[Albatross2008]

On using infantilizing and phony compliments as a way to keep us subordinate, reminding us that in their eyes we are always going to be children, never competent adults who are equal to them:

Every once in a while, Facebook reminds me of little reasons why I went no contact. In a picture from a few years ago, when I was still connected to my mother, I'm holding a new kitten my husband got me for my birthday. There is nobody else, human or feline, in the picture. My mother commented, "Two sweet kittens... cute."

It was my 46th birthday. I was hardly a "kitten."

This is the same mother who still refers to me as a "girl" rather than a woman, and uses words like "little" when I'm not that either. If asked, she would probably say she is complimenting me by saying I'm as cute as the kitten. I've got such a negative attitude. Why can't I see the good in the world, rather than taking everything as an insult?

Um, no. Just no.

The bigger picture is, if I hadn't gone no contact, she would still consider herself the supervisor of my life. She would criticize every decision and worry about whether I'm going to be able to handle even the most basic life skills. When I still had contact with her, she respected no boundaries. Even if I was asleep, she would keep knocking and calling until I woke up and answered, because she was "worried" about me. She rearranged my furniture and cabinets without my permission, because I'm too stupid to know where things are supposed to go in my own house. She inspected how I was dressed before I went out, making sure it was appropriate and looked good. No joke, she would still want to hold my hand when we're crossing the street. Am I going to dart away from her into traffic, like a toddler? Again, I was in my 40's when I finally stopped contact. She didn't do this with any of my siblings, by the way, and I'm the oldest.

So yes, put the baby talk in context, and she absolutely does not mean it as a compliment.

Oh, and challenge her on calling me "little," and she'll answer by sarcastically switching to "big" in a way that implies I'm fat. I am overweight, but still...

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand your frustration. Lots of parents act that way - they feel nostalgic for when they (and their sons) were younger.

Have you ever tried to talk with your mother about this? I assume you did since you cut all contacts, but still..

[Albatross2008]

Oh, yes, I tried to bring it up. Again and again. In doing so, I'd call down the wrath of the entire extended family for "being so negative" and "choosing to take it that way." How would I like it if nobody cared about me? Funny how it's always got to be one extreme or the other. Complain about being smothered, and I would only be ignored altogether. There is no happy medium.

Strangers don't always understand either. So many people have played the mother card on her behalf. "Oh, she's just being a mother. Worrying is what they do best." I've gotten a lot of "I wish my mother were still here to call me a girl and rearrange my house." Did their mothers, when they were alive, actually do those things? Usually not.

And again, why is all the worry focused on me and not my siblings? She doesn't seem to question whether my brothers can make the right choices for themselves, and I never saw her inspecting my sister's outfit when she got ready to go somewhere.

[tecomsin]

Arbie, thank you for sharing. This has given me some insight on how my adult son might see things and what I have to watch out for in my own behavior. I don't want to be a smothering mother.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think the reason she seems to act this way only towards you is precisely because you're the oldest - she was younger when she gave birth to you, and has probably an attachment that is not quite the same as your sibilings (not necessarely more or less: just different).

[Albatross2008]

Sometimes it's a pet peeve of mine when parents wish their children would stay little and not grow up. It is such a common feeling, though, that I can't call it wrong. The challenge for me is not being too hasty jumping to conclusions. Most people are not thinking of such extremes when they say that. It isn't that they always want to be in control of their children, and don't want them independent. It's that they enjoy/enjoyed the child phase so much, they almost don't want it to end. Most people might *say* they wish their 40- and 50-year-old sons and daughters were children again, but they wouldn't *actually* want to still be taking care of them, cooking and cleaning for them, buying all of their clothes, making all of their decisions for them, etc. And if they do, that is not healthy.

Said one of my therapists, "My mother will tell me I'm still her baby, but she doesn't actually treat me like a baby. She doesn't call me Michael-Michael-Motorcycle like she did when I was little."

Contrast that with the man I knew who was 40 years old before he moved out on his own, and I kid you not, he didn't know how to spread peanut butter on a slice of bread. Everything had always been done for him.

It is quite common for a parent to refer to their adult children as kids. I do all the time. But, if doing so despite being asked not to this is equal with harassment.