your involvement with him. Just because he is your dad & loves his children, things like this are reason enough to keep your distance & close involvement with him to a minimum & keep it at an acquaintance levek for your own well being.

So glad you are starting un therapy. That should help you a lot in learning how to set your own boundaries & why you feel the need to set them.