Avoiding people who seem to be cold towards you even when you're in a good mood

Does anyone else feel like they have to avoid a certain person or even a group of people if they seem cold towards you even if you're in a good mood? I sometimes feel the need to do that. It happens to me a lot at work. There is a coworker that has a very negative attitude. Always complains. She will go through quick phases where she will be okay with talking to me and acting very cold. She can cycle through in just a few days. It is so frequent I am now used to it. She can literally come up to me and talk to me like she really cares and likes me and then the next day or so, it is as if she can't stand me for a day or so. And the cycle repeats.

The only thing I do now is when I notice she is in her cold phase towards me, I will avoid her. Not because I'm in a bad mood, in fact in most cases I am actually in a good mood. I avoid her because I don't want her negativity and snappy nature to ruin my day. She has ruined my day in the past and I've learned to try to not let her do it again. There has been numerous times before where she may be in this kind of mood but she will still talk to other people so I figured she will be okay with me talking to her too. But as soon as I start talking to her, she either ignores me or is very short with me. Just with me. With the others, she will complain a lot but still talk to the others in a more friendly manner. And in the cases where she does talk to me, she will gossip about another coworker. Actually, sometimes I wonder if her hot and cold nature also stems from a possibility that she may be talking about me too behind my back.

Could this be an indication that she could be gossiping about me too? Has anyone dealt with someone like this who is hot and cold with you repeatedly? I do get annoyed sometimes where she tries to boss me around, mainly because she is not my boss and even complains when she feels like another coworker is trying to boss her around when it is really not the case. I find this coworker to be not just negative, but possibly very insecure with herself. She is 58 and I'm only 27 so it would be hard for me to tell her politely to stop treating me differently and snapping at me when she doesn't do it to others. I feel like she can easily use that against me and say I was disrespectful. I understand she may prefer to talk to others more than to me, but I feel like she can still treat me with respect better and the fact that she is hot and cold with me may mean something is up.

With my other coworkers, they don't get snappy or cold at me as much, but when I hear them gossiping about others, I do tend to leave and avoid them. If one of them comes up to talk to me, which is rare, I will be nice and talk back but at the same time, I won't go out of my way to talk to them especially if they are gossiping. In fact, even though they claim to all be friends, sometimes I wonder if they really are friends since they gossip a lot. I genuinely wonder if their friendships with each other are more superficial than they claim to be. What other ways would you deal with someone who is hot and cold with you, especially if they are way older than you? It makes me think when people are hot and cold with you like that, it could also indicate that they are gossiping and probably secretly feel guilty, as well as having a bad attitude in general. Just curious at what you thought.

Hi, I am sorry you are in this uncomfortable situation.

Generally speaking, people who have a habit of gossiping, gossip about everyone.

It's impossible to know what drives this person's behavior.
Her behaviors are about her and not about you. Don't get hung up on trying to understand her erratic behaviors, just accept her for who she is and remain mindful of what that means.

While it's nice you respect your elders, in a work setting, there is nothing wrong with you kindly setting some boundaries with a co-worker.

I'd be civil at all times; yet, remain mindful of her erratic behaviors. I'd be forgiving; yet, would remember I probably cannot trust her with anything more than a superficial relationship. It's a work relationship. Look for people capable of deeper, more fulfilling relationships in your social life.

Just my two cents!
I wish you the best!

WC

Avoid her if that is what's best for your mental health. She could be hot and cold for any number of reasons. I wouldn't put too much thought into it.

Yeah I agree with you said. I always just worry since I don't want her saying something about me that could cause me harm in the workplace. I agree with what you said though and yes, it is definitely nothing more than a work relationship. In fact, I don't consider any of my coworkers friends. Just simply coworkers. Nothing more.

Oh I know, I always just get nervous since I worry she could say something about me that could harm my reputation at work or even get me in trouble. I am not trying to be friends with her though. I don't consider any of my coworkers friends.

Yes I do try to avoid those types of people as much as i can in life. She seems to have her own issues and im sure your not the only one to get the cold shoulder from her. I used to have a room mate down stairs that would be nice to me one moment and the next give me the cold shoulder. I took it personally and it effected my mood. I hope you can do what you can to avoid her as much as you can and relize it's her not you.

Yeah I don't understand that kind of behavior. Even if she does have other personal problems, which I'm sure she has just like the rest of us, she really shouldn't be taking it out on others like that in my opinion. I never treat people that way even if I'm having a horrible day and feel upset. Avoiding her does help, I just get nervous since I worry she could say something about me and harm my reputation or something since she talks about a couple other coworkers. I know it has to do with her, she most likely has issues and doesn't know how to deal with them in a effective manner. But I agree with you, yeah it is hard to not take it personally but overtime it gets easier to ignore the person.

No she should not take it out on anyone, i can understand why you are so nervous. I would be too it's harder to avoid in a work enviroment. I truly hope she will be called out by some one and relize her behaviour is not going to get her far in life. Im not saying you have to be the one to do it, im sure some body will in her life eventually.

Yeah exactly, I agree. If I was closer to her age and especially if we weren't in a work environment, I would definitely call her out on it politely. I've done it before politely to others my age back in college a couple of times so I know I can do it. It is just the fact that we are at work that prevents me from doing it. People have lost their jobs from appearing to have conflicts with coworkers so that's why I am keeping it silent. One day I won't be at that job anymore so hopefully I can just stick it out until then. I know it can happen at any workplace, but I feel like the place I'm at could be a bit better. Could be a lot worse for sure, but I'm sure it could be better as well. I hope she gets called out on as well, she needs it. In fact, some of the things I've heard her say about the job and just her gossiping in general are grounds for termination so it is possible she could see herself face to face with HR one day if her behavior continues. Best I can do is stay clear and only talk to her if she initiates the conversation.

Thats a good attitude to have

Yeah it's the most I can do.

I'm never in a good mood and haven't felt pleasure in a long time. But I did avoid certain people at work who gave me a bad vibe. It was military work so there were lots of people with big egos.

Oh yeah places that involve the military or even emergency services can create a egotistical environment that can turn toxic.

Uh. for a moment there I thought for sure you were working with my former coworkers. Actually, several of them are retired now and the company eventually went out of business. Most of them worked for the company a long time and would act like they were such good friends with each other, but if one of them was out of the office the others would gossip about that person. One of the women talked openly about her mental health issues.

What people like that are doing are trying to pit coworkers against each other. They are very manipulative people who get a sense of excitement from creating dissonance in the workplace. At my job, I was a major target for those bullies. There were a few people I related to well, but in front of the other coworkers they would ridicule me. I don't think they were necessarily trying to be cruel to me (they did it in a joking manner) but were trying to get in the good graces of the bullies to avoid being targeted themselves.

I did try to get along with everyone, but I was surprised once when a fairly new manager noted in an employee review that I got along with everyone in the office. Since it was obvious that several coworkers didn't like me, I had felt certain it would reflect badly on me. There were other times when managers came to me in private to inform me I was getting a raise and cautioned me not to tell coworkers because not everyone was getting a raise. So, managers will notice your good attitude and it will reflect in your job performance. Someone else's bad attitude toward you will not reflect badly on you.

There was also a woman from a church I went to who was friends with me, but was very condescending toward me at times. I was struggling then with depression because of my physical health and my workplace situation at another job. The woman would criticize me when I confided to her about my work situation, or even my health problems, but would complain about petty differences she had with her own coworkers and her own aches and pains. I finally began avoiding her for the sake of my mental health, other than greeting her. I know it's harder to avoid people you work with, but I do think you're wise to avoid your coworker as much as possible, except when necessary for the job and just to say a cheery "hello" and wish her a nice day.

Since you said this coworker acts cold toward you even when you're in a good mood, I wanted to point out something else about negative people, or bullies, in the workplace. Your being in a good mood may actually set your coworker off.

After my job started getting easier on me physically and I felt better, I began being more upbeat. At first, I pretended to be cheerful just to be sarcastic, but when I began having fun with it I found I actually did feel happier despite my whole work situation. I also found that being cheerful actually annoyed the bullies. They are miserable people who want to make other people's lives miserable, too. But, other coworkers enjoyed my upbeat attitude so it rubbed off on them.

Try to keep a smile on your face no matter what. It might annoy those who are miserable people in the first place, but might bring sunshine to someone else's life. Here is a quote I found which I made my mantra while on that job: