[graystreet]

Re: my previous post (the long one; Long Distance Lie)

I began shocked. I think I believed, when I messaged her, that I was in one of my BPD crazy modes. I didn't mean to message her, actually. I accidentally hit "enter" trying to delete the thing. In fact, I had tried a work-around to retrieve the message. And I thought it worked. I'd just sent him a nice, everything is fine, we'll part ways amicably no matter what happened, I care about you, love you as a friend, etc etc email in spite of the fact that I'd had suspicions. And then I got her message.

I was shocked, my whole body shaking. Then I was kind of numb and went into find him mode, which is not so easy because find him means track him down online, and he likes to dodge and block. But really. I found out about her with a couple of clicks and by just taking a good hard look at his FB "like" patterns, does he really think I can't figure out how to contact him online? I felt calm, and vindicated that I finally knew the truth after so freaking long of feeling crazy, like it was just an insecurity I couldn't work around.

And then I cried for about 10 minutes. Sobbed. And now? I'm livid. Like, seeing red, want to run around the block in the snow (but I can't with a broken foot), want to punch something livid. I can't sleep, and I have to be up at 9am (it's for a T appointment, perfect timing). This has never happened to me and I. Am. PISSED.

Outside of my BPD, I've got some pretty black and white values that, damn it, I don't think I should have to compromise. I believe in monogamy. I believe in doing what you tell someone you will. I believe that, when you repeatedly tell someone else--repeatedly--there is no one else, that there should be no one else. And I believe that, when you choose to enter into a relationship with someone who states, in the beginning, their fear and apprehension of relationships, their fear of being screwed over, their trust issues, and, specifically, because of these things, makes the one request of you to just be honest, that's all, because I'd rather know a painful truth than deal with the greater pain of dishonesty, you have a responsibility to be ****ing honest.

The truth of what he did to me just keeps going on and on and on. Like, oh, when I was visiting him in TN this weekend and his phone pinged in the car, it was probably her. And oh, when we were at the restaurant in Gatlinburg, and he disappeared to the bathroom with his phone for several minutes, he was probably talking to her. And you know? I was going to ask him about that one. But I bit my tongue, because it's a thing, and I knew I'd had issues trusting, and we were having fun. Hey, maybe he just took it for some reading material. But, no, I don't really believe that.

So I guess I just wonder, do I really feel better knowing the truth? I don't know. I wish I could just go back to the part where we were still friends, I do know that. I miss my actual friend so much, the one who was nice to me, who didn't abuse and mistreat me. And cheat on me. That's the hardest part; I lost my friend of 13 years, and am grieving the loss of my friend. He did too, but it's like he doesn't even care.

I'm so sorry for your pain, first of all, and for the fact that you've been betrayed and cheated on. I know this feeling as I have gone through it myself. I have seen red like you. I know that level of anger and rage. It's the worst kind of hurt. I wish a hug could resolve it.

13 years is a long time to know someone. Yes, you will grieve the loss. It will hurt, but trust me, it DOES get better in time. The pain will ease up in time. There is no specific timeline for grieving, but allow yourself to cry and to mourn, but also to feel OK over this ending, because it's for the best.

And if he is one person as a friend, and another as a boyfriend, that's something to think about. I have had this situation too -- twice, in fact. You have to wonder if he is someone you would even want to be friends with, knowing what you know now about him.

Know that you deserve far better. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect at all times. You deserve monogamy. Know that this ending is a good one, because it frees you up for something much better down the road. Know that he will continue on as he is and will do the same to the next person. People don't change... not much at least.

And don't worry about how he feels. What's more important right now is YOU, and your healing. Take care of YOU right now. Do whatever you need to do in order to feel some relief from the pain of this.

It will get better. I promise. (((((((Hugs)))))))

[graystreet]

I reached out over and over to just ask him why. I told him I wasn't angry (not at that time I wasn't), but that I just wanted to know what the point was, when I live in Michigan, he in Tennessee, and I had already expressed that I felt my feelings were starting to cool before I went down to see him this last time (this was after he'd already slept with her!) It would have just been so easy to tell me okay, yeah, it's probably best if you don't come down. I think my feelings have cooled off as well. But he didn't, he told me he was really excited for me to come down, kept telling me, to the point that, even the day before, when I was not feeling any excitement at all, but he kept texting how happy and excited he was to see me, I was like okay. I'm going to go because he is so excited. Let's just make it a happy weekend. And I wanted to know why, when I got there and told him I felt our chemistry had died, he told me he still wanted me there and wanted to keep trying when he'd already been sleeping with someone else. Like...why??? What is the point??? I live 10 hours away!!

When he finally did break his 2 day silence, he said "Because you were and are a crazy stalker. I have texts. I have recordings. Continue to reach out and I will get legal." What??? That makes no sense. You didn't decide to cheat and then love on me because I'm a crazy stalker. If I'm a crazy stalker, you leave and block every avenue of communication, not ask me to come to Tennessee. I know to what he's referring; the way I found this is because I looked on FB. I went down a rabbit hole. And I have done it before. And fine, it sucks, and it's creepy. But when I am as suspicious as I have been, and he's being shady, and I know he's lied to me before (not like this), I told him: when you aren't telling the truth, and you are hiding from me, I feel like I have to find the truth somehow. Blaming his moral laxity on me is just stupid. He's doing it because he's cornered. I told him to go ahead and get legal.

I finally told him the only thing I really wanted to know is if he or she has recently been tested for anything, because of course we didn't use a condom. Because of course I believed him when he said I was the only one. And of course, when I told him I wanted an IUD if I was going to come down there more long term, he was all for it. He never got back to my multiple messages about that. But if he didn't give a **** about my feelings, why care about my health? I'm going to guess they haven't been. I've already made my own appointment (I'm a nurse; I am vigilant about this stuff, and I think that being honest, at least for the sake of your partner's ability to make her decision about you wearing a condom is, at the very least, a mature responsibility).

It totally irritates me that she chooses to remain FB friends with him. But whatever, she can have him. If she wants to pick the low-hanging fruit, that's on her.