[Cubby810]

My girlfriend (now fiance) of 8 years have been together for as long as my 8 year old son can remember. We are in our late 20s. We have lived together for 6 years and he has lived with us for about 5 years. We also have a 6 year old daughter together. His mother and her situation is a whole other animal (she was young when she had him, he has an older and younger brother over there, she lives with her "husband" at her parents house and is due with another child in a couple days) and not the source of my growing frustration; it is what it is there. I do not know who, if either of us, is in the wrong but I can't help feeling like it's not me (fully understanding I am not perfect). So my issue is that my fiance treats my children differently and completely refuses to acknowledge that after 8 years (5 of which my son has lived with us full time) she is his full-time mother figure. My son has been acting out a lot lately due to this situation and the one he is in with his actual mother. She wants what is best for both of my kids, but holds my daughter on a pedestal and treats my son like he is just screwing up "her daughter". I think my son needs a more involved mother figure because he certainly doesn't get it with his actual mother. Most of the time I feel like she resents the situation we are put in with his mother and takes it out on my son. Constantly when we argue about it she tries to explain that he is not her child and my daughter is, so therefore not in anyway her responsibility. I try to explain that after this long, I believe she should accept that she has a motherly responsibility to him and that any normal person in our situation would treat him like their own son. Am I wrong? I love my kids and I love my fiance and am afraid that this is going to tear our family apart. Thank you to anyone who might try to help and took the time to read this.

[eskielover]

Maybe since your son is living with you full time, your fiancee could adopt him when you finally get married. That way she would then legally become responsible & it would solve that conflict. Just a thought that might solve the problem. For some women they struggle with the step-mom situation because it is hard for them to feel responsible when they legally arent.

I admire my daughter because she stepped up & was such a good mom figure to her BF'S 2 kids, but know its difficult for some to do that.

[Bill3]

What sort of feelings does she have for your son? Aside from the issues you mentioned, to what extent is she fond of him?

[Cubby810]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What sort of feelings does she have for your son? Aside from the issues you mentioned, to what extent is she fond of him?

She loves him. Like I said she has been around since before he was 1. She is a really good person with a good heart and it kind of blows my mind when she says the "he's not mine" deal. Seems to me though if she is so concerned with our daughter, and the fact that if my son had a better mother figure it might help him with his minor behavioral issues, then it's just a no brainer.

[scorpiosis37]

I really feel for your son. Kids pick up on unequal treatment and it can severely damage their self-esteem for life. Your son needs to feel that he is equally loved and equally special. Anything less is emotionally abusive. I would seriously question marrying someone who is behaving in a way that could permanently damage your son. I recommend you both sitting down with a therapist to discuss this.

[~Christina]

Certainly needs addressing with a Therapist.

Might help your son to see a Therapist and make sure that he is doing well right now.

My mother treated me and brother so differently it has caused me much distress for my entire life.

[Bill3]

What would you like to see changed in her way of interacting with him?

[Trippin2.0]

I would never marry someone that treated my child less than.

You might want to sign on the dotted line, and that’s perfectly ok, but think of what you are signing your son up for...

Family therapy might be a good start

[Open Eyes]

Well, the problem is how your finance is having to deal with the influence your son's real mother is having on him. She is right in that he is not her son where she has the ability to prevent him from being exposed to the negative things that may be going on in your ex wife's home that he is subjected to. In turn this is a challenge for your son because no matter where he goes, either home, he probably feels like he doesn't quite fit in.

I agree with the other posters in that your son could benefit from seeing a therapist who can help him with how he struggles with this challenge. Also it would benefit both you and your fiance to talk to a family therapist who can provide you with some helpful tools the two of you could use to handle this challenge. After all, you are the adults in this picture and your son is depending on YOU being able to handle this challenge.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Maybe since your son is living with you full time, your fiancee could adopt him when you finally get married. That way she would then legally become responsible & it would solve that conflict. Just a thought that might solve the problem. For some women they struggle with the step-mom situation because it is hard for them to feel responsible when they legally arent.

I admire my daughter because she stepped up & was such a good mom figure to her BF'S 2 kids, but know its difficult for some to do that.

He has a mother though and other women can’t be just adopting him unless of course his mother is ok with signing her rights away. Maybe I missed that his mother is willing to give him up

[divine1966]

I love my stepkids but I don’t treat them as my own, granted they are adults do it’s different. But it’s a lot to ask of people to treat kids as their own. It can’t be easy. I kind of emphatise with your son AND your girlfriend.

Ps I wonder if her attitude is due to not being married to you. 8 years is s long time to be a girlfriend, she could be resenting it

[scorpiosis37]

I’ve had long-term relationships with single parents and if you truly love the parent, you grow to love the child, too. I can’t imagine treating my partner’s child as “less than.” I certainly wouldn’t date someone who did. Like another poster mentioned, my sister and I were treated VERY differently growing up and it has had an effect on me my whole life. I’m still a stable, successful adult but I will always have some insecurities because of how I was treated. I hate to see other kids experience that.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I’ve had long-term relationships with single parents and if you truly love the parent, you grow to love the child, too. I can’t imagine treating my partner’s child as “less than.” I certainly wouldn’t date someone who did. Like another poster mentioned, my sister and I were treated VERY differently growing up and it has had an effect on me my whole life. I’m still a stable, successful adult but I will always have some insecurities because of how I was treated. I hate to see other kids experience that.

I disagree.

I love my niece and nephews deerly but at no point they are my children, they are treated as very much loved niece and nephews, but they have parents. They are not treated “less than”. But I am not going to pretend I can replace their parents just because I love them!

One can love and treat stepkids wonderfully too but still not consider them your children especially if there are parents in the picture!. My daughter has wonderful stepmom but at no point I or my daughter expect or want her stepmom act as my daughter is her kid! What for? It doesn’t mean anything is “less than”. My daughter has a mother! It’s me! She isn’t denied to have a mother in her life! She has one!

Now my brother and sister in law adopted a child whose mother died and dad gave up his rights. My brother and sis in law adopted him and most certainly they took on a role of complete parenting. But the kid in this thread has parents! Mom and dad! Why would someone expect a girlfriend, not even a wife, act as she is child’s mother is ridiculous to me.

Frankly a man didn’t marry s woman for 8 years yet expects she becomes a mother to his kid. Kid who already has a mother! This is just unrealistic

[Trippin2.0]

I have to respectfully disagree with you Divine.

When you treat your own child with love and kindness, yet so obviously have disdain for your partners child, that is treating the child less than.

No two ways about it.

And some of us have a huge capacity for love, we can and do love other children as our very own, without any pretext or delusion of replacing their parental unit.

The one doesn’t have to equal the other.

That makes no sense.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I disagree.

I love my niece and nephews deerly but at no point they are my children, they are treated as very much loved niece and nephews, but they have parents. They are not treated “less than”. But I am not going to pretend I can replace their parents just because I love them!

One can love and treat stepkids wonderfully too but still not consider them your children especially if there are parents in the picture!. My daughter has wonderful stepmom but at no point I or my daughter expect or want her stepmom act as my daughter is her kid! What for? It doesn’t mean anything is “less than”. My daughter has a mother! It’s me! She isn’t denied to have a mother in her life! She has one!

Now my brother and sister in law adopted a child whose mother died and dad gave up his rights. My brother and sis in law adopted him and most certainly they took on a role of complete parenting. But the kid in this thread has parents! Mom and dad! Why would someone expect a girlfriend, not even a wife, act as she is child’s mother is ridiculous to me.

Frankly a man didn’t marry s woman for 8 years yet expects she becomes a mother to his kid. Kid who already has a mother! This is just unrealistic

Based on the OP’s own post, his girlfriend IS treating his son as “less than.” That’s the problem. I did not say the girlfriend has to think of the boy as her own or have him call her mom or anything, but if the two children live in the same house, they absolutely should be treated equally. They should both be shown the same kind of outwardly loving gestures and have the same privileges and responsibilities. Even if the girlfriend feels more love for her own child internally, outwardly, she should treat the children the same. To do otherwise is to damage the child. This is especially true since his own mom seems to have problems and is unable to give him the love or attention he clearly needs. When I have dated single parents, I do not pretend the child is mine but I do treat the child with love and it is genuine. I would not treat a partner’s child differently than I would treat my own child— especially if I had been there since the child was a baby. It is different if your partner has adult children who are already raised. My (now ex) partner had a 7 month old baby when we started dating and I treated her as I would my own child— without pretending to actually be her mom.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Based on the OP’s own post, his girlfriend IS treating his son as “less than.” That’s the problem. I did not say the girlfriend has to think of the boy as her own or have him call her mom or anything, but if the two children live in the same house, they absolutely should be treated equally. They should both be shown the same kind of outwardly loving gestures and have the same privileges and responsibilities. Even if the girlfriend feels more love for her own child internally, outwardly, she should treat the children the same. To do otherwise is to damage the child. This is especially true since his own mom seems to have problems and is unable to give him the love or attention he clearly needs. When I have dated single parents, I do not pretend the child is mine but I do treat the child with love and it is genuine. I would not treat a partner’s child differently than I would treat my own child— especially if I had been there since the child was a baby. It is different if your partner has adult children who are already raised. My (now ex) partner had a 7 month old baby when we started dating and I treated her as I would my own child— without pretending to actually be her mom.

I agree about treating children equally. Any children in the household should be treated equally regardless if and how they are related to you. I think I mainly have an issue with people talking about “loving someone’s child as your own” or play “mommy” or “daddy”. That is too much to ask. Sorry, ain’t happening. But certainly treating equally is absolutely needed.

Ps I’ve met people who insisted that whoever they are dating are now their child’s new “mommy” or “daddy”. That’s also equally damaging to a child

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I have to respectfully disagree with you Divine.

When you treat your own child with love and kindness, yet so obviously have disdain for your partners child, that is treating the child less than.

No two ways about it.

And some of us have a huge capacity for love, we can and do love other children as our very own, without any pretext or delusion of replacing their parental unit.

The one doesn’t have to equal the other.

That makes no sense.

Treating children with disdain, any children regardless if they are your partners’ kids, is absolutely appalling. At no point I ever suggested anything of the sort

[Middlemarcher]

I don’t really understand how you can love a woman who treats your son as less-than your/her bio daughter, and says she has no responsibility to him at all, when you’ve been living together for years. To me, that speaks so poorly of her character that I have a hard time imagining how she’s the good person you say she is.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I agree about treating children equally. Any children in the household should be treated equally regardless if and how they are related to you. I think I mainly have an issue with people talking about “loving someone’s child as your own” or play “mommy” or “daddy”. That is too much to ask. Sorry, ain’t happening. But certainly treating equally is absolutely needed.

Ps I’ve met people who insisted that whoever they are dating are now their child’s new “mommy” or “daddy”. That’s also equally damaging to a child

I do think it’s possible to love your partner’s child as your own. It’s not required but, over time, it certainly can happen. When I was with my ex, I helped her raise her daughter from when she was 7 months old. I loved her that way, though it was clear I was not her actual parent. I did, however, spend every day with the child while her actual second parent saw her maybe two or three times in the span of years.

If someone insists their new gf/bf is the child’s new mommy/daddy, I agree that is inappropriate and damaging. Especially if this happens repeatedly with each new gf/bf. I think it’s different if a long term stepmom or stepdad because the de-facto second parent. Many children live primarily with their mom or dad and a stepparent and I see nothing wrong if the child and step-parent form a strong parental bond. I think whoever the child lives with on a regular, long-term basis should be fulfilling the parental functions and giving the child love. If the child’s biological parent is incapable of doing that, I think it is a “plus” if the step-parent is able to do that.

[Open Eyes]

Hey Cubby, I have noticed that you have not responded in your own thread here. I hope you don't feel chased away or overwhelmed by all the interactions between the members here.

(((Hugs)))

OE