[Artchic528]

I'm currently in a LDR with my boyfriend and am wondering what is and what isn't healthy in a relationship. The reason I'm asking is because I want our relationship to be the kind that lasts for a long time, perhaps with a marriage, hence the need to understand what healthy relationships are/what they look like.

I can't exactly compare us to my parents, because they are currently separated, and possibly going down the path of divorce. A lot of my dad's siblings have had that same problem. I think, 3 out of the 5 of them have at least gotten divorced once. Maybe it's strong personalities, as my Dad says, but there is definitely something in that end of the gene pool that makes relationships difficult.

Anyways, back to my original question. What makes a relationship healthy?

[~Christina]

Respect, actually listening and hearing what your partner is saying and not saying.

Learn how to argue/fight fair.

Enjoy many things together but have each the ability to have there own hobbies.

Most of all love respect and kindness for each other.

Relationship take work all through the good bad and ugh parts.

[LadyShadow]

Patience, patience, patience.

Most of all, be comfortable in the relationship. That may seem like a very simple statement, but all my life I have settled/compromised/accepted things that I wasn't too happy with for the sake of being with someone. Compromise IS key, but not at the cost of your own happiness.

Christina's views were definitely on point too.

[divine1966]

Be best friends not just romantic lovers
Be a team, work together towards common goals
Have a balance between time together and healthy amount of time apart (seeing your own friends etc)
Share compatible moral values and compatible life style overall
Have common views on money and finances (lack of it often ruin the best relationship)
Both are comfortable with each other and don’t hide their shortcomings and issues from each other
Both committed to relationship equally (willing to work on it)
Enjoy each other company
Be aware of each other’s relationship needs and try to meet them or be willing to compromise if it’s not possible
Be a couple yet maintain your own identity

Artchic, I wrote an article on my blog about unhealthy vs. healthy relationships which may help you:

https://happinessblog.net/unhealthy-relationships/

Here's another article, 51 signs of an unhealthy relationship:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...y-relationship

Hugs.

[TishaBuv]

I’ll add— boundaries

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Artchic, I wrote an article on my blog about unhealthy vs. healthy relationships which may help you:

https://happinessblog.net/unhealthy-relationships/

Here's another article, 51 signs of an unhealthy relationship:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...y-relationship

Hugs.

Good ideas.

I’d add the one on signs of healthy relationship. Sometimes people know how bad relationship look like but not what to expect of a good one if they have never been in one:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-relationships

[divine1966]

Art, in your particular case step one is to meet the guy. The sooner the better. Be careful aboit planning your future with him before you meet face to face

[Open Eyes]

I think it's important to make sure each of you have been able to be independent first. Unfortunately, what too many do is go right from living with parents to living with someone that "seems" like someone they can get along with and often that can backfire in that once a person is away from parents and begin to get more independent they can realize the person they are now with isn't the right person at all for them.

[eskielover]

Respect is the foundation for love to grow out of. Respect usually comes from having similar values & beliefs. I have seen where those differences have torn relationships apart when it seemed not to matter in the beginning with a live conquers all attitude.....WRONG when life together REALLY starts to happen.

A REAL emoeional connection not just on the surface & the abiluty to communicate with each other, hearing & understanding whete each other is coming from, not where YOU THINK they are coming from.

Transparency is key. Knowing each other like you know yourself & being willing to shiw yiyr real selves ti each other nit jyst wgat yiu want the ither oersin to see or know.

Understanding, compassion, caring, valudating each others feelings but willingly be able to discuss them withoyt the goal of changing the other person.

I could probably write a book on all I learned about what a good relationshipvshould be like from the bad one I lived in for 33 years & am still dealung with trying to get the divorce resolved.

If there are red flags, I suggest walking away before making the relationship permanent but that was based on my experience. I stated all my boundaries before the wedding after realuzing there were attitudes in him that I didn't like. I was hoping he would decide to back out but if he agreed to my boundaries then it might work. Well he agreed with everything I demanded. When I finally left him I questioned him about his agreeing before the wedding. He told me that he didn't believe I meant what I said & would change my mind after we got married. I never changed my mind on my boundaries because they were based on my expectation of what I wanted in my marriage relationship. So even when you try to nail it, sometimes the ither persin is so dysfunctional they don't respond normally. If I had just held onto the red flags & said no I really din't like your attitudes I would have called off tbe wedding.

Also make sure you spend time together to know that their actions & words are the same. If there is a contradiction somewhere there is a lie going on that needs to come iut & either be resolved itherwise grounds to end the relationship as it only gets worse with time & the mire obvious things like this become with time.

Yes, common interests & yiyr iwn interests..just make sure your own ibterests don't turn into a way of avoiding priblems in tbe relationship.

This is just the surface level of what I have learned & what will become important IF Ibever encounter someone who might be a possible relationship.

[Patagonia]

Artchic
Like stated above I think you will find answers to a lot of your own questions IF you guys actually meet in real life.
Will this be happening any time soon?

[MrMoose]

Being best friends. Knowing that you want to make your partner’s life “like magic” and knowing your partner wants to make your life “like magic.” Or, not being perfect, but being perfct for each other. Knowing that your partner and you are absolutely on the same wavelength about what makes life wonderful.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by MrMoose

Being best friends. Knowing that you want to make your partner’s life “like magic” and knowing your partner wants to make your life “like magic.” Or, not being perfect, but being perfct for each other. Knowing that your partner and you are absolutely on the same wavelength about what makes life wonderful.

Problem with this is that each one can have their own individual feelings about what "magic"is & there can be things about a person outside of the "magic" concept that can end up destroying the relationship. Besides the concept if magic changes over time & maturity & no 2 people mature at the same rate.

Best to base it on facts about the person & let feelings follow instead of the other way around....& also know what feelings are actually based on & WHY.

I am going to say communication. I refer to honest real life communication as an LDR or internet based relationship is entirely different. In these you don't see the body language or non verbal communication which are the cues you need as part of what I would call the real thing. LDR and internet based communications can too easily be manipulated. You need to be able to communicate face to face. This is critical. In my opinion until this takes place you shouldn't be making any kind of commitment.

[Curry]

I have just been asking myself the question of what constitutes a healthy relationship. I keep examining how we communicate and act, how my fiancé acts and how I feel. I have to admit to a lot of fear and insecurity being behind my logical deductions. So far the most success is for me to say what I want and what I don't want. This has been a journey for me, one that I am in control over. I think going forward, I will go to a counselor and get some more skills on how to be in charge of where I want to go.

[Erebos]

This is simple and complicated at the same time.
A healthy relationship is where both parties needs are being met.
However, people change, grow, mature, needs change, wants change, and these things are not always compatible with the person you have chosen to be with.

I don't believe humans are designed to be with the same person for all time, there are just too many variables.

This doesn't mean unhappiness and grief must ensue, it is possible to accept a relationship has run it's course, grieve it's loss and move on.

[Open Eyes]

I think there are so many "unknowns" when it comes to some kind of LDR that takes place online.

When it comes to actually having a relationship, it's important to be realistic about how "if" it can become something where both individuals can actually be able to live together as a couple. That includes "if" each individual is capable of earning enough so they can cover all the expenses of having a place to actually live. When someone lives at home, there are a lot of things that they enjoy without having to actually cover the cost for and may not think about until they actually have to cover all these expenses on their own.

If a person decides to go right from living at home to living with someone else, they will have to face the fact where SOMEONE has to be responsible for the cost of rent, food, electricity, heat and also the cost of transportation to and from where ever they work so they can pay all these living expenses. Also who will do the shopping, and who will cook the meals and who will clean up the home and clean the bathroom and who will do all the laundry and often if you rent who will make the trip to the laundry mat and sit there while all the clothes are being washed and dried. All of these chores and responsibilities can turn into arguments and suddenly that person you thought you got along with on the long distance internet relationship can become one big nightmare. That's because when you are interacting online, you are not seeing how that person actually lives their life on so many different levels.

When you don't get to experience a person in person, what if he is a horrible kisser, has terrible breath, and bad body odor? And even if you finally meet in person and things seem ok, the guy is horrible in bed? Well, after all, all these things are important when it comes to considering anything "long term". When you meet a person online it's easy to think the other person will somehow have all the intimate qualities you like and want and dream about having, yet, in reality what if this individual doesn't meet up to what someone may imagine them having when interacting online. And that is even before taking the next step towards setting up "house" someplace together. And one of the biggest problems that ruins so many relationships is in fact, "money and not having enough to make ends meet".

Sometimes, what can happen is one does make the effort to do whatever it takes to fund this "playing house" together. Well, what tends to happen is that person begins to grow a lot as a person and one day will look at the partner that they have to do everything for and think, "this is BS" I am tired of living like this and doing all the work and here I come home and this partner lays in bed all day or is online and doesn't even cook or clean or even TRY to help.

Some women go from living at home to living with a partner and find themselves "trapped" and afraid to leave because they never learned how to be independent and can't imagine being able to live on their own and never took the time to learn so they can self support. What can happen is they can be subjected to all the frustrations and anger their partner vents at them as their partner stresses to cover all the expenses and stresses with their job environment. Suddenly one remembers how dad used to come home in such a foul mood and fill his home with that foul mood so EVERYONE gets to feel his BAD DAY.

Well, there is the "dream of" and then there is REALITY.

I see many people here mention that this is an online relationship. but I don't see where the OP stated that it is. That said, if it is an online relationship you are falling for a personality, not a whole person.
I fell for a guy online. We communicated for over 2 1/2 years. Long story short, we never met and one day he told me that I was relying on him for all of my emotional support, which was true. He never contacted me again and would not respond to any of my messages. That is when my lovely journey with Mental Health began. That was 14 years ago. Don't fall in love with a personality. Fall in love with the whole person.

[Open Eyes]

The OP has talked about this LDR before being someone she met online and has never been able to see "in person". If I remember correctly this individual lives in a different country too.

Thank you for that information, Open Eyes.

[~Christina]

How has the language barrier going ? He’s Hungarian and you speak English of course. You mentioned this was a huge issue in the past.

Have you both been working to learn each other’s language?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

How has the language barrier going ? He’s Hungarian and you speak English of course. You mentioned this was a huge issue in the past.

Have you both been working to learn each other’s language?

I believe she said he speaks good English. Most people there speak decent English.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

I see many people here mention that this is an online relationship. but I don't see where the OP stated that it is. That said, if it is an online relationship you are falling for a personality, not a whole person.
I fell for a guy online. We communicated for over 2 1/2 years. Long story short, we never met and one day he told me that I was relying on him for all of my emotional support, which was true. He never contacted me again and would not respond to any of my messages. That is when my lovely journey with Mental Health began. That was 14 years ago. Don't fall in love with a personality. Fall in love with the whole person.

She shared it many times before. They’ve never met and he lives in Hungary and she is in the US. Currently neither has money to go visit. Tough situation

Yes. It is a tough situation.

[scarlett35]

Definitely have your own hobbies. Make sure you have some space from each other and DEFINITELY don't abandon your friends and forget they exist.

I think this helps a person to not be clingy as they have a life outside of their partner

Plan fun things together. Try out each other's passions, my partner loves space. I've never been interested really but we went to the space centre and loved it. It's nice to share things like that with each other.

Just talk about things and communicate with each other. Don't sit and stew over stuff that bothers you but equally try and be compassionate and understanding. Also, if your partner is upset don't always blame yourself as often it's reasons outside of the relationship!

Hope that helps!