New Relationship Concerns

Look, golden_eve has made her decision about what she wants to do, and while it's okay to raise red flags for her, it's another thing to badger over and over again after she has said, I hear what you are saying but I feel comfortable with handling it this way. We can care and be protective but in the end it's golden_eve's choice what she will do. Telling her she lacks self-respect over and over again and disrespecting her decision over and over again does not seem supportive or helpful to me.

No one is all good or all bad, and golden_eve has mentioned this guy's good qualities many times yet people still argue with her that he's a bad guy.

She's not a child, she's not immature, and she's clearly not naive. She's struggling because this guy has good qualities and bad (like any other human being). She has decided the bad outweighs the good for her, but that she'd like to keep some kind of contact. That's her choice.

I am friends with numerous men that I had affairs (not extramarital just short-term) with. I enjoy seeing how their lives have progressed and what they are doing now. Some of them have turned into professional connections. She had a fling with this guy, they ended things amicably, and now they are staying acquaintances. Not a big deal.

She wants one last conversation in person instead of leaving it to text. Maybe she has questions she wants answered to help her get closure, or maybe she wants to say things to get off her chest.

In her moment of vulnerability she mentioned she might kiss him. Big whoop. It doesn't mean she lacks self respect, it just means that she;s honest with the conflict in her feelings.

SO many people are demonizing this guy, who is her friend, by the way, and we don't know the circumstances of his cheating in the past. We don't know his behaviors toward women. There are a lot of assumptions being made.

I can understand why having to defend your decisions over and over again would be triggering.

There was a lot of assumption going on here about this new guy. I think he was over analyzed here. I don’t read any of those things about him that others did. They may be right, but we are assuming.

Eve, I think you did too much analyzing of it and this thread was like you had too many cooks giving you advice.

Just go with your instincts and trust yourself.

My mother taught me how to date and treat men. I followed her advice mostly because she was right and her tactics got me what I wanted.

I get it. I wasn't being protective. Just giving my opinion and advice. She doesn't have to take it. She asked for me to stop giving advice and I have and wished her the best.

I would never be friends with a guy I had a fling with for 7 weeks, who treated me the way this guy treated eve. I wouldn't even want a reminder of that time. I mean, I just don't understand why eve needs that Christmas present from him.

I also don't Facebook add men I've had flings with, because that's just wrong, in my opinion. Why do they need to stay in contact with me if they rejected me? They don't. And I don't need to stay in contact with them.

If a man I date rejects me romantically, he doesn't get to walk away with my friendship as some type of consolation prize. You reject me, that's it. Buh-bye. I don't want to be friends with a man who has rejected me romantically. Because you're not really friends after you've dated; you're just casual acquaintances at best.

I think eve got a LOT of great advice here about her situation. But I find eve's defensive responses very strange, because of the way she has flip flopped about how she feels about this guy.

On one hand, she says she's moved on and already had sex with another guy. Yet, then she posts about how much she misses 7-week-fling guy, who she's already Facebook friends with (yet she asked if that was a good idea, but then when is told no, it isn't, gets mad which makes no sense to me, personally).

My advice is, don't ask people for advice that you don't want to hear. If you already know what you are going to do, then don't seek opinions from other people who may disagree with you. That's what I've seen happen here. My advice didn't help so I stopped responding to eve's posts. She obviously has made up her own mind, so she doesn't need anyone's advice.

Seesaw, thank you very much for coming to my defense.

Open Eyes, I hadn't thought of it that way, but I suppose I am the one in control here.

Tisha, yes there was a lot of over analysis and reading into things -- as for me, I was watching out for red flags. I found them and am grateful to get out when I did.

It is OK when people feel protective, which I appreciate. It is not OK to be badgered (as Seesaw put it) over a decision, especially when I feel comfortable and happy with that decision.

For the last time, this guy has done NOTHING wrong. He did NOT hurt me. He was NOT a jerk to me.

How on earth did he treat me badly???

I am really sick of this guy being vilified, and of people criticizing me!

I am closing this thread. Enough said. Some of you are NOT being helpful, your posts are making me VERY defensive and VERY triggered and I am tired of it.

No one badgered you, eve. No one feels protective of you either. I think you just wanted validation for your choices, but many posters in this thread didn't validate you the way you needed so that is what's really upset you. I stopped providing my opinion after you attacked me for pointing out how 7-week-fling guy rejected you (bolding your own words that you posted).

Obviously, you've moved on because you've already had sex with the next guy and kept 7-week-fling guy as your Facebook friend. So, why do you still need advice that you aren't even going to take? That's what I don't understand.

You've vilified him. You've pined over a guy who you've claimed isn't the right kind of guy for you. No one else has. If you write about him in a negative light, talking about the way he loves looking at himself in the mirror, how he doesn't want to be exclusive and has cheated, what kind of responses do you expect? You pained him in a bad light, and others responded to that. So, what did you expect people to write in response to your description of him?

Please stop responding. This thread is now closed from further comment and I have asked Admin to shut it down because of triggering posts such as yours full of accusations and unhelpful/hurtful comments. Now please STOP

I am shutting down any further conversation on the matter. Please no one else respond. As posted above, I have asked Admin to close the thread.

((((golden)))),

Sorry your own thread is triggering to you. You have been sharing some things you noticed about this guy that did not quite set right with you, nothing wrong with that. It's important to pay attention and be cautious when dating and engaging with someone new. When someone is lonely and trying to find companionship they can be vulnerable and may not see some red flags that may lead to them being hurt. Truth is there are individuals on the internet, dating sites, etc. that take advantage of that and they can be VERY convincing and charming.

Personally, what concerned me and sent a flag up for me is when you described how this individual spent a rather long time in front of the mirror admiring himself and a certain part of himself.

A player can be a pretty cocktail dress, but NEVER a wedding dress. A player can be fun and flirty and be complimentary and even loving, but that is part of being a successful and good player. You can play with them, and you can say yes and say no too, but where you can get hurt is when you BELIEVE they are that wedding dress when that is not what they are.

Why do you assume that if I say I had a fling with someone that it means they rejected me if we are not now together? That is not the case at all and hence why these men and I are still friends, because there was no rejection involved. Please stop assuming that because something did not work out that rejection was involved. It is like you want us to feel bad about ourselves.

Two of the men I'm thinking about in particular, we never had any discussions about our affairs being long-term; they ended when they ended and it had nothing to do with rejection. We either both decided TOGETHER that it wasn't working or the affair itself was self-limiting so there was never any intent for it to go on.

One of my affairs in particular was with a good friend and afterwards we laughed about it because we both thought we'd be horrible together so we went back to being friends. There was no rejection involved. Not every relationship ends because one person rejects or harms the other person.

And golden_eve was not rejected by this guy. If anything, she's the one that did the rejecting because she's the one who ended it.

You are making a big assumption about the nature of my relationships with these men with absolutely no information. I am sorry that you were rejected by some men, but I was not rejected by these men that I am still friends with. I think you are projecting, which is not useful in trying to give support here.

Just reading this thread, to learn about different opinions about and to implement in my own life (i got my own relationship struggles that i choose not to share but i am reading this forum to get help) has made me more depressed. And I was hoping to be part of a community when I came to PC but seeing these attack
and defense matches that reflect real life and maKe me more depressed. Do you realize that this is a public forum for people w MI?
Why aren’t we being supportive to each other? Why are we attacking and defending? Do you all realiZe that other members can read your back and forth defense and attack matches and also get impacted? Do you realize that this is a public forum and your posts are read by others who are struggling and whom you have no idea about and who are trying to deal w their own drama and read these threads to may be feel part of the community?
Do you all realize that your responses (defense or attack) can be triggering to people? Lots of people attack or disagree with me in this forum and I choose not to engage in back and forth only because i am trying to protect my mental health and others’ mental health.
This is not high school

In case you missed it. I have asked Admin to close the thread for just this reason.

This thread is being closed at the OP's request.