Toxic or not? Confused

Hey everyone this is my first post so plz be gentle. I'm so confused, lonely and feeling very anxious amongst a million other emotions all at the same time. I'm here because I think I might have been in a toxic relationship. I'm not quite sure. I met what I thought was the man of my dreams through an online dating website 3 yrs ago.

We hit it off straight away so when we met on our first date 2 wks later i felt like we had known each other for a lot longer everything was extremely intense from the very start he spoke about how trust and loyalty were the most important things for him in a relationship they are for me too. I fell for him instantly and he felt the same. After about our 3rd or 4th date we were talking on the phone one night and I happened to mention the dating website we had met on, I can't remember the exact convo but it definitely wasn't anything negative, before I knew it he had hung up the phone on me and sent a txt saying " delete and block my nbr" I sat totally confused as to what i had done wrong I cried with frustration going over and over the convo again and again.

He called the nxt day apologising but acting as if nothing had happened. This should've been a reg flag I suppose. He did admit from the outset that he had previous had a cocaine habit but that was in his past and he said he no longer took it. I chose to believe him. After about maybe 2 or 3 months into the relationship he started complaining, in a kind of joking way, about me spending time on fb or other social media, he would comment on how it was our time together and our time was precious as we could only see each other twice a week due to family commitments.

So I found myself deleting all social media daft I know but I seen it as "awww he loves me and wants it to be just me and him" he said and did all the right things I was well and truly smitten. It wasn't long before he started withdrawing affection and going in moods when I spoke about things like work, I work with a lot of males, I laughed this off again thought aw he's so sweet he really loves me.

About 4mths in I witnessed him taking his first line of cocaine, yes I know the habit he had apparently left in his past, I just cried and cried all night he hugged me so tight and just kept apologising. Again another red flag I chose to ignore. Then came the comments he would drop into a convo, like talking about his ex in a " I miss her" kind of a way. Why did I not walk away in those early days but it always just made me want him more. I so wish I had walked away in those early days then I wouldn't be here 3yrs down the line breaking my heart and missing every single thing about him and us as a couple omg the pain is unbearable.

Fast forward 3 yrs and I'm such a lost soul. These 6wks or so have been absolute torture. Around about Xmas time he went on a bit of a cocaine bender I walked out and left him to it. We don't live together officially but we'd be as well to he had begged me to move in but the habit he has had to stop first it was becoming unbearable I don't know how many times I tried to end things and he promised me he'd get help but he could only do it with me by his side. I promised I'd be with him every step.of the way and I'd go through it all with him.

Anyway this bender he goes on forces me to walk away I ignore all txts and msgs until I get one on 2nd Jan saying " I've taken tablets" I'm thinking the worst obviously I'm at my work so I call his sister who is hysterical trying to phone an ambulance for him. He's rushed to hospital where it takes 6 policemen and 4 hospital staff to hold him down. He was extremely paranoid thinking the world was out to get him I think he was so scared it was a fight or flight reaction.

Turns out he had been on a bender for almost 2wks. I felt incredible guilt thinking it was all my fault because I ignored all txts and calls and his family blamed me too. He ended having to be put under anaesthetic because no normal sedation was calming him down he was in intensive care for 3 days and in hosp for a total.of 5. He was so pleased to see me when he came to he told everyone he wanted it to be just me and him when he got out of hosp he wanted time for us to talk and fix us then he was determined he was going to get professional help he even asked me to marry him I was so happy he was going to fix himself and I didn't care how long it took I'd walk beside him all the way.

He was home for about 3 days when everything just turned. He woke up in a really bad mood which was quite normal but he was extra moody and very agitated I tried to be relaxed and encouraged him to go out for a bit to do some shopping. I was being very quiet but he knows that's how I react when he is in the kind of mood he was in. I used to react and stick.up.for myself when he got like that but that was at the beginning I had long learned just to be quiet.

Anyway I park the car outside the shop he wants to go to he turns to me his face bright red and veins popping out of his neck, throws his phone against the dashboard screaming " I'm fed up with your moods" I was gobsmacked totally shocked, yes I was quiet and a bit moody but that was a reaction to the way he had been, he storms out of the car and walks in the direction of home, I drove away thinking I'll let him walk it off and calm down by time I get to his he'll be fine.

I go to his and he's still angry I sit in living room while he sits in the bedroom. I'm 46 by the way and he's 44 and we're acting like children. I told myself I'm sick of this I thought everything was going to be Ok, maybe I should have been a bit more understanding considering the circumstances but I leave and go home to let him cool off the next thing I get a txt telling me we're finished and he nvr wants to see me again he said it was my fault he ended up in hosp and how could i just drive away and leave him wondering the streets on his own he says no one has ever treated him as badly as I just did.

I was stunned I'd done everything for him I was at the hospital 10hrs a day by his side. I thought it would be a day or 2 and we'd be fine but no he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Wow!!! He's even changed his mobile nbr I'm left with only email as a contact. Last Monday I begged him to speak to me only to be told " I'm sorting myself out and it was you that ended this relationship not me don't contact me again" heartbroken is an understatement I begged and begged but no response.

I stupidly took a load of pills and ended up in hosp myself, stupid I know but I just didn't see any other way the pain would end. How did it get to this?? I'm so confused so hurt how can he treat me this way? What did I do wrong I just wish I had that last day with him again I wouldn't have walked out. Omg the pain is too much. I'm glad he's sorting himself and I really think he is because if he had gone on another bender I'd defos have heard from him. It's been 3 weeks. I found a website last night that spoke about toxic people. Was he toxic? Am I Toxic? What is happening? I need answers I'm driving myself crazy. Dxxx

Hello Dee: I'm sorry you are in this most difficult situation. Personally, I don't think any of this was your fault. This man has a boatload of problems & a penchant for putting it all off onto someone else... you. I'm not a psychologist or an addictions expert either. So I can't say whether how this man is acting is all related to the drugs or if there are perhaps some additional mental health issues going on here. But, to some extent, from my perspective, it really doesn't matter. What matters is the way he has treated you.

From what you wrote, I'd have to say my personal opinion is you're best off without this man. If he really has cut you off permanently, he's done you a huge favor. Accept it with gratitude. If, on the other hand, he does try to come back into your life run in the opposite direction! At least that is my perspective... for what it's worth...

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

I agree with Skeezyks.

You are not toxic.

Are you seeing a Therapist to help you process this horrible relationship.

You do deserve much better even if your doubting it right now.

I’m glad you got help and was in the hospital.

Welcome to PC

Right now your head is full of a lot of toxic stuff from a relationship that is doing you harm. Try to get some emotional distance from him and not let his whims rule your life. do you have someone close by you can talk with about this? Remember that your number 1 responsibility is to take care of yourself and you are responsible for your own actions no matter what he does or doesn't do.

I hear you are in a lot of pain. But I also hear he is a cocaine addict. I’m neither an expert nor familiar with your situations but it sounds like whatever’s going on in your relationship with him, the coke comes first and last even if neither of you wants it to. I think a lot of your questions that start with “Why...?” or “What...?” or “How...?” pretty much are answered by, “cocaine.”

“Yes but why didn’t...”

“Cocaine”

Etc.

Thank u all for listening and replying. My sensible head knows that I'm best off out of it but at the moment I'm finding that very difficult to process. It's the very last day that is haunting me the most. I do have people to talk to but I'm sick of hearing " just forget about him he's not worth it" I know this but if only it were that easy.
Before I ended up in hosp I begged my doc for help professional help. He prescribed me anti depressants and sent me home said it will all be fine. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was a week ago so that's a positive. I just can't believe the last 3yrs all seem to have been for nothing. I really did believe he loved me. I'm so confused right now

I'm actually starting to feel angry and resentful. In his last msg he said he was concentrating on fixing him for himself and I was to grow up and stop being selfish. I was there for him always. Am I really selfish for thinking about me? I suffered the effects of the coke too I was the one that docs sat down and told me they had to anaethetise him because his heart would give up otherwise and he would be dead. Aaaarrrrgggjhh