New Relationship Concerns

I don't know, six weeks of regular dating seems like enough to be exclusive to me. Especially if you are sleeping together. That seems kinda lame on his part. I mean exclusive doesn't mean you're engaged..it just means you aren't exploring anything with anyone else right now. It seems kinda insulting that after six weeks he could even make the small commitment to be exclusively dating. Not gf/bf, just exclusively dating.

Smart of you to cancel a date. If he wanted to keep his options open, it’s fine, but then no need to sleep together. I am glad you had that discussion and were direct. It’s always better to ask directly. Now you know what’s going on. Personally I think stopping seeing him all together might be a good idea. If you are looking for “the one”, he likely isn’t “it”. But if you want to continue seeing him, keep it low key and see others.

I’d stop sleeping with him though. I know you said you are ok having casual sex without exclusively and you fell liberated but deep inside I think it’s just disrespectful and rude to sleep with a woman while talking to other women on dating sites.

You deserve better than that. Congratulations on addressing it and finding out early on. You did the right thing!

Yeah, I agree with Divine on the sex thing but for a different reason, and please don't everyone jump on me for this. It's just how I do things, and I"m fine with it. But if I'm having casual sex with someone, I'm not dating them or seeing them often. It's casual sex because it's just sex. There's no intimate connection being developed while dating.

So if you want a booty call, keep his number around, but otherwise, I wouldn't date him any more. Not until he can at least date you exclusively.

Seesaw

Absolutely nothing wrong with friends with benefits or casual sex or dating non exclusively etc as long as it is dicussed early on and mutually agreed upon. Then no one would be upset. And I think it’s important that we ask questions early on and don’t assume things. Because someone spends a lot of time with us or looks at us pleasantly it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t searching for someone else at the same time.

I agree with seesaw that if you want him for sex then just keep him strictly for casual sex.

But I also think if you want to continue seeing him for fun such as going on dates then I’d not sleep with him and I’d keep my options open.

Thank you all for your support and input!!

He's now contradicted himself and tells me he's not talking to women, so i am now confused. We are going to talk it through today on the phone. I agree about not having sex with him if he's still browsing. I can (I think) continue to date him more casually and continue to see him, but I just won't sleep with him, I will keep my options open, and maybe will see other people, too. I don't want to stop seeing him altogether.... and yes, I agree that six weeks is plenty of time to ask about being exclusive, especially since we have been sleeping together, multiple times now, and went away for a weekend together. I don't need us to be all serious all of a sudden, but if I'm going to sleep with him, I certainly don't want him talking online to other women still. I have no interest in pursuing other men right now either.

The start of this thread was that you were seeing several things about him you didn’t like and could be deal breakers. Now, that you found out he isn’t committed to you, you are pushing for exclusivity?

If it were me, I’d continue to date him and have fun, have sex if you want to, use protection!, and take it very, very slow. Keep your options open, too! Why have that conversation over the phone? I wouldn’t.

I didn't really say the initial concerns were dealbreakers - I said they are yellow flags for me to watch which could potentially turn into deal breakers. I cannot continue to have sex with him if he is going to see other women or explore his options. That's not my style.

Yes, I think six weeks is plenty of time for me to ask about exclusivity. You're not in this relationship and do not know how he looks at me. He stares at me lovingly a LOT. I think it is perfectly appropriate to ask for this -- I am not "pushing" for it either - you misunderstand. If he doens't want to, that is fine, but that means I will date other people, keep my options open and not have sex with him anymore.

That makes sense. Sure, I agree. I once did see a guy where I suspected he had sex with others and I hoped he would become exclusive with me. I was fooling myself. He dumped me. So, I agree with you about the sex.

I’d probably wait until the next time you are together, not on the phone. And he looks at you so lovingly, and you then bring up that he seems to show feelings for you, yet you don’t want to take the relationshipfurther, sex-wise, until he stops pursuing other women.

Thanks. I am going to talk to him shortly about this on the phone. It cannot wait until we are together next. We were supposed to see each other tonight, and I was supposed to spend the night. It needs to be addressed right now.

But, then again, why are you rushing into a new relationship right after being heart broken from the last one? You do have yellow flags. Slow down.

Why don’t you see him tonight, but just tell him you can’t spend the night?

You’re like the daughter I never had.

I already explained why. I am not going to continue to have sex with him IF he is still on the dating site. It is totally appropriate for me to bring up the issue. Six weeks is plenty of time to ask for exclusivity or at least to ask if he is still exploring options. I am not rushing in, I want to know where things stand. I have that right.

Sure, it’s just a different style of approach that I would use. You know what’s best.

Oops, I missed this message! Maybe??

AW!! that is very sweet! Missed this message too!

Thanks!

I have a bad feeling about all this. I had bad feeling about your last one too. What do your guts tell you? I hate to see you hurt please be careful.

Oh dear. Hmm..... I don't know what my gut is saying. I will be careful .. thank you very much for your concern. I don't want to get hurt either.

Personally I would stop communicating with him, lots of “ yellow flags” as you mentioned.

I imagine since he likes to look at himself so much he most likely enjoys getting other women interested in him.

* stroking his ego *

Don't want to be a downer, but I kind of agree with Christina on this one. He sounds insecure .

A couple of points, someone said he should be over the mirror staring stage. I would say after I broke up with my ex,I lost a lot of weight, changed my look...became ALOT more body confident.
Ok an hour straight, does seem excessive,
but I did spend ALOT of time preening and it boosted my ego.
As for projecting himself onto the wall...That is SO something my fella would do...But in good humour.

What you need to figure out is how serious this is, if you can tease him light heartedly about it and he responds with humour...I suspect it's probably a phase brought on by his break up.
If he gets defensive or snarky then maybe have a more formal chat about it at another time.
His response to losing his family...totally normal...I would be more concerned if he wasn't showing signs of distress, especially at this time of year.

Remember you can miss what you thought you had probably more than the reality.

You compare his attentiveness to your ex, dangerous ground considering what your ex was up too.

I don't respond to about 2 out of 4 of my fellas texts,not because I don't love him, I do very much.
But honestly the more I reply the more he texts.then I get nothing done, and we would have nothing to talk about when he calls each night. (We don't live together)

Also he often doesn't text anything that requires a reply, it's not a question or query just a statement or observation.

All this aside, your both pretty fragile in regards to starting a new relationship, and both carrying a fair amount of baggage. Trust your instincts, take it slow and talk to him.

But If you feel your persistently watching for flags to go up, it may be your just not ready to be involved yet.

All the best...hope it works out, whatever you decide.

Thanks, Christina. I just don't know. Yes, what you are saying is VERY possible!

YES, this is very very possible. TY for your thoughts.

TY for your thoughtful input.

All good points!

I am watching closely for red flags under the advisement of my therapist and for my own sake. I have ignored flags in the past and am trying not to this time around. It is true that I may not be ready to be involved just yet... very possible. I did start this relationship on the heels of my breakup.

Perhaps this is rebound guy. Perhaps that's all this will be. People come into our lives for a certain reason, I believe. So perhaps the reason why I met him was to help me get over my ex, but maybe it's not meant to be long-term.