Husbands & porn

Watching images of other people having fun, ***and*** very strongly reacting to them, must be saying something about you one way or another.

Husbands and wives tend to have power struggles.

From where I sit this is not about whether porn is good, bad or whatever. It is about communication and respect.Would it be possible for you and your husband to have an open discussion of the situation? Maybe if you could tell him what about this makes you uncomfortable and he could tell you what needs of his are not being met (if any) the two of you can work out a solution that works for both of you. If he is unwilling to try and resolve the problem I'd consider that a huge red flag.

I'm going to admit that based on my personal experience I learn in favor of the OP in this situation. For those of you who say porn is "normal" and natural, okay, but it becomes a problem when it interferes with a couple's relationship.

My husband was abusive to me in multiple ways. The final straw for me was his interest in porn. We had not had relations for over a year, except for the night he raped me. It was not that I was not willing to have relations with him. (OK, I was not much interested after being raped) It was that he did not touch me or relate to me that way except for the one exception I mentioned. What disturbed and hurt me was that the women he was viewing on line looked like younger versions of me. So he was happy to pleasure himself with on line versions of me, but was not interested in me. At the time I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what should I do differently? I blamed myself for his lack of interest. I'm way healthier today and realize the problem was not with me. It was him!

I have a lot to say about this, but I will parse it down so I don't cross the line. It sounds like the OP and her husband have difference sexual appetites. Just because you get sex regularly does not mean that he or she doesn't also have other things they are curious about or want to try. It's possible the partner isn't interested in those things, so they turn to porn to fulfill that need. This is not about right or wrong. If you find porn has a place in your life, great. If not, that's okay. But what stands out to me is that the OP and her husband do not seem sexually compatible.

I think sex therapy or at the least couple's therapy is in order to address this issue. He is going to continue to do it because he obviously has a need that is being fulfilled through the porn.

From personal experience, there are things I like watching in porn that I, myself, would never actually do. But I enjoy watching them in porn. I don't know if that makes sense. So perhaps these are things he doesn't actually want to do, but watching them turns him on.

I feel like too little is known about the details here to say what is what. Yes, I get that the OP has asked him to stop, and he should not have promised that if he wasn't willing to keep that promise, so that is a red flag there in terms of the commitment to their relationship. The false promises and lying need to be addressed. And then he needs to be honest about whether or not porn is something he will give up or a compromise needs to be reached.

If it truly is a separation of values that cannot be compromised then the question is does the OP want to stay in this relationship.

Sorry if my previous comment was considered rude. I was trying to bring some levity to the conversation. I apologize if this was not appreciated.

Seesawa

I have very strong feelings about it. It has been a deal-breaker. If you feel so strongly about it he should respect that. Likewise you should respect things he finds deplorable. The understanding goes both ways. Although mentioned, watching it with him is not your solution. You shouldn't have to debase yourself to appease him.

It's funny, because someone trying to force me to not watch pornography would be a deal breaker for me, even though I very rarely watch it. Just the whole controlling aspect of it, I think.

Porn, to me, is a completely different beast than a relationship. Pornography is generally used to achieve a quick orgasm when the urge strikes, and nothing more. A relationship and the sex involved in that is a lot more special. But to me, watching porn on occasion does not at all cheapen the relationship. And if I had a partner who tried to enforce a rule of "No porn because I should be enough", they would no longer be my partner!

It's interesting to see the various perspectives and values from people here. To the OP, I would do your partner a favour and either accept that he may watch it sometimes, or break it off and find a partner who feels the same way as you. It is not fair to you that he does not respect your values, nor fair to him that he is forced to do something he doesn't want to (abstain from pornography). It will only build resentment between the two of you.

Scaredandconfused, your post is well presented respectfully states both sides of the argument. I agree that, for me, on either side, it would be about control. I have to add the sense of betrayal when one says they aren’t going to do something and does it anyway. So many factors at play, here.

There is an argument that young men exposed to porn come to expect this false reality of what they think is attractive and how women ought to be treated. It teaches young men to disrespect and objectify women. How can this possibly be argued as positive for society? Is this really the role model you want for your sons?

I agree with you. I think it teaches men to care more about their own pleasure, honestly, since that's what most porn focuses on. And it is NOT love making. There is no emotional intimacy involved whatsoever. It is pure ******.

That being said, I deplore porn and also find it to be a deal breaker with men who watch it. Some women take great offense to it (as do I), and like the OP said, it hurts her feelings and makes her feel betrayed. I feel the same exact way. When a man who is committed to a woman is fantasizing about other women, it's a form of betrayal. Her husband should respect her feelings about this and should abstain from it. And if he cannot, then something is wrong.

I appreciate all your feedback everyone. It really puts my position in perspective. All your posts have been be much considered and have helped me put into consideration my husband's opinion about it. After an in-depth conversation about it he did say he was ashamed of it for how it affects our relationship. I believe it's a work in progress because the tools & temptation are still there. But i will continue to express my feelings about its affect on us as a marriage. Once again thank you all.

Stay true to your own feelings about it, most importantly. I am glad you talked.

I understand if this is the case in your marriage but our marriage is different. The fact that you say that "sometimes" you watch it together says a lot. Perhaps you two find sexual intimacy via different means.

I see a little hint of his implying that he'd want to be more sexually active with you

I'm struck by how open and communicative he seems to be about it, and I think that's great! I do believe you have a good foundation. It isn't a bad thing if you have a problem with it. I have certain issues in relationships, like my SO having very close female friends that they hang out with exclusively (I'm sorry, I've just had bad experiences with it) that other people would be like, "WTF?? You're so ridiculous! You're just going to drive him away!" but hey, it's my issue, it bothers me, and no amount of telling me about alternatives is going to make me feel something different. I appreciate your mature and respectful response to this thread, especially when it's gone off topic as well.

I think you're going to do alright communicating with your husband about this matter; it seems you do well with it here.