Making friends as an adult

I think that making friends as an adult is hard. It seems like everyone's paired up with another friends (or SO) and lately, I don't know. I'm looking for people I resonate with. Lately, I'm discouraged, because I am either meeting people who are weird and I don't want as friends, or my current friends / acquaintances don't even bother with me and I feel like **** about it. I have a lot of acquaintances and distant friends. A lot of them...don't seem interested in me unless I'm out and about doing stuff in the community with them as a group. I do wonder if it has to do with the fact that I identify as having MI and they know that I'm on disability. I suppose, in a sense, at least I know I can go somewhere and be with friends. Like meditation group. I don't have a problem with this, per se. But I am quite jealous of people who have had good friends all their lives and are loyal to each other, etc. I want that! I want someone to watch tv with. And talk on the phone to. I want someone who I *know* is there for me when I'm in trouble and dealing with ****. I don't have that. At least, not right now. I do have social anxiety. It's not crippling, but I also avoid social stuff sometimes because of it. Also, I like being solitary sometimes. I'm an introvert. But I know I need to nudge myself more.

I'd really like some advice on how to make solid friendships as an adult. Maybe a discussion on this will help others as well!

I found some helpful links

Making Friends As An Adult / Backed By Research

Making and keeping friends as an adult


Someone once gave me some really good advice that I'd forgotten about until now: "If you're nervous about a party, or group gathering, when you walk in, look for the friendliest looking face in the group, and talk to them." This may not work for everyone but it really helped me and still does bring me comfort. I will do this next time I'm in a really big group and feel I don't really know anyone and feel nervous and clammed up.

Here's two more links I found helpful.

Gretchen Rubin's 8 friendship tips

5 habits to combat loneliness

I think I have a good mix of friends from when I was young and friends I made as an adult. My very best friend I only met 5 years ago and yet we call each other for everything.

If you can get to activities that helps. I pole dance and have made a bunch of awesome friends through it. I also join local face book groups and have made friends there. Volunteering is another great way to meet people. I think the key is finding people who share a passion for the things you do.

Thank you SG! I think you're right. Joining a group of something I'm interested in (or / and passionate about) and volunteering ARE great ways. And sticking with it! You just reminded me I have to get back to a person who emailed me back about a volunteer opportunity I was interested in. She wants to get coffee and tell me about the org!

I think sometimes, I really feel rejected and lonely, and then other times, I realize, I am not focusing on the people and social opportunities that are in my life. I am focusing on the negative aspects! Also I think I am just as guilty of flaking out as other people sometimes. Mainly with group activities. Maybe there are some people I need to give a little leeway to? At the same time, I could keep these people as distant friends and just create the boundary of....not reaching out to them anymore until they reach out and want to do something. I feel I have a lot more friends on the acquaintance side, than close friends, which I don't feel like I have any! I will keep at it though and keep learning as I go. Sometimes I wonder if I could brush up on my own interpersonal skills too! Something to look into.

I have the same issue. Somehow I was never able to make friends, which I guess stems from being on the receiving end of ridicule and being slightly ostracized growing up, in school, for being overweight and very boyish and a bit introverted. So, I didn't come out of school and university with a group of friends and entered adulthood with that deficit of a social circle and of the experience that comes with having a social circle/friends growing up.

In the past few years I've tried a little bit to make more friends, actual friends, meet people. It hasn't really worked for some reason. I made 2 good friends but not very good and now one lives abroad and the other got pregnant and is getting married, we don't have much in common anymore. Other than that....nothing.

Last year I started going to amateur theater classes, for people who just want to do this as a small hobby. It's been great, the people in the 2 courses I took were super nice, especially in the one that just finished. As a group we've hung out a lot, went to a restaurant every week after class and always after performances, one of the guys invited us all to his place to have drinks and pizza and play games and I went to the theater with a few of them once. I wish I could make some of these people into regular, close friends but honestly I don't see how. I mean, they have their own circles of close friends already(they're all 25+ in age) and I found that after your mid 20s it's really hard to penetrate that circle and make a close friend, especially as someone introverted and anxious about people. Now, without these classes, I literally have no one to hang out with.

Also, one needs close friends, it's not enough to just have acquaintances, because there's that special intimacy and camaraderie between friends that we all need. So yeah, it's an issue for me as well.

Hey Entity, thanks for responding. Thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate to where you said it's hard to penetrate that close-knit circle of friends who have been friends for a long time. It does seem like that to me too!

College for me was hard because that was where my MI was really bad. I had no idea how to handle it and I had social anxiety big time as well as deep depression. I didn't really know how to make friends, either. That may sound weird but its true. and I was focused on the wrong type of friends for me, in the beginning. They were more outgoing. They were also not very nice and critical of me. I really........I don't know if it's so important for one to blame themselves or even explain themselves for why they don't have close friends as an adult. I do wonder if it might be more of a common thing, than we might think. For instance, I do have one close friend who is an internet pal, who I adore, and she adores me. She told me she doesn't have many friends either. But doesn't see it as a bad or weird thing. Just a fact of life. It made me feel more normal. She is such an awesome person. And I thought "well, maybe its ok then." Also someone once wrote a book on this subject (of how difficult it is to find friends as an adult). She had moved...relocated for her job..., and I read some of it, and again, I felt more normal. I will try to see if I can find it and post the link.

Your theater group sounds really great, despite the fact that it dispersed after the classes ended.

I do think being an introverted myself, it is a challenge to push myself to do social stuff when all I want to do is hang out at home, in my Starrysky cave.

I'm just moving along with this. I have many different emotions about it (sometimes not even focused at all on it, but when I am...) ranging from indifference (sometimes I do like to be solitary), to deep loneliness and frustration and panic, to hope and feeling encouraged, and then also there are times I'm more satisfied.

I hope you'll be able to make friends; I struggle with that, as well.

(((((Mickey)))))

Thank you.

You are such a wonderful person.

I know the feeling! Most of my "friends" are either acquiantances or people I just text with but maybe only see on birthdays...it's definitely hard. My suggestion is, if you're on social media, maybe try and strike up a conversation with mutual friends who have similar interests as you. It's worked for me, and I made some great friends that I met up with from online. Of course, if you do meet up with someone online, make sure it's in a public place.

Other than that, you could always try and socialize with people from work or school, or somewhere that you go regularly. Coffee shops are good places for that sort of thing too.

As someone who also has social anxiety, sometimes it can be too hard to approach someone, so maybe wear a shirt or an accessory of something that you're interested in. That's a good way to get people to approach you that might have the same interest.

For example, I wore a "Stranger Things" hat to one of my college classes, and this girl complimented me and now we talk everyday and we're starting to become friends!

I hope this was helpful, let us know if you make any new friends!

I can relate. I think it’s common to have hard time making friends as we get older. It might be for different reasons for different people but it’s hard for many of us.

(((Starry)))

Yes, it can be harder to make friendships when we are older. I can identify with that, definitely. All I can say is it's very unlikely to be a reflection on you but as we get older many people are settled in friendships, busy, and 'full up' as I once observed (no time for new friendships), then there's compatibility which can be every bit as complicated as the romantic kind.

All I can advise is keep on doing what you are doing, get out there, meet new people (when you can and have the energy, because that's an issue for introverts), you will increase your odds of clicking all the time. I had no friends for ages and met 4 very good ones within the space of a few years, and 3 of those were in the same interest group. You never can tell what lies around the corner.

I feel a similar sort of push/pull when it comes to friends. I often prefer to be by myself. I don't look forward to social events. At the same time, I worry that my friends don't like me or that I don't like them or that I don't have enough friends - but when I plan my days/weeks, I don't want to make plans with other people! Is it because I'm anxious or because I'd just rather do my own thing? I don't know.

I also look at people who still have their high school friends or college friends and wonder what that's like.

Thanks everyone for responding with such thoughtful replies. Hugs to anyone else struggling to make friendships as an adult.

I was going to post in here the other day, and forgot. I went for a hike and bird watching with a friend from meditation and it was really nice. We'd never hung out before, but it was quite nice to spend time with her and get to know her more. It was fun.

That book about adult friendships...I know its at my local library, but I forgot to look at the name.

it is hard, i meet most ppl online and then never in person. i struggle a lot with issues that make forming friendships really tough.... and being close to 40 is even worse.

I think mh struggles make it worse. In the midst of depression I don't think anyone would want me anyway apart from my h who is very loyal. So I am scared of being needy and isolate instead.

Who was it said hell is other people. there are times i'd agree. I've given up trying to make friends. If people like me good if they don't, screw them . I don't care. I like me, though I could kill me at times. but hey there's love and hate in all relationships. it makes life interesting. I'd get a dog, if only for the sex........have I crossed the line.

Making friends that are suitable for us seems problematic if you are thinking you might have some 'issues'

Most people want to talk about stuff that is in front of them like football cooking winemaking or whatever it is. I was really dissapointed when I joined a wine tasting group thinking this would be a great way to socialise away from that group and found people only wanted to focus on talking about wine. Likewise i spent a hundred thousand dollars being a member of a gliding club and found the most fun was to be found landing in some field somewhere finding the owner and having a cup of tea and a chat - often with some really nice farmers, their wives and their families. People who have a hobby like flying tend to be a bit one dimensional.

A neighbour suggested long ago that that the way to meet people it to go to events while avoiding discos and pubs. Eg if you want to meet women you go to cookery classes and if you want to meet men you go to football matches.

I would then have the same problem though when surrounded by friends. I tend to want to talk about stuff that is inside my head while others are focusing on what is outside their head.

You seem to love and hate yourself. You say your mood (under your photo) is 'twisted' Part of you has not given up wanting friends. Part of you cares about not having friends. It seems clear you want others to care about you.

Here are some Tony Robbins quotes:

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The past does not equal the future

If you do what you have always done you will get what you have always gotten.

Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible.

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Tony Robbins would likely suggest you write down a list of reasons you want to have friends and keep going for at least 30 minutes.

Then write down all of the reasons you like being alone and keep going for at least 30 minutes.

Another Robbins quote:

It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped