[Renee]

Hi, im 30 years old, married with two children. I feel so useless in my life. My husband is a long haul truck driver, and gone 6 out of 7 days a week. When he is home all he does is play games on computer during day, and surf web all night. Our intimate life is slim to nill. I have a disease called Interstitial Cystitis, which began about 3 years ago, it has killed my life as I knew it. I use to be a very active person, and now im stuck to laying on a couch. Any physical activity just causes my disease to flare and worsen. I am on opiate pain management, which works somewhat. Im just so sick of being sick. And having a husband, who seems to not notice. This summer he had to have a hernia repair-and you would of thought he was dying, for about 8 weeks or more, I dealt with his bellyaching. I hurt 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He was much more understanding to what i was going through for the first time in 3 years while he was sick. But the minute hes up and back to work-its back to same old same old. If my insurance wont cover my meds he *****es-but he of course diidnt when it came to his. We recently moved from Washington state to Illinois, far far from home.. I absolutely hate it here. Between the hot summer and now cold fall-winter, it makes me hurt a million times worse. Im stuck inside all the time. The only time i leave is for my kids school or activities. I do have an in home care giver-who helps with house etc. You would think this would be wonderful-a maid.. But its not, I feel so useless, my kids go to her more then me for things anymore. I just cant stand my life. Id say id leave my hubby, but like Id ever meet anyone-im homebound.. I also am bi-sexual, I tried denying it all throughout growing up. I grew up in strict mormon faith. Huge family-was all disfunctional-but looked good on outside. I now have no relationship with them, due to hubby and themselves. I just thought, id live the way god demanded us too. But now I dont know. My hubby knows, and like all men, doesnt care. We have tried relations together in past-but he gets a little too nice with my partner then im comfortable-so its no longer allowed. Hes strayed in past-and having intercourse with the disease I have is impossible. Not that i ever was to into it to begin with. I just dont know what to do? Im so lonely, bored, and tired. I know somethings up with hubby, hes acting so strange lately. Our 12 yr anniversary was this past weekend, and I had to remind him just to wish me a happy one. All day he played computer-he didnt even try to be close to me.. He stayed in different room all day. I just cant take it anymore. What do I do? If i left him, id be stuck in this god awful state-with no one. No money, no family, and just my kids. Please help. I just cant take it anymore... Thanks for listening, if i didnt find this site today, i dont know what id done... Renee

[heidu]

The only thing I can offer is an online hug and to let you know I feel for you.
Take care of yourself.
Heidu

[bptoo]

Hi Renee,

I can't give you much more than support right now. You do have an incredible burden to deal with and I feel very deeply for you. And having no one at home to support you doesn't help. I would like to suggest one thing to you, and forgive me for being nosey. I think you really need to sit and think about what it is want for you and your children and come up with a gameplan. You made the comment that without your husband you'd be left all alone with no one, no money, etc. First, I'm not suggesting that you leave your husband, but if he's not willing to work on your relationship and and spend time with you, aren't basically alone anyway? And with your physical disabilities and limitations, I'm sure that you and your children would be eligible for aid from the state so you could move, to one maybe where you could be closer to friends or family.

I guess basically what I'm trying to say is that the best help for you right now would be getting you into a situation that would put you in a better frame of mind. I'm sure that there are options out there to what you have now. Please give some thought to what you'd like to do and see if you can get in touch with some people to assist you. Don't suffer any more than you have to.

Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you found us.

bptoo

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."