[Erecura]

It's hard to admit, it was even harder to see, but I have to admit that there is a clear very unhealthy pattern in my relationships.

I usually tend to feel pretty secure in a romantic relationship, more so if it lasts longer. I feel like the partner should love me unconditionally, and that no matter what I do he will be there for me. Usually, I put my own self in a role of a victim in a partnership. I was the one who's been seduced, I was the one who's been wanted by the other person, I was the one pushed into a relationship and so here I am...love me. That's sort of my thinking pattern. I never start a relationship on my initiative, I always need to feel like I'm the one who is wanted by the other person.

Not only that I see myself as a "victim", but also as the one who can leave and find someone else any time. I like to prove my point of being independent and fine without my partner.

I'm always the one who starts break-up debates, who brings doubts about the relationship as the first one and I'm always the one who breaks-up eventually. But...it's always very painful and sick.

When I try to prove my point about being independent, I usually make comments about how I could be better off without that person. I talk about all their mistakes, personality faults, things I dislike about them. They usually try to make things better and change, but it never seems to be enough.

Then I start to tell them to leave, but I never really mean it. I push them away, go to the edge and wait for them to break. And when they break...cry, bag me to stay, I only then finally feel like they truly love me and I can count on them.

So I play this push and pull game, I could leave you anytime, but I won't and I know you won't either, because you love me too much. But for some... ****ed up thrill, I always bring up this option and push all the emotional strings I can.

You'd say that the men see through it and leave me eventually, but actually no... the more I prove my point of leaving them anytime, the more they try. The more they do whatever I want them to do. The less self confident and more dependent on me they become.

And I don't want that... I don't want them to do whatever I ask, I don't want them to be my puppets so why the hell do I do that?

Usually what eventually pushes me away from a relationship is their lack of self confidence and inner strength. In the end... nobody seems strong enough and individualistic enough.

[Lolina]

I think you want to control and dominate, maybe you should see a therapist to understand why you need to control them and to turn them into puppies.

I used to be like that, if the guy did not have a strong character to put me in my place I will always try to dominate them. Sometimes its because we lack control in other areas of our life so we just overcontrol what we can.
If for example, people tend to find you pretty and obey what you say because of that , you will use it as a weapon for control, seduce and you will be self-concious on the days you will feel a bit less beautiful.

Try to open yourself to other interests, don't let relationships and men be your main focus.
If you think a lot of focus are about your beauty, it is a good thing but try to open your options, get a degree or self teach yourself some other skills.

[Erecura]

Originally Posted by Lolina

I think you want to control and dominate, maybe you should see a therapist to understand why you need to control them and to turn them into puppies.

I used to be like that, if the guy did not have a strong character to put me in my place I will always try to dominate them. Sometimes its because we lack control in other areas of our life so we just overcontrol what we can.
If for example, people tend to find you pretty and obey what you say because of that , you will use it as a weapon for control, seduce and you will be self-concious on the days you will feel a bit less beautiful.

Try to open yourself to other interests, don't let relationships and men be your main focus.
If you think a lot of focus are about your beauty, it is a good thing but try to open your options, get a degree or self teach yourself some other skills.

I don't think that I'd like to seduce or dominate men. I never flirt or otherwise attract attention, men simply notice me without me trying. I also do not know why exactly, because I don't think of myself as someone who is beautiful. I'm definitely fine looking, but there are many women who look far better than I do. I don't actually know what is it about me...

I don't care about beauty or getting attention from men. When I'm in a relationship I'm always faithful and I don't react on others when they flirt with me. I don't think it's a domination issue, rather that need for proof of their love and that proof needs to be more and more extreme as the relationship gets older. I'm not sure why that is...

What's with that degree advice? I have a postgraduate degree and I'm finished with my studies.

Maybe you're afraid of true intimacy and of allowing yourself to really feel real feelings and be close to someone or even somewhat dependent on them emotionally? I can't begin to play therapist so I won't but those are the first thoughts that come to mind. And yes, it does seem to be a bit of control and dominance on your part. You may not want to hear that and you may protest and get defensive, but why else would you play on their emotions in this way unless it was to be in control of the relationship? They choose you, you don't choose them. You tell them what's wrong with them and then push them away. You play the independent one who doesn't need them. That does sound like control to me. My guess is you are afraid to truly get close to someone and to be vulnerable with them. Perhaps you were hurt in childhood relationships and this is how it is playing out. I am just guessing based on my knowledge of psychology.

That being said, I could be off based, and I applaud you for all your personal insights! It takes guts and courage to look at oneself in this way!!

[Lolina]

@Erecura: maybe I projected myself on your post, because I was like that a bit. And I am about to prepare a degree lol, because I cared a lot about my appearance and how man perceived me.

Like Golden even said: the fact that you have awareness of your patterns is thebeginning of change. Hold on there and try to look for help if needed. I think you are on the right path.