So Angry at my Controlling Mother

I'm a middle-aged, single woman living 100+ miles away from my mother, but she still tries to control me. When I first moved away, more than 20 years ago, my mother called me once a week. After the advent of the internet, she bought a communications package that allows her to make unlimited long distance calls without charge, so she now calls me every day. Occasionally, she'll call me multiple times per day.

At first, she called at a set time, but now she calls me at different times (though usually at night). She wants to know everything I did during the day. My life is pretty dull; there's not much to talk about. If I don't answer when she calls (am not here, am not where I can reach the phone in time, or don't hear the phone), when she calls back later she wants to know specifically why I didn't pick up earlier.

I feel like cussing her out when she does that. Even though she knows it annoys me, she does it again and again, and then cuts the conversation short when she recognizes she's made me angry. Tonight was one of those times. She called earlier than she had been calling. If I give her a simple, direct answer about what I'm doing or was doing when she called, she starts asking more questions (e.g., "why are you doing that now?") Am I right to feel annoyed at my mother's behavior? How do I deal with my anger toward her?

I'm currently on the other side of this type of general problem. It sounds like your mother has an empty life and tries to fill it by reliving your day. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they are just feelings. You could start by putting down some boundaries like how often you talk and if you don't feel like talking about something say so. If you establish some boundaries on talking on the phone probably your anger with your mother's will lessen.

Your mom sounds really lonely, or she really cares deeply about you - but just isn't going about this the right way at all. What does she say when you tell her that you don't need to speak to her ... every ... single ... day ?

I'm afraid you'll have to discuss this with your mother. Perhaps she needs to find some hobbies, or meet new people..

The thing that helps me deal with my anger toward my mother is radical self-sacrifice. I'm currently unable to tolerate the withdrawal from psychiatric medications that she had me forced onto years ago by calling the police and having me involuntarily committed to a psych hospital. I've gained 80 pounds on the medications and also developed dystonia. To avoid the inner turmoil that anger causes me (I feel raped sometimes), I just tap into my faith. I'm Christian. It's a turn the other cheek sort of thing for me. It gives me peace to just let my life on Earth be temporary in my mind. Like, I rest in knowing that I won't have to deal with cruddy people forever.

Yeah, I would be very annoyed with that behavior as well. You don't need a controlling parent calling you multiple times per day until you pick up. Why do you think you keep picking up her calls? Do you feel guilty if you don't or obliged to answer? What would happen if you told her that you could only talk once a week/month/quarter and just held firm?

I have no idea how you handle the anger. I have similar issues with my mother. She would do the same sort of interrogating and then use the information to stalk me. I do not talk to her unless I have to and do not share any information about my life. She has trashed me to other people for this. I'm still very angry whenever I think about her or have to deal with her. I feel like my own social skills are extremely stunted in part due to her using me as a friend instead of letting me have my own friends.

I would go nuts if my mother did that to me. I agree with others, that she must have an empty life. Do you have an answering machine? I would tell her that her calls are borderline abusive and to not call unless there is an emergency (where the answering machine comes in to screen her calls), and that you feel that speaking once or twice a week works best for you.

Your mom needs to get a life.

You're trying hard not to be hurtful to your mom. In return, she's being intrusive to the max, which is a shame. Does this lady perhaps qualify for a psych diagnosis? I think you have to set limits and actually tell her that you are doing so. Maybe say, "Mom, you're getting obsessive, and this is not healthy for either of us." Start with limiting her to one call per day. Also, change the topic when she keeps digging into one thing. (I don't say that's easy to do.) Nobody enjoys being interrogated. Maybe say that, like: "Mom, we can have a conversation, but I'm not going to be given the third degree.)

I think she's counting on you not wanting to be hurtful or sound insolent. But she's taking advantage of that. Sometimes you have to put up a barrier, even against someone you live. You would think 100 miles would be enough, but apparently it's not.

I hope things improve. This is too much day in and day out.

And don't let her guilt you.

My sister has been living with our mother the last few years. If I let the answering machine pick up, my sister calls and is really upset. She thinks Mom hates her and allows Mom to manipulate her. So, if I don't respond to my mother, my sister makes me feel guilty about it.

It doesn't do any good to place limits on my mother because she wants to be the one who is in control. If she makes a suggestion and my sister or I agree with it, she'll change her mind. Sometimes she calls me at a different time because there's a program she wants to watch on TV.

My mother has been diagnosed with major depression in the past but she refuses to take medication for it. She doesn't have much interest in being around other people except to go shopping, and sounds agitated if my sister goes somewhere with friends. Usually her behavior cycles, so some months she does better than others.

I just started taking an anti-depressant, so maybe that will help me deal a little better with things.

If you just want to vent that your mother is driving you nuts, you certainly can do that. Sounds like it would drive me nuts too. You have my sympathy. If you want to believe that there's no way you can change any of this, then that will be your truth.

I think you are conceding defeat without even trying to implement a strategy for taking back some say over this relationship. You're overwhelmed by your mother's determination. And she has your guilt working for her. You might want to think out why you get so guilty feeling. It's a standard principle of human relations that no one can make you feel guilty, unless you buy into that. You might benefit from discussing this guilt thing with a therapist. Medication might reduce your depressive symptoms a bit. I don't think it will help you deal with your mother.