Guys, I am starting to lose my ish

Um, okay. Please, please, please don't judge me too harshly.

I found his *real* phone number. Yep, he'd been giving me an alternate phone number the whole time we were together, one that he could switch off so that, when called, it says "disconnected." I vaguely remember him doing this two years ago.

This man is shady af.

But, of course, I'm turning into someone who is no better. Part of me doesn't like having the wool pulled over her eyes, and it's like I want to prove that I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am. He sat there and laughed at me. He sat there, when I told him, "You think you're so hot all the time and have so many women," and just smirked, raising one eyebrow, because he was one step ahead of me at the time. And then, in the end, he said, "You're done. Because you're stupid. And there's no excuse for stupid."

Anyone calling me stupid is a massive trigger for me.

I didn't find the number by any illegal means whatsoever. I just searched his SCA name. And there it was, perfectly listed.

Guys...I called it (from a throwaway number I have always had). And sure enough, it's him. Guys...I texted it. Dammit, I WANT CLOSURE.

I know I'm treading into dangerous, dangerous territory, here. I know I'm giving him ammo to take me down legally. But I'm so angry. The more I know about just how stupid I was in all of this and how long he was laughing at me...it just makes me feel so powerless. It makes me feel like that little girl all over again, living with my mother, with no say, no ability to fight back.

I know what I should be doing. I know I need to be NC and stay that way. But the feeling of a total lack of power in all areas of this, mental, physical, emotional is just doing such a number on my mind.

****Trigger

It's like I can't stop thinking about how dead eyed he'd get. How he'd just push me down, no foreplay, and start. And then turn me over so he wouldn't have to look at me. It was the worst sex I'd ever had. And he yelled at me during it once, and I started crying, which broke him out of that dead-eyed thing. And I finally told him I never wanted to sleep with him again. That was also the night he left me in Knoxville. Before I came down there, it was all about sweet talk, talking things up and the excitement... When I got there, it was no delivery. I was just a rag doll. I have had a few one night stands in my life (my choice) and yet, I've never felt so used in my life.

******Trigger

It's like he never had any kind feeling toward me whatsoever. It's like he was trying to take me down for years.

I don't even think his story about the abuse he endured from his ex-wife is true. Nothing about that checks out. He told me, "Well, I tolerate her for the sake of my boy." But they are bffs on FB. I almost think it was him that was the abuser, him who had the problems.

WHAT. THE. HELL. DID. I. GET. MYSELF. INTO???

This feels worse than the abuse from when I was a little kid, because at least I saw that coming sometimes, could tell when my mother was gearing up. At least I could steel myself, could understand why my mother did what she did. This was so covert. And I just don't understand why. And it feels like it was just me. Why???

I know nothing I'm doing is helping my healing. I've been trying. But then I just get...stuck.

Praying I don't get myself deep into some crazy legal action. Believe it or not, I want out of this. I don't want to be the crazy chick who can't let go. It just feels like I got hit by a very large, invisible truck.

Might there be better places to focus your energies? I don't think you're making the healthiest of choices.

Obviously. That's why I'm writing on here.

When you called did he hung up? Did he reply to your texts? I really don’t think it warrants legal actions unless you threaten him. He’d just block you from this phone number. It’s easier than taking legal actions. What’s he going to say “this woman keeps texting and messaging me”. It’s not against the law from my understanding.

I think eventually you'd have come to terms that you will never know “why”. We can never know “why”. Even if people tell us reasons, we don’t know if those are real reasons. In his case the only “why” might be that he is predator preying on vulnerable women whom he can overpower. He did what he did because that’s who he is. So that’s your “why”.

Often there is no closure. You are struggling because it’s all fresh. It’s going to get better. You just have to manage these first weeks.

I wasn't trying to be mean. I asked that to ask the next question.
How do you think you could use your energies and time that would be healthier choices?

I'm not really in a place where I can consider how to use my energies to make better choices. I'm sorry.

*TRIGGER*

I'm cutting for the first time in 20 years. I just want out of this disgusting body.

No, it was 230 in the morning. He was probably ****ing K, to be honest. I did send a text. I'm too tired to explain ALL of what I said. I did say I wasn't interested in using the number more than once, but I was interested in knowing what the point of keeping me around for these two years was if he didn't even feel he could give me his real number, if I was stressing him out as much as he said, if he couldn't keep the one promise I asked of him. I said it didn't benefit him; there had to have been other women in his orbit who were far less work than I was. I said was it THAT MUCH of an ego boost to bring me all the way to TN? Because the fallout had to negate any of that. I wanted to know what the point of all the sweet talk since November was if it was all just a lie; surely it would have been easier just to let me go. He likes to say he doesn't owe me things but yes, after two years of trying and thirteen years of friendship I feel he owes me this. I said it's up to him if he wants to turn me in but to keep in mind, it's a domestic dispute, I have no priors, and he's not going to come out looking so good in this, either. I said it would benefit him much more to just tell me why the hell he bothered with all of this in the first place. I said I wasn't mad at him, because I don't honestly think this was personal to ME. I'm just mad at the situation he put me in.

I doubt he'll reply. I kind of just like the fact that he knows I found the number. I effing hate that he made me feel stupid all this time.

And it is actually against the law. If someone asks you to stop contacting them, and you continue to do so more than twice, it's considered stalking.

When do you see your pdoc or t? I don’t know if you are on any medication but maybe something for anxiety would lessen what you are feeling. I am sorry you SI.

Yes if he told you to stop contacting him, then yes. I didn’t realize he told you to not contact him.

I've seen my pdoc and T plenty. I just got put on Klonopin. It makes me sleepy, that's it.

Oh yes. He told me not to contact him or else he'd get legal, that he had texts and the recording of me "hitting" him, which is a whole lot of BS that he recorded while laughing at me as I cried hysterically. I told him to go ahead and get legal. That was 3 weeks ago.

For all I know, he's been compiling texts since the beginning. This guy is a piece of ****.

Like I said though...is he going to get a PPD? Fine. I live 4 states away. I have zero desire to go back to East Tennessee. Is he going to file stalking charges? He can't afford a lawyer. I'm not planning on bugging him. I'm just angry and want to know what the hell happened.

Everything I've contacted him through is listed publicly. Anytime I've contacted him, I've said I want nothing to do with him, I just want answers.

I understand. The reality is that you won’t get answers. Sadly. Even if he tells you why, he lied so much, you’ll never know the truth. Just have your own answers. He is an *****. Thats what a$$holes do. That’s your answer

J: She has a history of being a little bit stalker-ish so I felt I had to give her a different phone number in order to protect myself

Judge: But... you still chose to allow her into your hotel room in Detroit?

J: Yes, your honor. But then she had a tendency to text bomb when she was upset.

Judge: And yet, you also chose to engage in a 4 month (or 2 year, give and take some) relationship with her?

J: Yes, your honor.

Judge: And you were so wary of her that you also gave her your home address so she could visit you, and stay with you for six days at this address in Tennessee?

J: Yes, your honor.

Judge: ....

I'm pretty sure all I'll get at this point is narcissistic rage, anyway. It's real, and it is frightening.

He's full of crap with the legal. Worst case scenario for you, the cops show up at your door and tell you to cut it out.

He's not going to give you any closure. He can't explain his actions because there is no good explanation. I hope it starts to get more tolerable for you soon, it takes a lot of time Can you go back to no contact?

I'm almost positive he's full of crap as well. Can't afford a lawyer, and too much of his dirt would come out, making his "poor me" story that he's trying to paint for everyone else invalid. He's deactivated his Instagram, but of course he has to maintain his Facebook because how else would he flirt, and show everyone his amazing selfies?? (He's 46 y/o and looks 10 years older. Not amazing. I fell for this guy when he was 33 and hot...he SOOO doesn't look the same!)

I'm pretty much aware that he's not going to give closure. For one thing, I don't think he's got a good reason, like you said. For another, he is fully aware that no closure is killing me. He knows I was planning on ending this relationship at the end of our visit, and I think this was his way tearing me limb from limb for daring to do so. When he started sleeping with K is when I started heavily doubting him, actually. So of course he had to have another supply lined up, though I suspect he's had someone else the whole way through.

I just wish I could appeal to the intellectual side (somehow, I could always get through to him that way) to understand that this was an incredibly ****** and irresponsible thing to do.

PS Is it possible to have a bench warrant out for this? Because cops from my city are so not going to worry about an issue from 650 miles away. They'd be like yeah, we have 100 cases like this a week. Get in line.

What can you do to make yourself feel better? You are not going to get any satisfaction from him.

You are raging because the rejection and being used and abused hurts. You are hoping for a kind word that you are not going to get from him.

Why cut yourself and hurt yourself further? At least stop yourself from doing that. That’s the least you can do for yourself.

This is not meant as judgmental or an attack, but I have a different perspective.

Everyone is assuring you that you won't get into any legal trouble, but the definition of stalking is two unwanted contacts. If he is keeping a log of your unwanted contact, he could get a restraining order. Would you be able to restrain yourself if there was an order of protection?

Regardless of your motivations, at this point it's clear you are unable to control yourself when it comes to contacting him. I apologize if this has been asked before, but do you have a therapist you can discuss this with? I am worried for you that you're turning into something you are not.

I understand from what you've described in your motivations that you just want closure, but listening to you say you looked up his phone number, called from a throwaway number, that you just HAVE to have closure before you'll stop, that's kind of scary to me. It sounds like an obsession at this point.

I am NOT defending his actions at all. He's a reprehensible person, AND it's most likely he WANTS this to happen. He WANTS to turn you into a dangerous stalker AND you're playing into his hand.

I think he could parlay this into legal action. It is harassment and it's bordering on stalking behavior. Don't let him put this label on you. Do your best to walk away now and focus on other things. You will NEVER get the closure you want from him. It's part of his abuse to cut you off and make you suffer.

In a way, you're enabling him to continue to abuse you by continuing to give him the contact that he wants so that he can reject you.

I hope this helps.

Seesaw

I'll bet you are in a place to decide what to do with yourself. You're doing it always. Like it or not, you are making decisions, even in mental illness' depths, we all still make decisions.
*Trigger warning*
As an example, I was at my lowest point ever in '16, suicidal every day. I finally looked at all my pills and opened all of them. At the last second before I grabbed the first bottle, I chose my phone to call for help.
*End of trigger*
So even at our lowest, we can make healthy decisions.

There are some things in life that iur best clisure is walking away & letting go no matter how hurt & ENTITLED to closure we feel we are.

I was in a sutuation where I caught the home care person financially & emitionally abusing my mom who was dying of cancer. She had ties to my mom's boyfriend & his daughter. I got the police involved but evidence was circumstancial & I stopped payment on the checks before I kbew they would be evidence. She disappeared after the police got involved. My mom died shortly after that all happened. To this day I will NEVER have closure on why she did what she did. I think the daughter was using her to get even with my mom & try to get financial money to get even fir "using"her dad (who had the beginnings of alzheimers) to look after her & take her to appointments after she dudn't want me involved & asking her MD'S questions.

I will NEVER get closure on my 33 year marriage I finally walked out on. He is mentally incapable of that & definitely financially incapable of even takibg care if himself & let the house go into foreclosure instead if communicating with me & selling it thus destroying my credit because my name couldn't be removed from the house until it was sold.

There are just so many things in life that we will NEVER know why someone behaves in ways that hurt us whether intentional or because if their own mental unwellness.

We can't afford to base our own happiness on what others do in our lives & lead a meaningful life if our own.

Just to protect yourself you might have to completely stop any contact. He isn’t to be trusted. He is full of crap and has no leg to stand on but he could cause you ton of stress and make your life he$$

Unfortunate situation is that you came to see him twice. He didn’t visit you either time. I thought he went to see you in your town. You drove to see him in Detroit (when he was there for business) and then you drove to TN to see him. I agree that he didn’t have to let you visit neither time. And I know that he was encouraging and inviting both times but he could spin it differently.

He’d spin that he was maybe afraid of you hence he went along? Judge might believe it for all we know.

I am not saying he was afraid but theoretically it’s possible. And he is a good liar. He wouldn’t spin it as it was s relationship. He’d spin as he was pursued stalked and followed and when he said it’s enough he is now being harassed.

I personally don’t think he’ll take any legal actions but it’s better to be cautious. You don’t want to jeopardize your career. You are RN, so is my husband. His ex promised to ruin his career because he “dared” to file for divorce. Well she of course couldn’t because she had nothing against him (she continued trying even after he remarried) but she caused him so much stress he ended up changing jobs and moving two hours away. This dude knows where you work. He could start making nasty phone calls like my husband’s ex.

Just promise yourself to never contact him again.

When you feel like contacting him again come on here and rage and vent. Let the steam out.

Yeah, just write him your rage filled letter here and we'll all cheer you on for "giving it to him"!

Exactly!!!

And of course the number is disconnected.

I told him, once upon a time (when I trusted him) that the worst thing someone could do to me is not give me closure,

I’m not sure why he picked me to do all of this to. There isn’t anything special about me that he couldn’t get in Tennessee. But the difference between me and those other women is that I have been through rejection multiple times by people meant to love me. I’ve been through people supposed to care about me and dumping me by the side of the road...literally.

It isn’t about him; he’s fat, balding and inconsequential. But I don’t think I’m going to survive this.

That makes me so profoundly sad.

I told him several times I wasn’t sure I’d want to come to Detroit; it was the day after I came home from Scotland, and I wasn’t sure I’d want to get back on the road again after transcontinental travel, and driving home from Chicago. He was like well, you decide what you need to do but I’d love to see you. I can’t wait to see you. Every day leading up to the day, just before he got on the plane in TN, just as he got off the plane in Detroit...I can’t wait to see you. That doesn’t sound like a scared man to me.

I was getting to a point where I didn’t want to go to Tennessee. I had a broken foot, funds were low, he was being unnecessarily cruel the week leading up to it. But still “I am so excited for you to come. I can’t wait to have you in my arms.” Every day he’d say that.

Did I save any texts? Of course not. But I’m sure they can be obtained if need be.

I know how I’ll look if he decided to pursue this. I wasn’t always the most stable, especially when he pushed buttons and stirred the pot like he did so well. But believe me, if I can get a court to get my text transcripts, he’ll look horrible. It would poke holes all through his poor me, she’s always been a stalking harasser story, and I don’t think he wants that.

What this kind of people tell others has no validity. Try to forget about him. He is in your past. Luckily it will be distant past soon. Imagine you got involved with him longer and THEN he revealed his true nature!!!