[sky457]

Had a conversation with my ex of 4 days. I tried to avoid it and she emailed me and told me that she wouldn't be passive aggressive.....yet she was. She again consistently attacked me and I had no choice but to defend myself. It was really really bad.....

She ended it on a bad note, even through that, I stayed positive and tried to end it on a positive note. She shot down that too.

Our relationship was extremely rushed....she was really positive in the beginning and then in turned really bitter. I thought she was amazing. It was only 3 weeks.....

She went through an extremely rough childhood. Her dad was a cocaine addict, and she said her mom was crazy..... She had to fight for her survival....probably most days of her childhood. I don't blame her for what she did to me, but what she did really hurt. I don't hold it against her, but consider her strong for persevering through that...

Despite me not doing anything to her, small hiccups felt like all out battles, and I wound up getting blamed at the end of a fight....that it was all my fault. It was really really really bad.

She really liked me, but I couldn't deal with the emotional battery....I had to just walk out one night and not look back. It really angered her, but she hurt me and kept going after me. She didn't accept fault for anything and kept going after me continually....kept beating me into the ground. Anything I brought up about her was met with denial, a rebuttal, an attack, or a redirect to how messed up I was....

I was on this site and shifted my computer because I didn't want to show her the support system I had for myself and she shifted to look at my screen across the room. She then made up something else that she was looking at. I'm worried she is stalking me now. Really really really bad....

What's really bad is that she has a masters in social work.......

[crushed_soul]

I wish for you to be doing well, sky457. I extend tremendous empathy for you to you for such circumstances.

To clarify, you and your ex girlfriend did not speak for four days, yet you are with her right now as you made this thread? For four days, you were not attempting to contact and/or communicate in general with her, but she emailed you and stated that she "would not be passive aggressive?" Subsequently, she proceeded to be passive aggressive according to you. May I ask how she "attacked" you? Did she provoke you, incite your and/or become emotional, then blame you when you were emotional?

Is "on a bad note" in reference to the end of the phone call (or the relationship or?) Would you be so kind as to explain how she "shot that down?"

Her childhood is indeed tragic and justified in receiving empathy and support for such a childhood. With that said, what did she do to that hurt you?

Did she indicate that it was "all your fault," whether it was via words, actions, both or?

After reading your entire post, it seems as if you might be a victim of emotional and physical abuse as she is the abuser and manipulator. Please take a moment to consider that.

I say the aforesaid claim because if some of your descriptions about your interaction are accurate, she is attempting to control you via emotional and physical abuse. Some examples are shifting the blame, passive aggression, denial, personal verbal attacks, and maybe other tactics.

Additionally, her action of returning to you after the relationship ending and her ensuing behavior might be an act of hoovering. Just to explain for the sake of clarity, "hoovering" is when someone attempts to draw someone else back in to contact, relationship and so forth through a false appearance of seemingly wanting to reconnect, but the person is trying to continue a relationship of control via manipulation and abuse.

If she is hoovering, hoovering is directly interlinked to narcissism (and, maybe, other behavior.) I am not claiming that your girlfriend is a "narcissist" or has "narcissistic traits." With that said, from what you write, there seems to be evidence at the very least for possible narcissistic traits. It's even possible that her behavior is indeed of "narcissism," but that remains to be disclosed.

[sky457]

Hi crushed, I am no longer with her....I talked to her over the phone but would not consider meeting up with her again. Our relationship has been done since last Saturday.

Yes, everything you brought up about emotional abuse, narcissism has crossed my mind...

She snaps, insults me, I get upset, and then she blames me at the end of a dispute.

And oh my g..... she did exactly this hoovering thing to me. She tried to be concerned and asked me if I was ok and said she was worried about me....then went straight to insults. I have an email from her that did just that.....

[crushed_soul]

Well, you seem to be conscious of the possible manipulation, abuse and of what they might be indicators, which is most essential and will literally, probably save you from further abuse, manipulation and control if you so choose.

You have a decision in front of you, sky457: to continue with her or not

Also, please allow me to just state to please not underestimate, downplay, ignore or anything similarly how your well being (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) might harmed if what we are discussing is indeed accurate about your ex girlfriend.

If you choose to not continue with her and no contact at all, you might consider telling her a most brief message of how the two of you are done, wish her well and so on, then block her on every avenue of communication OR you block her right away without saying anything. Be warned that she might even attempt to find you in person if she cannot contact you in any other avenue.

[MickeyCheeky]

This is abuse. I'm sorry that you've been suffering so much.. please try to cut any communication with her. It's pretty clear this won't work...

[divine1966]

Be done with her. You dodged that proverbial bullet. Stay far away

Her having masters in social worker means nothing. I’ve met ton of social workers and therapists IRL and many are very difficult to deal with. In fact several went into the field precisely because they are unwell so they thought they can fix others who also need help. Hmm So don’t worry about her degree.

[sky457]

Thanks guys, this experience has been a real shock to me. She really covered up who she was....

[crushed_soul]

If you found anything in my posts helpful, do mention it.

Apparently, there are people, who hide how they are (and are not,) present false appearances (masks, facades, and so on,) and much more. The aforementioned deception is not always blatant to a person (until how ever much history results in the person becoming a victim) for several interconnected reasons. Additionally, the person of deception might even appear in general to others (in general) as to not being of any deception at all for multiple reasons as well.

[sky457]

Hi crushed, I do find your posts helpful.

She would get upset about something someone else did in public or a behavior that I would do (i.e. being too loud, being dramatic, being annoying, being emotional, etc. -- the criticism would not stop). I would react, and then she would go after me. She would transfer her anger / unhappiness onto me. She gave me the silent treatment and then pretended like she wasn't, was taking space, or just thinking. These denials of her actions led to her gas-lighting me and acting like it was all in my head. In the times I was vulnerable, she projected insecurities onto me, manipulated me to the point of confusion, attacked my character, criticized me, and continuously tried to break me. By the end of just 3 weeks I significantly doubted who I was, even though I acted in the best intentions. In the end, I had to walk out of her room, leave, and not turn back.

Originally Posted by sky457

Hi crushed, I do find your posts helpful.

She would get upset about something someone else did in public or a behavior that I would do (i.e. being too loud, being dramatic, being annoying, being emotional, etc. -- the criticism would not stop). I would react, and then she would go after me. She would transfer her anger / unhappiness onto me. She gave me the silent treatment and then pretended like she wasn't, was taking space, or just thinking. These denials of her actions led to her gas-lighting me and acting like it was all in my head. In the times I was vulnerable, she projected insecurities onto me, manipulated me to the point of confusion, attacked my character, criticized me, and continuously tried to break me. By the end of just 3 weeks I significantly doubted who I was, even though I acted in the best intentions. In the end, I had to walk out of her room, leave, and not turn back.

You made the right choice.

[crushed_soul]

Haha, yeah, I apologize for my misstatement in that I intended to type "do not mention it."

There is no need to thank me at all.

I wish for you to be well sky457.

Evidently, you seem to be aware that "the transfer of her..." as you typed it is most likely "projection," which is another form of emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation.

Also, the act of her continuing to "criticize" might not be criticism, but another instance of emotional and psychological abuse, whether it is berating or another action. It is an attempt to control.

If you are in pain, suffering, upset and/or just emotionally disappointed with what happened and how what happened, please, consider that you are not just possibly, but also probably saving yourself from more abuse, manipulation, control, devaluation and more.

[WhatsNextNow]

3 weeks really isn't a relationship. I only say that to have you think about how you define situations with other people. You were getting to know each other, extremely early stage. All that drama in a short period of time means you can learn something from it. Just tell yourself, ' phew ! ', and move on.

[sky457]

Yea, I agree, she called me her boyfriend after a little over a week. I knew it was off, but I still went along with it.

[crushed_soul]

Are you of the opinion if she love bombed you?

[sky457]

Absolutely -_-

[graystreet]

It's very possible she has BPD. I'm speaking from the experience of someone who has it and has also engaged in (and is in therapy for engaging in) these behaviors in relationships.

I have a tendency to dive in too quickly, and am dealing with the aftermath of that right now (though it was with someone I'd known for pretty much ever). Anyway, whatever, I don't want to come off as trying to justify the behavior; it's not really excusable. But it comes from a pretty wounded place.

I tend to shy away from relationships because I know how I am, and I know how they usually end. In the rare occasion I do end up dating, I somehow find that guy who is as broken as I am, and it tends to be pretty volatile and destructive for both of us. I'm, fortunately, learning to recognize when things aren't working even when I want them to and starting to be able to back out of things instead of completely sabotage them. Starting to.

Anyway. This isn't about me. Sorry this happened to you.

[sky457]

Hi Gray, that’s no problem and I appreciate your input. I’m well aware that she probably has BPD or narccistic disorder. I didn’t have the heart to tell her, hurt her, and put a weight on her shoulders. That’s something that she’ll have to find herself. Those are the first things that came to mind when she did those things to me.

Do know that I think nothing less of you because of your condition. I have major depression and tend to find the broken as well....

No ones perfect and I still think she’s amazing; she has fought battles that were infinitely bigger than most of what we go through in our lifetimes. But, I had to walk away with what she put me through.