[SoScorpio]

This is an issue that is very difficult to present. On the one hand I have a man who I truly believe has a good heart, and what I thought was a relatively healthy 7-year relationship. On the other hand I have my mom and coworkers telling me he is too controlling, too critical, and may even be abusive. I'm caught somewhere in the middle. I love him and I know he loves me. I also know that people in abusive relationships are often in denial. And I know that the people concerned about me only have part of the story. Of course I usually mention him when we're having problems, I don't catalogue all the nice things he does for me, I don't think that's unusual. I should be the one who knows if my relationship is unhealthy, but I'm so confused.
He has agreed to couples counseling, but it will be a while before we can get in, and I'm losing patience. I need some perspective, so I'll try to lay this out objectively.

What really spurred me to write this today was the image I've attached. I was looking up the difference between domestic abuse and domestic violence, and this popped up. Right away I recognized behaviors of his under "isolation", "intimidation", "minimize, lie and blame", and "coercion and threats". I noted that at the bottom a statement says that battering is continuous and intentional, and that part gives me hope. Because it's not like this all the time, and I really don't know if he does these things on purpose. There have been times in the past when I wondered about this, but was reassured by other aspects of our relationship. What really made me ask this question again is a recent bout of jealousy and other behaviors listed on the pyramid. I did something that upset him and undermined his trust in me. What I can't figure out is if his reaction is appropriate or reasonable. So let me tell you the whole story.

A couple months ago I decided to try to engage with one of my co-workers outside of work. It was actually a complaint of my SO's that spurred me to this decision. He said that I talked negatively about work too much, and he was starting to dread picking me up from work because he knew I'd ***** for half an hour about my day. I see this as a normal part of decompressing the emotions from my day, but I did recognize that I was laying it all on him, unlike regular people who have friends they can vent to. So I figured I should make a friend at work, and we could talk about work so I wouldn't be bombarding my boyfriend with it every day. I chose someone in the same leadership role as me, who I recognized I had a lot in common with. It turned out we have more in common than we thought, we think the same way, have the same insecurities and fears, and both needed a friend to talk to about such things. This co-worker happens to be male, and from talk around the shop, I thought he was gay. I told my boyfriend so when I invited my coworker (let's call him Q from here on out) over the first time. My boyfriend was slightly uncomfortable with me spending time with another man while he was at work, but was somewhat comforted by Q being gay. It was only when we'd been talking about a week that I found out the truth was much more complicated. Q is not gay, but transgendered and bisexual. I withheld this discovery from my boyfriend because I knew no good would come of me telling him. But his suspicion and jealousy increased anyway because I started acting differently.
I should explain that it's been a very long time since I found someone I connected with so well. Also, whereas many people have a romantic relationship in their history that made them lose trust, I had that in a platonic relationship. My best friend from school ditched me over a boyfriend, and I've never gotten over it. In many ways Q reminds me of her, and how we were together. It's like we have our own language that no one else understands, and our own world that no one else can see. I wasn't expecting it, but we became very close very quickly. We talked about our past traumas, addictions, current mental health concerns, and the problems we have integrating into social situations which no one else seems to understand. We probably both have Aspergers, but whatever it is, we both get it. Have you ever met someone you just click with, who you can understand and sympathize with, without even trying? That's what it's like. I admit I got a bit wrapped up in this friendship, those first few weeks were like the honeymoon period of a romantic relationship, just without the romance. But I started acting secretive because I was afraid my boyfriend would think something was going on. Then came the really difficult part, when I realized that the way Q made me feel might be more than friendly. We have such an emotional connection, and some of the things he said to me caused physical responses that suggested attraction. I tried to ignore these feelings, but they kept coming up. Knowing I could never tell my boyfriend, I did the stupid thing and told Q. We talked about it almost as in a clinical setting, as if he were a counselor and not the person I might be attracted to. I certainly wasn't hoping for anything to happen. The pinnacle of my hopes was that he'd say he felt the same, then I could understand why I was feeling that way, and move on. In fact, he doesn't feel the same. His attractions are very complicated, and he says he doesn't see me that way, but has a platonic love for me almost as if we were siblings. I tried to just accept that, and move on, but the feelings kept coming back. We talked about them on and off, he tried to help me figure out why I would feel that way about him, and what I should do.
I know this isn't a normal situation. I know I shouldn't have told him I was attracted to him. I should have ignored the feelings or gone to a counselor. But I do still believe that it would have all blown over, if my boyfriend hadn't started reading our texts. Throughout the first few weeks he had told me how it made him uncomfortable when I hung out with Q without him around, yet he also didn't really want to try to be friends with him. He seemed concerned about appearances, even asked what the neighbors would think if they saw him leave for work and then saw another guy arrive at our house once or twice a week. I tried to soothe his fears, I explained the relationship was platonic but that we had become closer than I had planned because we are so much alike.
One confusing factor I should mention is that I'm bisexual, and my boyfriend knows this. We have even seriously discussed polyamory with another woman, and he is more than open to it. I'm more physically attracted to women anyway, and would never suggest adding another male to our relationship, as I respect that my boyfriend is totally straight.
But still he considers it abnormal for me to hang out with a male alone, though he would have none of this initial discomfort if Q was a biological female.

In any case, things came to a head when my boyfriend read my texts and saw that I told Q I was attracted to him. I woke one night to a sound from the bathroom as though something had been dropped. It was my phone. My boyfriend came into the room and said something along the lines of "I really tried to trust you, and you do this." I was half asleep, and woke in a panic so I can't remember exactly what was said. He threw my phone again (screen was busted but it still worked) and then started packing his clothes. I sat in bed in shock, with tears running down my face, as he banged around the house packing, occasionally saying things like these 7 years have been a waste of time, he can't believe I'd do this to him, etc. He left, saying he was going back to his home state. Hours later he called me and asked if there was anything I wanted to say, anything I could offer to fix this. I asked what he wanted, and he said not to have Q come around anymore. I interpreted this as a demand that I cut Q out of my life completely. I gathered my courage and refused. This person is important to me, and I haven't had a real friend besides my boyfriend for years. I wasn't willing to give him up, and even if I agreed to, I imagined I would resent my boyfriend for it forever so our relationship would be irreparably damaged anyway. He seemed very shocked that I didn't give in at this point. We hung up and I thought I'd never see him again.

Hours later he came home, saying he was going to stay until his next paycheck came in, because he didn't have enough cash to make it home. I decided to take the opportunity to give it one more try. I asked him to clarify what he wanted me to do about Q. He said he just didn't want him around our house, and would feel much better if we only hung out in group settings. Both Q and I don't really like group settings, but I thought we could compromise. I agreed to limit my contact with Q, and indeed I haven't seen him outside of work since. My boyfriend and I talked for hours, we decided to try and work it out, we had make-up sex.

I should also point out that at some point I gave him permission to read my texts. Logically I suppose it must have been before this happened. I was trying everything I could to show him there was nothing to worry about. So he wasn't snooping without my knowledge.

Only a week later, I messed up again and told Q that I felt jealous when he told me about a guy he was attracted to. Boyfriend read this and threw my phone again, this time breaking it completely, and also punched a hole in a cabinet. I can't even clearly remember how we resolved that one, but we decided to still give counseling a try. We agreed to try to push pause on everything for a week or until our appointment. To just be loving to each other and try to remember why we're together. Both of us needed the stress relief.

But just now, as I was in the middle of writing this, the tables have turned again. He was about to leave for work and I told him I was going to call counselors and make an appointment today. He told me to tell him what the fee would be before making the appointment. I asked how much was too much, and he wouldn't give me a number, so I started to suspect that any fee would be too much. He hates therapists and has maintained, while agreeing to go, that he already knows what will be said and it's a waste of time and money. So I asked him flat out if he's going to go if I make the appointment. He asked what my goal was, and I said to try to understand each other better and hopefully find a compromise that doesn't involve me giving up the best friend I've had in my entire adulthood. He said that's not going to happen, and if I'm not willing to give up Q then there's no point in us even going to counseling. I tried to explain it in a way he could understand: he wants me to do something to save our relationship, out of respect for his feelings and a desire to right the wrong I did to him. I want the same: for him to do something for me (go to counseling) out of respect for my feelings and a desire to fix the relationship. But he just deflected, told me to think about what he said (that I betrayed him and the only way to fix it is to give up my friend) and left for work.

I guess at this point I'm just looking for validation, because apparently it's over. I thought worst case scenario a counselor could help me see why this is an appropriate or necessary sacrifice to make, best case scenario they could make my boyfriend change his mind and agree to a compromise. But he won't go. I'm still going to make an appointment, and tell them I'm not sure if it will just be me or if I can convince him to come too.

Am I really the one who ruined this relationship? I know I cheated emotionally. I know that was wrong. But is what I'm being asked to do to fix it reasonable?
This is the 4th phone of mine he's broken. I've told him time and again that it is not acceptable behavior, and it scares me. He always insists I'm making too big a deal of it because it's just an object, and he didn't throw it AT me, and has never physically hurt me. He won't admit the behavior is wrong, yet expects me to fully own up to what I did wrong, and says he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't betrayed him. He says it's his way of coping so he doesn't do something worse. I feel that this behavior alone warrants counseling, but he backed out on it again.

So I have this ultimatum: lose the person I planned to spend my life with, or lose the friend I knew would be there for me no matter what. Am I really a horrible person for thinking this is unfair? Should my only focus now be figuring out how to pay the bills alone? Or am I totally in the wrong, should I just give up my friend because I made a mistake?

[RubyRae]

Me personally,it doesn't sound like abuse.It sounds more like reacting from jealousy and insecurity,with good reasons though.

Only you know the whole story though,whether you are being abused or not and whether you should get out.

[SoScorpio]

I realized as I re-read my post that a lot more details are needed. I was upset and cut it short.

As I said, he has broken 4 of my phones now. Once he flipped a table when he was frustrated and looking for his keys. At first he tried to say it was an accident, which I didn't believe for a second because it's a long, squat, heavy coffee table that doesn't just go over with a slight shove. There were a lot of things on the table, including drinks which almost ruined my Nintendo 3DS. He never admitted he was out of line for that one either.
At one point during the current conflict, he told me that if we broke up I should be the one to move out, and that our roommate said "she thinks what you're doing is ****ed up too, and said she would rather stay with me." I asked her about it later and she admitted that she told him she would rather stay with him because he has the car, but that she didn't take a side on our argument or use the words "****ed up".
So one of them is lying.

He got irrationally jealous one time when I went to visit our roommate before she lived with us. She had just moved, and invited me over. She didn't tell me until I was on my way that she had a male roommate. No big deal, right? I told my boyfriend and he flipped out, saying it wasn't right for me to go to "some guy's" apartment. When clearly I was visiting my friend, and didn't even know there would be someone else there.

He belittles me when I try to talk about my mental health, and more than once has accused me of seeking an excuse for my laziness, trying to pass it off as mental illness.

He limits my access to other people, like my coworkers and even my mom. I would say that 90% of the time I or we get invited to something, he has an excuse not to go. He's too tired, he doesn't like those people, etc. He does not respect my mother at all, and though I agree with him on some of her flaws, he really doesn't make an effort to be liked by her. I had to talk him into Thanksgiving dinner at her house, when we had no other plans.

He breaks things and slams doors and drives aggressively when he's angry even though I've told him countless times that it gives me anxiety and isn't an appropriate response for a grown man. He always minimizes and says it's not like he's hitting me or screaming in my face. Just the other day when I stated my case again he accused me of being materialistic, said if I was this upset over a broken phone then my phone must matter to me more than him. I pushed down my anger and said that it's not about the phone, it's about the action and the intent. And his response was that the action shouldn't concern me because he didn't hurt me, and that he didn't intend to do it but was driven to it by my actions.

And it's always his way or no way. As he is illustrating again by refusing to go to counseling with me. His idea is to help me make new friends that he will approve of. My way is counseling, which he just keeps saying is a waste.

[RubyRae]

Instead of asking us whether you should get out maybe you should be asking yourself why you haven't already.

If you were in a good relationship with your boyfriend (which sounds to me that you are not) then yes, you should give up the friend. No one should become between two people who are in a committed relationship. Your relationship should come first.

[divine1966]

Your boyfriend has anger issues but frankly I don’t understand why instead of ending it with him, you carry on with another guy sending him texts about attraction (sorry that alone makes it NOT platonic) and having him over when your boyfriend is out. It would be much more appropriate to end current relationship, become single and have freedom to do what you want.

I am not having anger issues but if my husband had women over when I am at work AND was attracted to them and send them texts about it, I’d break something too. It’s hard to tell whose fault is that this relationship is so messy but it sounds like you are both toxic for each other. The best is to part ways before it gets worse and potentially violent.

[CelestialFlame]

I believe his reaction is fair considering you've expressed multiple times that you have more than friendly feelings towards this other male even though you're in a relationship with someone else. Although he does sound like he needs to attend anger management classes because breaking multiple phones is not a good way to vent anger, especially when its something extremely useful like that.

[Bill3]

He limits my access to other people, like my coworkers and even my mom. I would say that 90% of the time I or we get invited to something, he has an excuse not to go. He's too tired, he doesn't like those people, etc.

I am puzzled that you say he limits your access to other people when you seem to have had an enormous amount of freedom to see Q. Is he forbidding you from going to see your mom?

[hvert]

It doesn't really matter, in the end, who is at fault. The end result is the same either way if both people think the other should change and neither person wants to change. You both seem to be very unhappy being in a relationship together and you don't agree on what steps you should take to move forward. It sounds like there's no room for compromise?

Giving up your friend won't solve the other issues you describe.

[Middlemarcher]

It is not ok for him to break your phones, throw things, etc. I would not stay with someone who did that.

It is also not ok for you to have an emotional affair (Google it and do some reading) and to refuse to end it (the only respectful thing to do is to cut off contact with Q). While I wouldn’t stay with a person who demanded that I cut off contact with someone who is only a friend, and where there are appropriate boundaries on both sides, he is in the right to insist that you cut off contact with Q. That emotional energy that you are putting into Q should be going into your relationship; if you don’t want to do that, you should face up to that fact and break it off with your boyfriend.

Edit to add: Any couples therapist you go to will tell you that you need to cut off contact with Q, so I would be prepared for this if you decide to do counseling with your partner.