[Msilva]

About a year and a half ago I met at work my today’s very best male friend (42 years old, I am 35). He is everything I like, and I rarely find someone I like, we became terrific friends quickly, started going out (only the 2 of us) very often, talking on the phone every day, met his family, he met mine, etc.

About two months after we met, I told him I wanted to try to be more than just friends; he replied saying that he was not at the right place with his mind to start a relationship because he was still struggling with his depression, but did say, maybe one day! I never said I was in love with him because I wasn’t.

We became even closer as friends, as he started to open up to myself a lot more. A lot of people assume that we are going out or like each other because we are so close.

Once more, eight months or so into the friendship, I said to him that I needed some distance because I was confused about his feeling towards me. He took me to meet his parents, close family, close friends, was doing much more than the ordinary very good opposite sex friend would do. I told him that he was stringing me along instead of being more open and say that he wanted something with me. Again, I did not say that I was in love with him because I was not sure about my feeling, but I did like him a lot and was open to trying.

He responded that his feeling towards me was not romantic, just a very dear friend. I always said I liked him a lot; he always said the same back. Since I am trying to see him as a brother, but it’s been hard!

A few weeks ago he told me that he started talking with an ex-girlfriend, but now they were just friends, that she was seeing someone else and that she had feelings for this someone. This last relationship of his was very short; she split up with him because she wanted to get pregnant soon but he didn’t want a child.

I was not able to cope with him talking about her anymore and told him that I wanted to avoid this conversation because it was causing me a lot of pain and I didn’t wish to mess up our friendship. I finally said that I had feelings towards him.

He was sweet and kind, explained to me that he was still feeling in love with her since they started talking again, and he said that he realized why he could not open his heart to anyone else. He wanted to try again with her.

Then I told him that I was sure that she never really liked him, etc. (because of many things he told me). He said that he would open his heart to her, just like I did to him, tell her his feelings so he could get a clear response from her, either way. And perhaps it would help him move on with his romantic life.

So, he did, and the obvious happened, she said that she is in love with this new guy and she wants to try with this other guy, it was a no.

Now, I am quite confused again, he doesn’t look distraught, for someone that is heartbroken, he is incredibly kind to me.

My question is, could he be making up this “event” of talking to her, to continue to string me along, or now have an excuse to make a move on me?

Or could he be just be telling me the truth? I just find it all a little too surreal, that he could be still in love with this woman after three years (no relationship since), going to tell her about his feelings, doing what I have just done to him (only one week apart).

I wanted this to work, in fact, a couple of times he did said how “deep” our friendship is, and the best couples usually come from best friends, that he never had this with anyone in his life.

I am puzzled because I liked him but assumed that when I declared my feelings, at last, he would take the next step.

He is a 43-year-old adult; he shouldn’t be playing with my feelings! He is a beautiful person that I don’t want out of my life, but I am struggling to move on with my personal life because I am in love with him and hope that he is also in love with me but taking his time due to his depression or whatever reason.

I might be overthinking this, but I’m a woman, so that’s natural, ha, ha.

Any comments about his feelings towards me are very welcome!

[Tony the owl]

While I can't speak for him, there may be a little part in my story relevant to his feelings (and yours too). I met a girl back in 2014 and very quickly we became the best of friends. I pretty much fell in love with her right when I saw her for the first time, but when I found out that she was already in a serious relationship I voluntarily chose to be her friend. We used to spend hours talking every single night before we fell asleep and basically we both became closer than anybody else in our lives, just in like the first three months.

Over the last two years however, things started getting too complicated for us, fighting all the time for small issues. Communication started becoming rare and we met each other just around five times in those two years, even though we stayed just five miles away from each other. From people who knew every aspect of the other person's life and every little thing going on in every hour of the day, we now text each other briefly twice a month.

The thing is that even three and a half years after falling in love with someone I knew I could never be with, I'm still in love with her. So to me, I don't know how likely it is that he's got feelings for this other woman, but it seems very possible, even after three years. (Please do note that I scored an 88 for OCD in the sanity test, so I don't know if people normally feel the same way.)

Also while I don't want to break up any friendships, what I've realized is that trying to stay happy with a friendship when I wanted a relationship wasn't maybe a good idea. It made it hard for me to try to stay happy (because I knew I wanted more) and it never gave me the kind of closure you get after a breakup, so I never moved on.

The things I said weren't any recommendations I made to you. I just shared my experience so that you may get a little clarity.

[TishaBuv]

Welcome to PC!

There are people I’ve classified as “don’t want you but don’t want anyone else to have you”. Your ‘friend’ is one, I think. He knows you have feelings for him and says he does not have mutual feelings for you, but he acts as though he may...just enough...to keep you around.

He probably didn’t make up the other woman. I find men to rarely ever be that manipulative and creative as to bother. But, it doesn’t matter.

What does matter is YOU allow yourself to be strung along by continuing with false hope that this man will suddenly be what you want, and he won’t.

You know you need to move on and find a grown man who acts like one and who gives you what you need.

[Talthybius]

I think he was quite clear in his intentions. Yes, not completely clear. But clear enough. If he says 'I don't see anything happening romantically, but never say never.' and then in the months following you still stay good friends but nothing romantically happens, then that is your answer. He wants to be friends but nothing more.

Now I see someone reply that he wants you to stay single and that he is manipulating you. I don't know why this interpretation is so. But of course you also suggest he may be playing games. The only thing he can be blamed for is to not tell you 'Look, we are friends, but we won't be partners. Go out and find your romance.' But does he really need to say that to be a good friend? Perfect friend, maybe.

As for him stringing you along. I don't think it is clear that he kept suggesting that something romantic may happen somewhere down the line. It seems that only when you pressed him on it, he said something about it.

Him not being in love because he is in love with someone else? Him not being in love with you because he is depressed? Not a complete impossibility. But do you really want to keep waiting for him? His brain chemistry didn't trigger. There is no reason to assume that something is going to change that is going to trigger it.

As for being friends with someone you are deeply in love with, I am supposed to be able to say something wise here, because of experience. But no. After all these years, I am still clueless about what it means to me. Let alone to you.

[TishaBuv]

I guess the best thing is honesty with each other, and with ourselves.

If you gave some time to him in hopes he’d come around and focus his love on you, but he hasn’t, then you’d serve yourself best to tell the truth. “I have romantic feelings for you, I don’t want to be just a friend.” Then you stop doing things with him and go find someone who has mutual feelings for you.

I think some people like keeping others hanging on, it strokes his ego perhaps? Yes, this grown man should have not made dates with the OP that are misleading while saying he is not interested. He should have been kind enough to not give mixed messages.

And you, Msilva, are responsible to yourself and your happiness. Don’t let someone string you along for too long.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You were totally honest with him about your feelings, and hung in a little while to hope he’d reciprocate, but he didn’t. Further telling you about his love for another woman is him only rubbing salt in the wound. Of course you don’t want to hear about that!

Doesn’t it hurt to be pining for someone who says they don’t want you? Why hurt yourself like that?

[Bill3]

You’re right: he should not be playing with your feelings.

He has told you in many ways that he is not romantic about you. My advice is to believe what he says and move on to look for someone who is romantic about you.

[WhatsNextNow]

He's given you the answer, but I do understand it's difficult to not latch on to what seems confusing and not consistent on his part.

You're trying to find anything possible in order to get him to say things he won't. He's not worth this kind of strife for you. I'm sure there are things you truly like about him, but he's a flake and he knows how you feel and that's a comfort for him, but does nothing for you. He should be very clear, but he won't, because he wants all the cake.

I would try to not bring up anything about any of his ex whatever's, because it reduces you. If he were to say what you want him to say, it doesn't sound like it would progress in a healthy manner. You would feel some elation for a short period of time, but, trust me, everything else would still be there and you would ruminate about it.

Be less available to him in every way. Test yourself a bit.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by Msilva

My question is, could he be making up this “event” of talking to her, to continue to string me along, or now have an excuse to make a move on me?

Or could he be just be telling me the truth? I just find it all a little too surreal, that he could be still in love with this woman after three years (no relationship since), going to tell her about his feelings, doing what I have just done to him (only one week apart).

I wanted this to work, in fact, a couple of times he did said how “deep” our friendship is, and the best couples usually come from best friends, that he never had this with anyone in his life.

I am puzzled because I liked him but assumed that when I declared my feelings, at last, he would take the next step.

He is a 43-year-old adult; he shouldn’t be playing with my feelings! He is a beautiful person that I don’t want out of my life, but I am struggling to move on with my personal life because I am in love with him and hope that he is also in love with me but taking his time due to his depression or whatever reason.

I might be overthinking this, but I’m a woman, so that’s natural, ha, ha.

Any comments about his feelings towards me are very welcome!

I don't think he is making up stories. It is common to have feelings for someone after even a decade or two. Times does not really matters. So, I doubt that he is making up a story about talking to her.
It seems like his feelings towards you remain the same, meaning he does not have romantic feelings. Besides, he has been aware that you like him so if he wanted to make a move he probably would done so. I just don't think that he is into you. I might be wrong. I hope that I am.
If this friendship is causing you emotional pain, you may want to consider cutting it off for good (no back and forth). If in fact he has romantic feelings for you, he would eventually miss you and be with you.

[Msilva]

Hi All,

Verry important - he is super shy, has trouble starting anything with girls, he is very sensitive, did say to me that he had many problems with being rejected in the past, took 5 years to get over his first girlfriend, has assumed just now that he realised that he has always been ashamed to declare his feelings to someone - he assumed just now that there it is something he needs to work on. I am on the chubby side (but very pretty face) and he is very skinny. His main work with his therapist is on his self-esteem, he has big issues. His father, two brothers and some of his friends were bullies.
Does the above info make any difference?

Please be blant, I need it.

[WhatsNextNow]

Blunt ? Those things don't mean you should give so much of yourself to trying to help him, since you want something additional to a friendship. This is about what's good for you. Think about you and also truly why you are so attached to this situation.

[TishaBuv]

[QUOTE=Msilva;6036328]Hi All,

Verry important - he is super shy, has trouble starting anything with girls, he is very sensitive, did say to me that he had many problems with being rejected in the past, took 5 years to get over his first girlfriend, has assumed just now that he realised that he has always been ashamed to declare his feelings to someone - he assumed just now that there it is something he needs to work on. I am on the chubby side (but very pretty face) and he is very skinny. His main work with his therapist is on his self-esteem, he has big issues. His father, two brothers and some of his friends were bullies.
Does the above info make any difference?

Please be blant, I need it.[/QUOTE

It doesn’t make any difference where you are concerned. He outright told you he doesn’t feel romantic toward you.

As for him, there can be a lot of things really going on. But that’s his problem with himself, and for him to figure out for himself.