i'm palerefraction and im a chronic relationship hopper

palerefraction · Jan 28, 2018, 09:49 AM

i'm palerefraction and i'm a chronic relationship hopper

what i mean by "relationship hopper" is i jump from one relationship to another, often without a decent break between them. this is an issue obviously because i never have time to reflect on past relationships or my own actions.

i have been doing this since i was 15 or so, i'm now 22.

i have no idea how to be alone. i have no idea who i am without another person in the picture. i am currently incapable of forming healthy relationships- i become too attached unreasonably quickly, becoming dependent.

how can i stop this cycle?

MickeyCheeky · Jan 28, 2018, 10:03 AM

Do you already go to therapy?

RanchoRat · Jan 28, 2018, 10:32 AM

I too jump from relationship to the next. Been going on 13 years now since I was around 15 as well. It definetly gets in the way of reflection and becomes the norm which cannot be healthy. I try to ignore the problems it brings but has caused me to become detatched from actually engaging in a relationship and caring properly for others.

Skeezyks · Jan 28, 2018, 04:02 PM

Here's a link to an article from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of jumping from one relationship to another. Hope it is of some benefit:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...relationships/

~Christina · Jan 28, 2018, 04:54 PM

The movie “ Eat Pray Love“ might” give you some insight and an idea how to learn more about your self.. just a thought.

palerefraction · Jan 29, 2018, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Do you already go to therapy?

Unfortunately transportation is an issue for me right now BUT once I get a car and license sorted it is high on my to do list!

palerefraction · Jan 29, 2018, 04:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

The movie “ Eat Pray Love“ might” give you some insight and an idea how to learn more about your self.. just a thought.

I will be sure to check this out, thanks for the suggestion!

hvert · Jan 30, 2018, 08:56 AM

I did that for many years and also made really bad choices in partner selection. After a particularly bad year, I declared a one year moratorium on any dating. I spent some time reflecting on my past behavior and the types of situations I was drawn to even though they were unhealthy so I could figure out how to avoid them. It worked out really well for me. I met my current partner at the end of that period ten years ago

TishaBuv · Jan 30, 2018, 10:01 AM

You are still very young. Don’t condemn yourself just yet.

I went from bf to bf with no breaks, sometimes overlapping!, and I didn’t see a darn thing wrong with it! Then I married at 26 and have been (unhappily) married for 25 years.

palerefraction · Jan 31, 2018, 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hvert

I did that for many years and also made really bad choices in partner selection. After a particularly bad year, I declared a one year moratorium on any dating. I spent some time reflecting on my past behavior and the types of situations I was drawn to even though they were unhealthy so I could figure out how to avoid them. It worked out really well for me. I met my current partner at the end of that period ten years ago

That is the point I am at! I want to reflect on myself and my past but I am not really sure where to even start.

palerefraction · Jan 31, 2018, 06:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You are still very young. Don’t condemn yourself just yet.

I went from bf to bf with no breaks, sometimes overlapping!, and I didn’t see a darn thing wrong with it! Then I married at 26 and have been (unhappily) married for 25 years.

I am young but I think I am recognizing the trend. It took maybe having someone else "lined up" to get me to even consider leaving my abusive boyfriend. It was the same before him as well. They are long term relationships and I think the time to reflect and "mourn" I guess would have been appropriate.

I am stunting myself and my growth personally and as a partner by not looking at my actions and who I want to be with and what I want in a relationship. I am trying to avoid the "unhappily" and married/together/dating in the same sentence.

TishaBuv · Jan 31, 2018, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by palerefraction

I am young but I think I am recognizing the trend. It took maybe having someone else "lined up" to get me to even consider leaving my abusive boyfriend. It was the same before him as well. They are long term relationships and I think the time to reflect and "mourn" I guess would have been appropriate.

I am stunting myself and my growth personally and as a partner by not looking at my actions and who I want to be with and what I want in a relationship. I am trying to avoid the "unhappily" and married/together/dating in the same sentence.

Excellent point.

I, too, sometimes didn’t end it until I had another lined up.

My relationships were all different. I don’t see any pattern of behavior that caused me grief in my relationships. I really enjoyed being with those boys/men and it was not toxic. The break ups were simply because I didn’t want to commit to them or they didn’t to me. Or maybe we met someone else we liked better. I was done dating by 26.

I suffered in my marriage because my h neglected me and my sexual and sensual needs. I cried an ocean of tears! I never thought this would have ever happened!

As years went on and I ran to every therapist I could for help, yet none helped because it takes two to change and neither he nor I could or would, psychiatric diagnoses began to get discussed. It was actually me who learned about BPD because my niece got diagnosed. And the dr agreed I have traits.

Now if I knew that at 26, I might have made a very different path. I might have convinced myself I’d make a terrible wife and mother and not have ever married.

But I’ve been a good wife, considering I f’n resent him due to the misery he causes me. But I’ve been a great mom and I LOVE our kids.

TishaBuv · Jan 31, 2018, 08:14 AM

Plus, for a fellow hopper I committed and stayed in a marriage for 25 years even with a man who causes me to cry an ocean!

TishaBuv · Jan 31, 2018, 08:21 AM

TBH though, I did try to leave and get divorced. I did try to hop to another man. Had the man been a better person to go to, I’d have probably gone.

Why this BS of feeling I needed a man to go with? I admit that’s not being a modern politically correct woman. I’m terrified of doing it alone. I’ve never been alone.

My sister left her h for another man who helped her get out with 3 young kids. They are also married unhappily ever after.

Ugh. Is there any right solution?

mugwort2 · Jan 31, 2018, 08:03 PM

Palerefraction You wrote transporation currently is an issue. That you plan to get a car. Is there a problem for you taking public transportation? Are there emotional issues involved like claustaphobia or a different psychological problem? PT isn't pretty much unavailable where you live? How easy is to find a parking space if you drive?

hvert · Feb 01, 2018, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by palerefraction

That is the point I am at! I want to reflect on myself and my past but I am not really sure where to even start.

It's not hard to start! Just take a vow of celibacy/non-dating for a year or six months or whatever. Or stop saying yes to dates and asking people out. It was easier than quitting smoking or losing weight, lol. You can always quit if you don't like it

TishaBuv · Feb 01, 2018, 08:16 AM

Hey Palerefraction, Check out the other Thread “Dating two men ...”

palerefraction · Feb 04, 2018, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mugwort2

Palerefraction You wrote transporation currently is an issue. That you plan to get a car. Is there a problem for you taking public transportation? Are there emotional issues involved like claustaphobia or a different psychological problem? PT isn't pretty much unavailable where you live? How easy is to find a parking space if you drive?

I'm in Florida and the public transportation is awful. The mental health support systems out here do not look very good either. I filled out a request with Mental Health Association of Central Florida to try and get some resources and transportation.

Nothing stopping me from taking public transportation other than it is not really what I need at this time.

I am however looking into online therapy and seeing whether it is effective both mentally and financially.

palerefraction · Feb 04, 2018, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

TBH though, I did try to leave and get divorced. I did try to hop to another man. Had the man been a better person to go to, I’d have probably gone.

Why this BS of feeling I needed a man to go with? I admit that’s not being a modern politically correct woman. I’m terrified of doing it alone. I’ve never been alone.

My sister left her h for another man who helped her get out with 3 young kids. They are also married unhappily ever after.

Ugh. Is there any right solution?

That was my problem. I knew my relationship was bad and unhealthy, but I stayed. Why?

Because I was afraid of giving up, because I was afraid of being alone. Because I didn't want to face my own shortcomings in our relationship.

What finally did get me out was when a friend was telling me her own story of abuse with her husband and I felt so terrible for her, that she did not deserve that. And I had this aha moment that it was not okay for me either.

palerefraction · Feb 04, 2018, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hvert

It's not hard to start! Just take a vow of celibacy/non-dating for a year or six months or whatever. Or stop saying yes to dates and asking people out. It was easier than quitting smoking or losing weight, lol. You can always quit if you don't like it

It is not the "not dating" that gets me stuck. I don't know how to make meaningful reflections on my actions. It is more looking back and saying, "yep, that's a thing that happened"