Friend is whiner and complainer

Well, I think the best advice is how we need to protect ourselves and lower our expectations of our friends. In talking about this today I realize I can't expect much from my friend. I have always been the stronger one. It makes me sad. I could use a couple of strong friends. Maybe in the future....I will meet some.

This friend whines and complains too much. I will keep her as a more distant friend and draw the line and not let her complain so much at me. And I am also going to watch my own self and not complain too much to others.

Fini.

I think adjusting expectations seems sensible rather than abandoning the friendship.

Sometimes we just have to accept we aren't going to change people and they likely won't change themselves either. Sounds like your friend has coped with quite a lot recently (loss of parent, marriage problems) and your description of how she has lost her spark is sad, she must be aware of this on some level even if she does not admit it and is projecting how she feels onto others.

I respect your loyalty to her and maybe things will settle in the future into a happier friendship again. I hope so!

Thanks. These are not recent developments. It's been over three years since her mother passed on. Her marital problems have been ongoing for decades and decades. On a happier note she has a new lovely granddaughter, and there are other positive developments in her life. Our relationship is structured so that she doesn't feel she needs to ask how I am doing when she emails or sends a card. I'm sure if I wait until things settle into a happier future we will both be dead.

It's not good to be too accommodating to others. It just reinforces their bad behavior. Having said all that, I won't abandon her.

I haven't taken such a strong and close look at this friend until writing this thread and it has revealed a lot. Maybe this week I reached the tipping point.

Why I don't want to abandon this friend:

Her memory is better than mine. She remembers everything from our childhood. She remembers the color of my bike and our favorite swimming holes and TV shows. She remembers foods we ate, boys we had crushes on, and even our dreams. She is literally the keeper of the memories.

Our dear mothers are both dead. We have the memories of our mothers, together.

We have secret words and nicknames from childhood.

We had many, many, many adventures together. Our childhood was kind of like living in a Nancy Drew book. We had dramatic lives because between us we had 12 siblings...most of them wild boys.

We can remember when we were young, beautiful, and sexy. We were both pretty sexy girly girls. We dated two brothers in high school. We were still having adventures in high school.

She had the greatest sense of humor. I am waiting for it to return. We used to laugh so much we would get out of breath and feel faint.

I love her like a sister. Is all. (And she's always acted like a Princess so that isn't really anything new. She never outgrew it.)

I went back and found this thread because I remember writing it last year. Well, it has been a whole year and nothing has changed with this friend. The same old thing.

Only thing new is I have decided she is a malignant narcissist.

She probably kept coming back into my life to use me as narcissistic supply.

I didn't see it because I didn't want to see it. With the years she has grown cruel and even boundary setting doesn't work with her.

"No Contact" is the only way to end this long friendship.