What Is Wrong With Me??

My friend and I were having a discussion tonight, and one of the things that came up was my hoarding. Only, it's not hoarding, per se, it's almost more of a compulsion.

So, I have stuff from past girlfriends and a fiancee that I would have married but for the United States Government interfering directly. I have a few letters, small gifts and photos on my computer.

I don't even look at the photos or any of the stuff, just keep it near. I don't really know why, and that's part of the problem, and when I think about getting rid of it, I get anxiety badly (I'm actually having hot flashes right now), and I get very depressed.

So, what does it mean? What do these things represent? That is the first question I think I must ask myself. What do they represent that I feel like I must hold on to them? For one, I think they are a way of still holding onto the best parts of the person, or the memory of them, of having them with me through my journey through life, like ghosts of the past haunting me. It's like I take the best memories and tie them to each object.

Secondly, what do they do for me? What gratification am I getting from their continued presence in my life? I don't look at the photos, but simply knowing they are there is enough. I think, in a masochistic sort of way, they serve as reminders of the things I've lost, of mistakes I've made, and that in turn empowers me to enable negative self-talk and berate myself over my regrets and anger over my mistakes.

The strongest emotion tied to these things is fear. When my friend asked me to remove them, I wasn't upset at her, I was upset at myself, and felt fear. Why? The only thing I can figure is it is a reminder of mortality that I don't want to acknowledge. Buried in the self-talk every once in a while is a voice that asks, "Ah, so you're finally letting go--does that mean you're getting older? Will this be the last girlfriend? Is this my last chance? Just one last something of many, old boy. Soon, it will be the last this or that."

Even in writing this, it occurs to me that part of the reason I hang on to stuff is to have a sort of comfort blanket of everyone's presence I've ever loved and cared about deeply; it allows me to experience the love they once felt for me, to feel as though I am still loved, even if they really no longer love me. Jesus, how depressing is that?

And it's not just stuff from exes, but from friends I left inside, and family who is no longer here. This is why I think the fear I felt is tied somehow to my gibbering fear of death and dying. I am outraged at the thought that nothing comes after life, that it's all meaningless and nothing but a giant cosmic joke made at our expense. Part of my Pattern delusion (though I use that word lightly as I'm not entirely convinced it's a delusion).

It's so hard to write this next part that I am literally crying writing it. I used to pray for one thing. To be united with everyone I've loved along the way in one large happy family when I die. Basically, when I die, I want everyone I've loved but was never able to make it work to be there with me so I can hug them and be with them as if they are siblings, my family, in a way unlike what we experience here on earth. It's a child's dream, free of the nuances of a real relationship. This isn't to say I want to be with them as man and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend, just that we are together in perfect understanding and harmony. I still hear my one ex's voice telling me to do this or that when I'm attempting to navigate the relationship with my friend. "Be a man, Michael. Don't hurt her."

It's so hard to let go of those regrets, and they're like chains dragging me down. Part of the problem is inside me--I wanted everything to be so perfect with each ex, and because it wasn't, I blame myself more than others might. I take on more blame than I probably should. It's like, I have a notion of this perfect relationship in my head, and when I fail to live up to it, I become very angry with myself, and often lash out at myself physically. I think that's what these things do--they are reminders of all my sorrow and regret that that darkness inside of me feeds on. They give me ample excuse to use negative self-talk about myself, and then when I perceive that I haven't lived up to the standards I set for myself, it opens the door to righteous anger and fury that rains down in fists upon my face.

And worse is the guilt I feel over the things that went wrong that were truly out of my control with one ex, and yet, I still blame myself for. I made some horrible mistakes, and I have paid dearly for each of them in blood, sweat, and tears (literally), and thinking about putting aside the memories and old feelings feels almost like dishonoring their memory. How ridiculous is that?

With that out of the way...

How do I let go of the past? How do I get over all these regrets? I feel like I cannot let them just go without punishing myself. Only, I think I have OCPD, so there's no end to it. It just keeps echoing inside my head, and I keep repeating the same negative self-talk and self-destructive behaviors.

And my friend, who I will name only as M, God, she is amazing. I like her a lot and want everything to go right with her. She is so beautiful, and somehow, she still decided to stick around after finding out who I am and my past. And not only does she have incredible physical beauty, her personality matches and exceeds it. She knows the depths of black despair the same as I. She knows what it is to be so broken you can't function. And when she tells me the things she endured, I find myself wanting to hold her as close as possible, as if I could protect her from her past the way I cannot protect myself from mine. She is worth going through the inner turmoil and pain, and she has been supportive of this attempt to detach from my past and let it go.

But God, does it scare me. I don't want to get old. I don't want to die. And I don't want to hurt others, especially her. When I hurt others, it's as though I'm hurting myself because if I don't regret it immediately, I know I will later on when I start processing it. And I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be with M.

I must really like her because tonight I took the first steps towards letting go. I got a box, put the few odds and ends (a few old letters and cards, photos, etc) in a box and put it in the attic. I'm hoping that in a few months, I will not have even thought of it, and that will ease getting rid of it.

When the Pattern continues to take from you, it's a Pavlovian response to not put yourself out there. Why bother when it always ends in sorrow, right? This time, though, I want to beat the Pattern. I often feel like a donkey being led by a carrot on a stick when it comes to the Pattern--it lures me out of my hidey-hole with false promises of a chance at happiness, and then throws circumstance and chance into the mix so that something always screws it up. Maybe I'll finally beat the Pattern.

So, what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I let this stuff go as easily as anything else? And how do I fix myself so that I can let go of my regrets? I told M. that I would go to a therapist because I realize there are issues at play here that require professional psychological treatment, but it's worth going and enduring because I found someone worth fighting for again, and it feels good.

Thanks for listening. This needed to come out for a while.

Hi,

First, to address your question, it may not be a matter of learning what’s wrong with you more than it being a matter of embarking on a quest to discover what’s “Right” with you. No one has 100% things wrong with them and no one has 100% things right, we’re all on a spectrum somewhere in between. But too often we let what we think is wrong cover up so much of the right that we forget to “Forgive” ourselves for mistakes we’ve made. Your gaze is so focused on what went wrong in the past that you’re unable to see the “Best” in you now. (I’m sure you’ve have a good friend or more that may have told you that. )

As a person of deep faith, I truly believe, and have experienced, that the past doesn’t have to have so much bearing over our present. Instead of simply saying “just let go”, which you admitted introduces fear and anxiety, when you think about doing that, I would like you to ponder on and discover the following:

Right now, without changing the past, if everything were perfect, and the things you fear would happen, are guaranteed never to happen:

1. What are some “Great” things you would start doing, once you do permanently let go of things from the past?
2. How do you image it would change your life when you start doing those “Great” things?
3. Considering what you come up with, what does these new actions and way of living indicate about what’s “right” with you “right now!”?

Despite the fact that life isn’t always peaches and cream, I bet much of what you come up with is absolutely possible! As one who has overcome some of my own fears, and now coach others to help them overcome barriers to their happiness, I have seen that when fear is no longer near, a brighter hope-filled future is bound to appear!

I pray this helps to put you on a new path to a purpose and joy filled life ahead!

Hello Michael
What’s wrong with you?
You’re human. Apparently a romantic and thoughtful one, mostly over my head with your deep insight. Very intuitive and sentimental.
How do you let go of the past?
Start living in the present moment. This M. sounds remarkable. You’re doing great by starting to let go of the momentos. I thought we all held on to memorabilia of our lives. Good to know I’m not alone in this. Don’t worry about getting old. Live today. Enjoy nature and the beauty you see in every day.
I think you got this.

Sans

Thanks for sharing your struggle...

In my opinion you will know when you are ready.

I have some things a friend gave me (non-romantic we were both straight married women) she died a few years ago. I never look at them but I was not ready until recently to get rid of them. I am de-cluttering and think I will get rid of a few of those things now, I feel ready.

I think if these things were interfering with your life (like the sheer amount was piling up and cluttering your house) then that is different, if it's just a few things tucked away then it's no biggie IMO.

I'm curious about why your friend might want you to get rid of them. My husband had quite a few photos of exes (not on display but tucked away), it was his past and I wasn't threatened by it. He did get rid of them but it was his choice and no prompting from me, he was ready.

I think it's okay to be at the stage you are at right now, but it may be something to discuss with your friend.

The memories you have of events and people from your past aren't held within the objects you hold onto, but they are a part of you, your past, your memories.

I think that if you want to hold onto keepsakes, but don't have much in the way of space to hold onto them, then perhaps take pictures of some of them, I'd start with the larger ones myself, and put the pictures into an album that you can easily store on a shelf. That way, whenever you're feeling nostalgic or particularly sentimental, you can leaf through the album and see those objects and remember why they are so special to you and who they are tied to.

My friend has her own insecurities that I understand, and it's enough that everything is put away for her, which is good. I don't have a lot of stuff, but the stuff I was holding onto was because of the emotional "echo" I'd get from them. That moment in time when I received each one is crystalized in time, and that emotional connection to the object is still potent, which is something I need to work on within myself.

So I chose to carry forward the lessons I learned on what not to do in a relationship, and it's like I can sense the ghosts of them standing, inspiring me to do better, and be better, just so I don't have to face a delusionary impression of judgement from them. So...in a way, it makes me strive to be a better person. If that makes any sense. lol

But...since me and my friend are still new to our relationship and our status as bf/gf, I don't mind putting things away because for once, I want to grow in the here and now, not down the line in regretful reflection of the past.