Mother's health issues plus difficult relationship

I am sure someone else has gone through this and maybe can offer some support.

My mother and I have always have had a complicated relationship. She has a lot of NPD tendencies and I also think in some ways she is jealous of me. She also hates that I won’t go along and act like everything is great and she was a wonderful mother.

She always preferred my sister and my brother, whereas I’m always the bad guy. I think they and my father are in a way intimidated by her, which enables her behavior. I am the only one that has ever tried to call her out on her actions, which she of course denies.

I moved far away a while ago and keep only limited contact. Giving her too much information about my life only opened me up for criticism.

Anyways, my dad on Friday told me that she’s been having short-term memory issues for about a year and they are getting worse. They are trying her on medication but there are no guarantees. On top of that, they are waiting for some tests, but it looks like she probably has cancer.

I am not dealing well, not because I am sad, but because I’m not. I feel numb about it and then guilty because I’m not sad about it. I do feel somewhat badly for my dad, he leans on her for organizing all day to day things, so I think it is going to be tough for him. However at the same time, although he was always more supportive of me, to counteract her behavior, he never called her out on her treatment of me either. Some people have told me I should still support her because she’s my mother. A friend that went through something similar with her father said that I should do what I feel I can handle.

I pretty much snapped on Friday night. Ever since our beloved dog passed away, it seems like life has been one stress or problem after another and I guess I just couldn’t take any more. I am a bit calmer by now, but I am giving some thought to therapy. Unfortunately, I know from when my husband was not doing well that there are waits of months to get seen unless you go to a clinic with a psychiatric ER, and I don’t know if I am that bad to go there.

I commend you for getting on with your adult life by maintaining enough distance from your mother. Even if the relationship wasn't great, nearly everyone has feelings for their mother--as you have said, your feelings are complicated. When you are feeling better (it takes time to grieve for our dogs) I recommend you plan a short visit to see your family and keep in touch by phone about her status. However, don't feel bad about the way you feel. If she has cancer, with today's treatments, she may be around for a long time. You may not need to visit for a while because of this. I do recommend therapy. When your mother has NPD, it may have effected your present life in some way plus it sounds like you need someone to talk to.

Hi, thanks for your reply. I wrote to my mom and said she was sorry to hear the news and that if they wanted to connect by Skype let me know. We'll see if she's mellowed or if I get the usual Skype scowls like I have the last times we've talked, which led me to not suggest it any more Skyping.

So, kind of going through the motions, but still not feeling sad.

I have been to therapy about her in the past. It did help to some extent, at least to help me accept that she's not likely to change, and with controlling my reactions, etc.

My dad just told me she is scheduled for surgery next week and then radiation.

You can't force yourself to feel sad. That's just the way you feel and you have some pretty legitimate reasons to feel this way. Try to support her (and your dad), but don't feel too shocked about your feelings.

Please don't feel bad about not feeling sad. Perhaps what you are experiencing is numbness as far as your emotions go. Sometimes our emotions don't make sense or something in the present has triggered a past emotion and we don't even realize where it came from. What counts is what you do. You have checked in about your mother. I think it was the right thing to do.

I hope your mother has good surgeon and doctors who will make her treatment go well.

Her situation will or may already be effecting you more than you realize. All we can do is acknowledge how we feel whether it makes sense or not and get on with our lives. Don't feel bad about getting on with and enjoying your life!
Life moves pretty fast and before you know it, you will be your mother's age. Hugs to you!

Yeah, I am definitely numb. I will not deny that a lot of times I have wished she wasn't my mother and that is coming back to me.

Don't scare me more with that last sentence! Memory loss in old age is a huge fear of mine and this happening makes me think of that too. I guess I can hope since I take after my dad's family in many ways, and they seem to age better, maybe I will take after them there too. Also, I use three languages daily, which is supposed to benefit brain function as you age.

Rechu, this reminds me exactly of the situation I went through with my abusive brother two years ago. Two years ago he was in a motorcycle crash and nearly lost his leg. He was housebound, wheelchair bound, etc. for months while he had about 20 surgeries to repair his leg.

I got all these updates from my mother about it, and she was highly distressed, but I didn't feel a thing or care at all about it. He had abused me violently growing up, and I had no relationship with him. I honestly felt like the trauma he was going through was payment for all he had done to me. He's one of the reasons I have PTSD.

Then there's my uncle who just lost his foot due to diabetes and other medical problems. I also have little sympathy for him because of his abuse towards me throughout my life. He has spread rumors about me, guilts me constantly about not calling to speak to him (except talking to him is so unpleasant, why would I call him), and I also don't speak to him because he spreads rumors about me to other family members, and I don't appreciate that. I have compassion for his situation, but it hasn't made me feel any more desire to call him or speak to him.

You reap what you sow. They sowed poor relationships with me and now expect some kind of relationship because they're ill? I have compassion for them; but I also am not going to break down on my boundaries and let them abuse me just because they had a medical problem.

So, I guess I'm saying, you feel what you feel. It's not right or wrong. Don't guilt yourself over it.

Seesaw

How you feel is not a matter of choice. How you act is. You can choose a level of involvement that does not get too uncomfortable for you. You have the option of writing off your parents and having nothing to do with them. I'm not hearing that you are inclined to go that far. Ask yourself what your folks would likely do, if you had been the one diagnosed with cancer.

Relations with family are complicated indeed. You have no obligation to put yourself in a position of your mom using you for target practice. rThe past is passed. Maybe offer the level of support you would show to an aunt.

My mother had NPD. She was highly critical. Your feelings sound very much like mine were when she was diagnosed with cancer.

The way you've described things here & in the past, it doesn't really surprise me that you're just numb. I just hope you're able to be good to yourself & to your husband. That's the family that matters most...if that makes any sense & doesn't sound rude. I'm sorry to hear about your dog, too. Working from home, I'm sure your dog was a very close companion. Take care.

Thanks all for your support and stories, it definitely helps.

Emgreen - Yeah, our dog was more or less attached to the hip with me all day, always watching what I was doing, so the house feels so empty. We have another dog, but she kind of lives in her own world, doesn't interact with us as much. Yesterday would have been his 13th birthday, so that was kind of tough.

For some reason this memory of a situation with my mother keeps repeating in my mind. It happened when I told her that my ex and I broke up. She completely treated me like a child that couldn't take care of herself.

First of all, she assumed that I was completely destroyed but the whole situation when really the writing had been on the wall for a while, so I was over it pretty quickly. I only told her about a month later when I was okay with it all so I could handle it better.

Then, she had the idea that all our mutual friends must have sided with him and I was pretty much abandoned and alone. Again, not true at all, I had plenty of support.

Also, she assumed that he made more money than me and I must not be able to pay the bills on my own. I actually made more money than him and was fine financially. The ex wasn’t even contributing to the expenses much since his parents were going through a divorce and he was helping out his mother with money.

She started on this whole spiel about how I needed to consider moving back to my home country to stay with them “while I got back on my feet”. Apparently she thought I was only living here because of him and my life revolved around him, when in reality I have a whole life here, friends, pets, my career.

They live in a touristy area with mostly just minimum wage jobs in tourist businesses, so there were no opportunities there. This was when the world economy was a mess, so it wouldn’t be easy to find a job in another area while living with them with so many people looking for work. I doubt in that climate many companies would pay for me to travel to an interview, for example.

I guess to me this was the perfect example of how she always tended to assume the worst about me and treat me accordingly. Also, and this relates to her NPD, I think in this specific situation she thought she could sweep in and help me “get my life back together” and be the hero of the situation, a story which she would later tell to everyone who would listen.

Well, they've gone silent. I have emailed both my parents and nothing, even though they have been active on FB posting non-important stuff. It makes me feel like why should I bother. I'm not writing again unless they contact me.

Wow, I'm sorry they are like that. It really does make you wonder why you should bother or why you should feel guilty about not feeling sad enough.

Since then, I got have received only generic email from my dad, sent to various family members, saying the surgery went fine and that she would have a consult with her surgeon on the 19th. There's been no communication about how it went. She never answered my email, and my dad never answered my email to him either.

Now that I think of it, I guess I didn't realize it so much, she had pretty much delegated "dealing" with me to my dad for at least the last year and a half. Other other emails I sent her in the past were never answered either, same with Facebook messages. Any gifts were only acknowledged by my father, not her.

In a way, realizing that makes me feel better about my reaction. It's not like she wants any realationship with me anyways.

I wonder if that initial reaction where I felt like I snapped when I got the email saying she's not well was more because I could sort of just pretend like she doesn't exist a lot of the time. But this whole situation put me back on her radar.

Another generic mail. I guess the first surgery didn't get everything, she has to go back in for a second surgery. I am just in no condition to be dealing with this right now, but I guess I should write back with a generic, "thanks for letting me know, we'll bet thinking of her, blah, blah."

Well, she has ignored me all these months, just having my dad "deal with" me.

Last night I got an email from him saying that she had a stroke. It doesn't sound like it was so serious, but she has movement issues on one side and will need rehabilitation. The numb feeling is back and I haven't responded yet. Still trying to process.

A piece of me feels like I should try ot plan a trip at some point in the not so far future. However, the timing could not be worse.

We are in the process of buying a house. We should sign the deed within the next week. It's new construction, so it doesn't need extensive renovations, but we will need to handle getting some work done before we can move. The laundry room isn't completely finished, the yard needs grass and tiling, lighting fixtures and curtains/rods need to be installed, etc. Then there is the move itself. All that is going to take a lot of time, energy and money. We had basically resigned ourself for not taking any trips in the near future.

And then there is the part of me that wonders if she would even care or want me to come.

I'm just rambling a bit, thanks for listening. I guess I should at least give a generic response.

How would going or not going affect your relationship with your father and siblings?

My NPD father passed away this year and it was so much harder than I expected. I made the best choices I could at the time but still have a lot of doubts. I'm sorry you are going through this, especially when you are moving into a new home!

Hi Rechu,

I sympathize with you. I am going through strange feelings also after my mother-in-law died. I lived with her for a few years, and she was highly critical of me. I could not talk to her in private because she would twist my words or try to read my thoughts through my words. Instead of numbness, I feel anger. The living room is full of pictures that remind me of her. I sought some therapy, because it is hard for me to "be there" for my husband and my brother-in-law, who also live with us. My brother-in-law is the one who is unwilling to take down the pictures, so I get upset with him every day. I know there is nothing I can do about it except to get therapy.


I applaud you for setting up boundaries. Distancing yourself from your mom makes sense. However, if you just decide not to follow up on her at all, you might feel guilty later. I am sorry to hear about your dog and your mom. That is a lot to deal with at one time. Therapy would help you deal with grief. You are feeling grief now, and not everyone experiences grief the same way at the same time.

Sending many hugs to you, rechu. Remember that you're very strong

I can relate to the difficulties with your mom. Mine is narcissistic, judgmental and not interested in anyone but herself.

I'm glad that you seem to be well established in your own life. You're not dependent on your parents. Having that emancipation is huge. You can be your own person. It sounds like you are.

Your obligation, IMHO, is to be courteous. You are under absolutely no obligation to like your mother . . . or your father. That's not even something you can control. Religious leaders tell us that's why there is no commandment that we "like each other."

There are two kinds of love. One is the warm, wonderful feeling we have towards those whom we find delight in being around. We can't control when and with whom we feel that. Another kind of love has nothing to do with feelings. It is a decision to be concerned with another person's welfare. It is a commitment to be available to lend a certain level of support. That does not require that we tolerate being in someone's presence while they mistreat us. It may require us to put up with some occasional discomfort, within reason.

I don't think Skype encounters with your mother will give either one of you much benefit. I also don't think you have to provide a steady stream of emails to someone who never responds. Your mom, also, has some say over how much interaction she wants to participate in. So you send the occasional email . . . maybe a handwritten note now and then.

My father was narcissistic and difficult to deal with. When he was flagrantly insulting toward me, I was inclined to pull back and allow there to be more distance between us. Then I would leave it up to him to reach out. He was incapable of apologizing. (Though he did 2 or 3 times, to my amazement.) But when he became regretful of the distance that had developed, he would call me and invite me to some especially good dinner that he or my mom was cooking. I would accept. That was as close as he could get to taking responsibility for a rift having opened up and doing something about it.

I don't think you would be wrong to hold off going for a visit, until you get some kind of encouragement and indication that your presence is wanted. That's what I used to do. It might never come.

Here's what I don't think helps anything. I don't think you go on a mission of "holding people accountable." I don't think you berate your dad for not sticking up for you. You don't call or visit with the goal of getting stuff off your chest. That's futile . . . I believe. You focus on what behavior is acceptable, or tolerable, to you today. Withdraw from engaging with them when they don't behave themselves within reason. That allows you some control over what you'll subject yourself to.

Good luck. It'll never be easy or richly gratifying. You'll find your fulfilling relationships elsewhere in your life. Anyway, that's my take on your situation.

Thanks all for your kind words and thoughts. Rose, in particular, you have some good points.

My dad did mention that tomorrow some old friends will be visiting. They were kind of an aunt and uncle to me when growing up. He suggested skyping when they are there. I think that's a better idea, more of a buffer and my mom will have to at least try to act more normally. If my mom does decide to be a pain, I can talk with them. If the scowling starts I will end the call.


After that, though, I'll probably stick with an occasional e-mail unless they specifically say they want to skype (they probably won't). I was always the one to suggest it in the past.

At least we finalized the house transaction and are transferring the down payment. Then comes the new stress of moving.

Sorry you are going through all this, rechu. Everyone else has really made some good points, so I don't have much to add.

I would say, if you think you might regret it later, after your mom passes away, you might want to pay a short visit (at SOME point before she passes away). More just for your own peace than theirs... but not visiting seems perfectly reasonable to me also. If and when you do visit, can you stay in a hotel and just see your parents for short periods of time?

Well I ended up skyping with them after I had signed off on the house sale. I couldn’t deal with the stress of that and her at the same time. I agreed in large part because I thought their friends would be a buffer, but they cancelled their visit at the last minute. I had already agreed by that point. What a mistake. She had the scowl I was anticipating and barely said a word. It was pretty much my dad speaking.

My husband said maybe the body language and scowling were something from the stroke, but I don't think so. I stopped suggesting skyping several years ago because she had that exact same facial expression and body language the last 3 times we did, and supposedly the stroke mainly affected her leg.

The only things she said were that I was not rid of her yet, a sneering comment about what I was doing work-wise these days anyways, (and then not understanding why someone would pay me to do that type of work). Soon after she told my dad to hang up because she didn't want to speak to me anymore.

My husband also has a tough relationship with his mother, worse in many ways. He called her on the second because it was her birthday. I sort of thought if he could do it, I will give it one more try. It actually went better for him than for me!

I feel like I made my last effort in light of her health issues and in the spirit of the holidays. I don’t see any reason to put myself through that again. She sure gave the impression that she wants nothing to do with me. I at least made an effort to engage her. Yet again she didn’t. I’m done with anything more than an occasional e-mail or card. As far as a visit, ugh, if skype is that bad, I can’t imagine a visit.

Someone suggested maybe staying at a hotel and seeing her a bit. However, flights to where they live from here are very expensive since it is a small regional airport with little competition. Then, they are about three hours from the airport so we’d have to rent a car. A hotel on top of that would make it even more expensive.

Concentrate on the life you have with your husband . . . and on whoever else brings joy into your life.

You are under no moral obligation to do all that traveling to spend time visiting someone who acts that cold toward you. No more skyping. Let her make the next move. If someone makes you feel rebuffed, then just leave them alone. That's what life has taught me to do.