[NotDeadYet]

Before I say anything, I'm very Aromantic, and the thought of romance repulses/scares me but I think the dude I hung out with today thought it was a date... I was up front when her first asked to go somewhere that I only wanted to hang out and that I didn't like romance (also on a side note, is sweetness really used a pet name for someone? I never heard it used like that) He payed for the meal (even though I wanted to split it) and we watched anime at his place but I think he was alluding this as a date and now I feel super bad since he paid for the meal and was VERY not wanting of me to pay. I really want to pay him back for what he spent and its making me feel like ****. I cant stand this I don't know what to do about it. I work with him tomorrow, should I confront him about this? I also don't want to out myself as aromantic and I don't do well with confrontation but I will feel like an asshole if I don't do something :/

Edit: I should also note that he brought roses and a stuffed animal

Originally Posted by NotDeadYet

He payed for the meal (even though I wanted to split it) and we watched anime at his place but I think he was alluding this as a date and now I feel super bad since he paid for the meal and was VERY not wanting of me to pay. I really want to pay him back for what he spent and its making me feel like ****.

Edit: I should also note that he brought roses and a stuffed animal

Since you offered to pay your half, I don't think you should feel bad. It was just one meal. If you do not feel like you have chemistry with him then perhaps decline future invitations? However, he sounds really, really sweet!! So many people would have loved having a date like this. I apologize if you have already discussed--why would you find this type of romantic gesture repulsive? Do you find it immature or are you afraid to give someone a real try?

[NotDeadYet]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Since you offered to pay your half, I don't think you should feel bad. It was just one meal. If you do not feel like you have chemistry with him then perhaps decline future invitations? However, he sounds really, really sweet!! So many people would have loved having a date like this. I apologize if you have already discussed--why would you find this type of romantic gesture repulsive? Do you find it immature or are you afraid to give someone a real try?

It's pretty much just cause I'm aromantic, it feels weird and wrong whenever someone expresses romantic attraction towards me. It makes me feel gross whenever someone shows interest in me romantically I guess is what i'm saying and the thought of people looking at me romantically also feels off. I don't find it immature and just using someone as a "let me test to see if I truely feel romantic inclinations" feels wrong. He is sweet but we also don't share much of any connection as I view him as a work buddy

Perhaps decline future evening/after work invitations? If you want to be friends and have the same lunch hour pay him back by buying his lunch?

[NotDeadYet]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Perhaps decline future evening/after work invitations? If you want to be friends and have the same lunch hour pay him back by buying his lunch?

That might work, only problem is we both work night shift and we also both bring lunch for our selves and we can take lunch whenever we want (also my shift is shorter then his by half) but the declining of meets ups will work

[divine1966]

Well if you aren’t interested in a man, I think it sends mixed messages if you accept invitation to meet up on valentine day! It clearly was a date

On the other hand I am romantic but I wouldn’t date a guy who brings roses and stuffed animals to the first date. Way much

[NotDeadYet]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well if you aren’t interested in a man, I think it sends mixed messages if you accept invitation to meet up on valentine day! It clearly was a date

On the other hand I am romantic but I wouldn’t date a guy who brings roses and stuffed animals to the first date. Way much

Honestly I forgot it was valentines day and I already said I was free that day so I would have had no good excuse to turn it down (also I'm the type of person that would hang out with friends on valentines day)

I don't know anything about dating social norms but I also kinda agree it was much

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you need to straight up tell him it wasn't a date and that you're not interested in a relationship. Otherwise, it might become a mess.. so I suggest you to be honest from the beginning.

[Talthybius]

What exactly is the problem? That you feel bad you did something wrong to him? That you feel bad that you made a mistake? That he feels bad he didn't get a nice romantic date out of you?

You may feel better when you say you are sorry that you misread the situation. He may not feel better. And you may not feel better if this is more about you having made a mistake than you having did something wrong to him.

Obviously you didn't think 'hey free dinner(you say 'meal' and others interpret it as 'lunch') on Valentine's', so when members reply by saying 'be honest from the beginning', suggesting you weren't honest enough. It may not always be obvious if something is a romantic date or a platonic meeting up of two people.

Did you accept his roses and stuffed animal?

I would talk to him and say you are sorry that you didn't realize it was a date. The longer you wait, the more awkward it may become. Especially if he really likes you and you work together a lot.
And say you ought to have known and that it is your thing that you don't realize. Own up to it as your mistake, even if you thought it wasn't (It seems you do and you also worry about this as a big flaw of yourself, but I wouldn't worry about it that much. We are allowed to make mistakes.)
I mean, I assume you didn't want this to be a date? Right? You say you are a-romantic. But you never say you aren't interested in him (romantically or your a-romantic version of romance). You said you see him as a 'work buddy', but you never say you could never see him as a romantic interest.
The things you said about this basically come down to "I cannot understand why someone would like me." I vaguely remember some posts of you in the future, so I can understand that this is how you feel about yourself. In fact, I also have a hard time sometimes accepting, or rather being fully in harmony with how I can be a great sender and receiver of romantic tension.
I would suggest this is a thing you work on. From the sound of it, not with him. But overall this idea that you push people away because you have this belief you cannot do romance and you get grossed out by people liking you, is not healthy for you in the long run.

I wouldn't offer to pay back the money. If you stay friends, you can pay next time. But if he really likes you, it may not be a good idea to become friends and do this more often. I don't know what you should do with the stuffed animal and the roses. If you give them back it becomes a symbol of him of you rejecting him. I'd be so annoyed by the symbolism of it if I gave a girl I am really into something, and then she returns it to me, and then every time I see the stuffed animal, I see this as a symbol of rejection. But I can also not throw it away. I am thinking about what would be the most proper answer to give would he asked what you did with the stuffed animal. "I threw it away." "I have it and I can give it back." "I gave it to a friend."

Maybe donate it to some children's charity that hands out stuffed animals? Then his symbol of the romance between you, that isn't there, is being re-purposed to make others happy. This assumes he is really into you of course. If he isn't, this isn't that big of a deal.

I used to have lunch with a fellow student several times, including just the two of us. Then when I asked if she had time to have lunch, she wanted to go to a place. So I said 'ok' and at the end she insisted on paying. I wondered if she thought it was a date. I doubt it. For sure it wasn't clear. I thought maybe she wanted it to be a date or for it to lead to an actual clear date. She also didn't really talk about date topics but about academics. And I talked about politics. After that, we didn't have lunch together anymore. We still have some small talk when he meet and I tried to get some conversation going through WhatsApp. But she seems fine with letting this fizzle out, when I thought I wanted to slowly develop a friendship.

[hvert]

Don't worry about the meal, it's a sunk cost. I would leave that part alone and not worry about it. You don't owe someone romance because they paid for dinner and you don't have to pay someone back because you aren't interested in dating. You offered to pay, you did your part.

I wouldn't go into a lot of detail with him about being aromantic, just tell him you aren't interested in dating. Don't explain it or offer justification because it just gives him an opportunity to talk you out of it.

I'm not even sure if you have to say it today - maybe you could just wait to see if he asks again and then just decline? I would not accept any more social invites from him to avoid mixed messages.