[newtus]

I’m a female in my late twenties. I’ve been dating a guy in his late twenties, too, for 5 months. I gave him a chance because he chased me for a month. I always talked to him but didnt make it official until a month later. I didnt see much in him at first and even thought about calling it off. He’s just a simple guy, average. I deal with mental illness. Schizoaffective and lots of anxiety and depression. He doesnt.

The relationship is actually pretty good. It started getting rocky slowly over the holidays for me. It was a mixture of the holidays and the winter season being so dark outside, id get sad a lot. Then in January we seriously started discussing moving in together, but not til mid 2018 or later, if everything keeps going well, since everything was so great since then.

Valentines was great. It was the best valentines ive ever experienced in my life. He brought me flowers, we spent the night at a hotel, he got me a promise ring and we had breakfast in the morning.

Fast forward to now: things are pretty much picture perfect. Yes weve had some disagreements/arguments but nothing that wasn’t resolved in the matter of a few min to an hour. I told him i saw him as The One. The one person in my life i could see myself spending the rest of my life with. He’s definitely my better half, is caring, hardworking, romantic, etc all the good stuff.

He said he wants to find that one person in his life, and that he hopes its me. But in that moment he didnt share the same feelings i was feeling for him. He didnt say he didnt but he also didnt say he did.

Am I overthinking this? Is it too early? He says its too early for him and i get that because i didnt see the value of him straight from the beginning. But it also did not take me long to realize it. Im wondering if im just a hopeless romantic in a way. I don’t exactly feel like i made a mistake telling him something this deep but it might have been. I just don’t understand why he would feel that we discuss seriously moving in together and him not have that same deep feeling.

He said hes happy with me, but also said he is unhappy when im unhappy (depressed) which is a lot of times.

[hvert]

Ouch, I don't know that you are overthinking or that it's too early. I think your post title pretty much nails it, you aren't on the same wavelength (at least for that conversation). Maybe he just takes longer to warm up? It's really hard to say. I'm with you, the talk about moving in together, the promise ring, all of that stuff doesn't really match up with you *not* being the one... so maybe he meant something different from what you heard?

Do you think you could talk to him about 'the one' conversation you had?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by hvert

Ouch, I don't know that you are overthinking or that it's too early. I think your post title pretty much nails it, you aren't on the same wavelength (at least for that conversation). Maybe he just takes longer to warm up? It's really hard to say. I'm with you, the talk about moving in together, the promise ring, all of that stuff doesn't really match up with you *not* being the one... so maybe he meant something different from what you heard?


Do you think you could talk to him about 'the one' conversation you had?

I wont see him til the weekend, but i talked to my mom and she suggested i meet up with him over coffee or something and talk.

Honestly, i wouldnt know what to say at this point. Im highly confused. I feel like at this point the relationship is just kinda flowing freely with him. The only goal he seems to have for the relationship (right now anyway) is to move in with me at some point. Im confused because of the talk of moving in and the promise ring. Especially the talk of moving in. Because thats a huge step for me.

We both live with our parents still. Ive wondered if he just wants to move out of there. Idk. I don’t necessarily want to sign a lease with someone who doesnt seem to want to marry me or AT LEAST give me a sign/clue to that. Idk...maybe the promise ring is a clue?

I mean he seems genuine about everything. Says he wouldnt do or say things unless he meant it.

Like i said, he didnt say i wasnt the one (i think), but he also didnt say i was.

Seems like everytime i bring something about the future up he keeps his answers pretty neutral. Not for or against anything. So im so confused.

[newtus]

Just to add, i was upfront with him in the beginning that anyone i date from here on including him, i see as a potential person to spend my life with. He said he was looking for something serious as well. He says he wants a family/to marry.

Idk.

[newtus]

Oh, btw, i flat out asked him yesterday if i was wasting my time. He said no im not.

Well, the promise ring.. doesn't that represent a promise for an engagement or am I wrong? At the same time, since he says it's too soon for him to know, I wouldn't push it.

If you don't feel comfortable moving in together before knowing that you're "the one", then don't do it yet. You can say you're not ready for that.

It is only five months into the relationship. Relax, sit back and enjoy for now. I wouldn't worry so much about a marriage with this person yet. It is far too soon to really know or to be talking about it. He is being smart and is taking his time. Nothing wrong with that. It takes a long time to really get to know a person fully, inside and out.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Well, the promise ring.. doesn't that represent a promise for an engagement or am I wrong? At the same time, since he says it's too soon for him to know, I wouldn't push it.

If you don't feel comfortable moving in together before knowing that you're "the one", then don't do it yet. You can say you're not ready for that.

It is only five months into the relationship. Relax, sit back and enjoy for now. I wouldn't worry so much about a marriage with this person yet. It is far too soon to really know or to be talking about it. He is being smart and is taking his time. Nothing wrong with that. It takes a long time to really get to know a person fully, inside and out.

I read some articles and agree. Especially if he himself says its too early. But i didnt see harm in confessing that sort of love to him. But i guess it was too early.

I read that a promise ring represents engagement. He told me it represents his love for me and his dedication to me. We wouldnt be moving in until mid year or late this year. Which the relationship would be almost a year by then. Ill gauge it again around that time. What i mean is ill bring it up again around that time. Nothing about marriage, just about how i feel for him that deeply again.

I dont want to ruin the relationship. Its going very well besides all that stuff.

[healingme4me]

Without the promise ring, I'd say meh. However, the ring is symbolic of an active expression. Sooooo, maybe it's a matter of semantics. Has he been hurt in the past? Maybe certain terms conjure up disappointment or hesitation that aren't a reflection of you?? Maybe he's just obtuse? Which there's nothing wrong with that, provided his actions and behaviors say otherwise. So long as he's respectful towards you and acts with kindness and compassion, if he sees roses as pink and you as red, it's still a rose, is it not?

[hvert]

I don't know, it's really hard to communicate about this stuff. It sounds like he doesn't want to say you're the one unless he's ready to marry you the next day and maybe there's some discomfort for him in even talking about those possibilities where you might prefer to talk about this stuff to work it out/make sure you are both on the same track?

What would change from the way it is now if he said directly that he wasn't sure yet if you were the one? Would you want to hear that or would you rather he skirted around it?