Selfish MEN! - Grrrrrrrrrrr

Post deleted per request of OP.

sorry will not post again here. I was not and prolly never have been politically correct. LOL

Is just my truth
Hope things work out for you

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muffy said:
sorry will not post again here. I was not and prolly never have been politically correct. LOL

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Muffy - please by all means POST in here......... I am just asking that the post stay with in the topic at hand - "Selfish Men" (which by title leaves the non-selfih men out of the anger that may get expressed in the thread).

BTW - my last reply was not about your post - I just happened to submit my post right after you did yours..... Its All Good.

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seeker1950 said:
I agree with you, Rhapsody, that maybe we are trying to be politically correct. Actually, I could post a novel here about my experiences with "selfish men."

But having read all the responses from women as well as men, many of which point the finger toward the accuser as having issues which bring this onto themselves, I am wondering that maybe there is inherently something wrong with ME...

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Thanks for the Reply....... the understanding.

and I understand what you are saying and that is why I learned a few years back NOT to take every thing I read, see, or others say to personally for in reality it is probably more about ME than them....... Inner RESONATION comes in all shape size and form.

* * * * * * *

I basically use this SCALE to decide if the matter is about ME or the SUBJECT at hand:

If what is happening should only require an upset of 2 or 3 on the old Emotion Scale and I am giving it a 6 or higher at the moment - then it is more likely an unresolved issue about me (my past) and not about the event that is actually taking place in the present.

... my therapist taught me this.

Hey Rhap, I don't know if this is true for you, but I tend to stay too long in bad relationships (and jobs, too, as a matter of fact). I tend to feel that if I try harder, the situation will get better.

I think that somewhere we got the message that everything is our fault. So, the solution must be up to us, too. I even thought that I was good because I could love unlovable people.

Others would run for their life the first time someone in a new relationship hurt or disappointed them. Hmmm, this sounds a lot like the psychology of women who stay in abusive relationships.

The person (or composite) you describe sounds like a miserable person to be around. Are you still in the relationship?

Ok, Rhap - can I try a different way than I did before? Here is your list:
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Rhapsody said:
Examples:
1.) Only does things he wants - rarely does what you want or ask for.
2.) Goes to only one grown adult childs children birthday party - forgets the rest of the grandchildren.
3.) Will drive work van while car is broken for his needs / desires, but not when you ask.
4.) Refused to watch the kids for his wife - when you ask her out on the town once a month.
5.) Refuses sex 90% of the time when you ask for it - but wants you to be willing when he needs it.
6.) Will not buy food for his own kids (I help this family out) but he will spend money on things he wants.
7.) Spends all his extra time after work (all of it) playing video games and none with you when asked.
8.) Works full time and refuses to help around the house - every thing else is your responsibility.
9.) When you ask for help - he waits 30 minutes then comes to help when you are almost finished.
10.) Rarely keeps his promises to YOU.

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It would be a little easier to provide support if you were specific to your situation rather than about selfish men in general. So, can we assume that we're talking about your husband in most/all of the points you listed? I hope this isn't presumptuous, but in the spirit of providing support, I replaced "you" with "I", below:

1.) Only does things he wants - rarely does what I want or ask for.
Support: I'm sorry about that. It does indeed seem selfish. What are some examples of things you want or ask for that he refuses to do?

2.) Goes to only one grown adult childs children birthday party - forgets the rest of the grandchildren.
Support: How does he respond when you explain how it probably hurts the feelings of the other grandchildren (and their parents)? And why do you think he does this? Are the other kids younger, and does he have a more difficult time with, say, infants, than he does with 7 year olds?

3.) Will drive work van while car is broken for his needs / desires, but not when I ask.
Support: Do you mean that sometimes you need the car for yourself, but he takes it anyway and leaves his work van behind? Why do you think he does that? What is his response?

4.) Refused to watch the kids for his wife - when I ask her out on the town once a month.
Support: Are you referring to the husband of one of your friends? Yes, that does seem selfish, I agree. Unless she goes out often as it is, and maybe he just doesn't want yet another night of having to watch the kids while his wife is out having fun. But that would only be the case if he said no to her ALL the time.

5.) Refuses sex 90% of the time when I ask for it - but wants me to be willing when he needs it.
Support: Yes, I agree that it sounds like selfish behavior, but I'd also wonder about control issues, which are different than selfishness. You've been married for a long, long time so I know that you know your husband well, but do you think that tweaking your approach might give you different results?

6.) Will not buy food for his own kids (I help this family out) but he will spend money on things he wants.
Support: Report this guy to child protection...

7.) Spends all his extra time after work (all of it) playing video games and none with me when asked.
Support: I'm not sure how selfish this really is, or if I'm wrong, then I'm selfish too (although I don't play video games). Not sure what kind of job he has, but my work day is very intellectually intense. Many days after work, I'm really not capable of holding a conversation with anyone - I need to do something mindless to chill out first. Yes, sometimes I know that my husband is itching to talk to me, but if I have had a hard day and I'm already frazzled, then it's very, very difficult for me to focus on what he needs. Is it selfish? I don't know - I think of it as knowing what I need and giving it to myself so that I can be a better partner later. My ex-husband used to hate that when I'd come home after a week working in another city, the first thing I'd do is go through my mail. He absolutely despised that about me, and was very demanding that I leave the mail alone and talk to him first. Honestly? I thought THAT was a selfish request. We have to be able to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. Of course, I'm talking on a day-to-day basis. If my husband truly needed me on a specific occasion or issue, I'd drop everything for him.

8.) Works full time and refuses to help around the house - every thing else is my responsibility.
Support: Ok, as with the previous issue, I'm probably the last person who should respond to this. As someone who works out of the house full-time AND who supports another adult, I have a hard time with the concept that I'm supposed to work my butt off 50-60 hours/week plus take on additional household responsibilities. I do it, of course, because if I don't then my house would not be up to my standards of cleanliness and organization, but I do resent that I should have to be the breadwinner and be responsible for house chores at the same time.

9.) When I ask for help - he waits 30 minutes then comes to help when I am almost finished.
Support: I used to complain about this with our T, too. But one thing she coached me about is that I have a sense of urgency about being productive at all times, but my husband doesn't always agree with my priorities, so naturally he's not going to drop everything when I say I need help with whatever I happen to think is important at the moment. I didn't really think of it as selfish with my husband, but rather that he didn't like people demanding that he do something. What I had to learn how to do is: 1) level my expectations about what other people think is important, and 2) learn how to ask instead of demand. I'm still not very good at it (I can be bossy, as you probably guessed) but once she pointed it out to me, I realized that I probably would drag my feet about caving into someone else's demands that I do what they need, depending upon how they requested it.

10.) Rarely keeps his promises to ME.
Support: I'm sorry he doesn't keep his promises to you, Rhapsody. What do you think is going on with him about that? Does he reluctantly make the promises, or is he enthusiastic at the time but then later forgets? What's his version of this?

I hope it wasn't too presumptuous to assume it is your husband in most of the issues above (except where I could surmise that you're talking about a friend's husband). It just wasn't clear how to support you without being specific.

What do you think? Please know that I'm trying to provide the support that you've been asking for but haven't really received much of in this huge thread. Sometimes support means saying "I'm really sorry to hear about it", which I can do if that's the kind of support you're asking for, and sometimes support means saying "yeah, I feel the same way", which I can't do unless it's true. The best way I can support a friend is to offer a different perspective and ask questions to help the friend explore her issue. In this vein, I am trying my best to be supportive to you.

Kindly,
LMo

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LMo said:
Ok, Rhap - can I try a different way than I did before?

So, can we assume that we're talking about your husband in most/all of the points you listed?

2.) Goes to only one grown adult childs children birthday party - forgets the rest of the grandchildren.
Support: How does he respond when you explain how it probably hurts the feelings of the other grandchildren (and their parents)? And why do you think he does this? Are the other kids younger, and does he have a more difficult time with, say, infants, than he does with 7 year olds?

4.) Refused to watch the kids for his wife - when I ask her out on the town once a month.
Support: Are you referring to the husband of one of your friends? Yes, that does seem selfish, I agree. Unless she goes out often as it is, and maybe he just doesn't want yet another night of having to watch the kids while his wife is out having fun. But that would only be the case if he said no to her ALL the time.

6.) Will not buy food for his own kids (I help this family out) but he will spend money on things he wants.
Support: Report this guy to child protection...

10.) Rarely keeps his promises to ME.
Support: I'm sorry he doesn't keep his promises to you, Rhapsody. What do you think is going on with him about that? Does he reluctantly make the promises, or is he enthusiastic at the time but then later forgets? What's his version of this?

I hope it wasn't too presumptuous to assume it is your husband in most of the issues above (except where I could surmise that you're talking about a friend's husband). It just wasn't clear how to support you without being specific.

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Just wanted to let you know that these few listed above (# 2 4 6 10) were NOT about my husband.... they are about other males that are either family or friends - and they just add to my disbelief in how selfish some men can be.

I will work on the other numbers that were about my husband (and some of the other men as well) later on tonight when I have a little more time.....

ah - I suspected about 4 & 6, and maybe about 2. About keeping the promises, there could be so many reasons for that, so let's talk about some specific examples if you feel like it, ok?

Hang in there and know that I care,
LMo

muffy - what you failed to mention is that the reason most men are fire fighters and on the line is because women arent allowed. men actually said, we dont want "our women" getting killed in battle. so don't act like thats a act of nobility - its an act of oppression. women want to join and they want to be fire fighters but the scrutiny they face, hazing that goes on and amazingly lower pay is what keeps them out. they keep women out of the military and when they do get in they are raped, harrassed and constantly abused. women fire fighters get the same treatment. and remember that yes, men are out fighting wars. but dont pretend to be ignorant to the fact that over seas they are raping women, abusing women etc...

its societies fault. but that is still the outcome.

so most men are firefighters or in the military because women arent allowed? they wanted to oppress women so that is why they joined? As far as firefighters go pay is based upon your rank and time in the job. Women do not get lower pay than men in their same rank and same time on the job. Promotions are usually based on written examinations until the very top positions. Eveyone was hazed, it was a way of determining if the person could take the pressure in order to gauge as to wether they could be trusted to be there when lives are on the line. Suddenly as women came on these jobs, they felt it was just aimed at them when its a long tradition. As far as women being constantly raped in the fire department that is a new one on me. Women who got the job through judicial decree were harassed when they first came on the job. Women today,who take the same test as men and pass are having a much different positive experience and for the most part are accepted. As far as the military, much of the same applies, and in Iraq they have been involved in many firefights. I would agree with you that they should be allowed on the front lines and if a draft ever occurs again that they also should be drafted along with men.

While I appreciate the discussion that has taken place here, this thread has run it's course.

Thank you all for your insights.

Jan