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#26
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Sounds like it's time to sit back after your nice little email to her & let her be the next to apologize. If she doesnt then I would definitely accept that there is a time & a season for everything under the sun. Sometimes long time friendships just do disolve because we do change & grow over time....even growing out of friendships that were able to be tolerated in our younger years.
Let her make the next move if there is to be one. That term....."the ball is in her court"would be appropriate right about now.
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![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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#27
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Is she in therapy? I would strongly encourage her to be in therapy, group therapy too.
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![]() Buffy01, DechanDawa
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#28
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When my friend was young she was very beautiful, like movie star gorgeous. She had long strawberry blond hair, piercing blue eyes, and a graceful figure. She had a lovely devilish sense of fun. She was very creative, and was a painter. So my memories of her kind of cloud my perceptions. Now she is pretty brittle and bitter and nothing makes her happy. It drives me nuts because she has a lot to be happy about. She dwells on the negative all the time. I guess I don't recognize who she has become.
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#29
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She says she cannot afford private therapy. I suggested grief counseling because often this is offered free but she won't go to any group activity.
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#30
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I have a friend I always vent complaints with regarding meds, MH professionals, etc. She always responds than says "Keep in touch". I can't tell whether it bugs her or if I'm a burden or not.
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#31
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Yes, I completely agree with you. If she doesn't want me in her life, so be it. I also believe you can't push the river. If someone doesn't want to be your friend...you cannot convince them of it. On today of all days I don't want to dwell on negativity but rather stay on a more spiritual plain.
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#32
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Yes, yes, yes. I agree. But we all need to seek out help if possible.
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#33
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Okay. So they refuse a marriage counselor and torture each other. I don't understand it. ![]()
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Last edited by DechanDawa; Mar 30, 2018 at 01:03 PM. |
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#34
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Does she complain back? Then it becomes like therapy without resolution. Or does she just listen? That is kind of still like therapy without resolution, I guess. I am guilty of same but I try not to do it.
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#35
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It has been soooooooooo helpful to talk this out. For a few days my energy has been stuck. Now I feel a bit free. Thank you, everyone. The situation is sad but I feel more prepared to face it honestly. From discussion here I see that it is a complicated relationship and I should not expect too much from it. It will also be sad to end the friendship after a long life of being friends...but if that is the outcome I will try to accept it.
I think friendship needs respect and I am going to try to remember that above all else.
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#36
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NEWS FLASH! MY FRIEND JUST RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL.
Did she apologize? Are you kidding? I realized something about her. She NEVER apologizes. She just went on about how dire and bleak her life is. Okay. So I have to accept the fact that she is a dyed-in-the-wool depressive for life. If you gave her a castle she would find it drafty. If you gave her a crown it would be too heavy. If you gave her jewels they would be too sparkly. She needs CBT and some serious cognitive re-structuring...which was my original advice to her. She scoffed at the idea of "self-help" books. Do some people really just want to suffer? She said her husband said she has a martyr complex. I wonder... ![]()
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Last edited by DechanDawa; Mar 30, 2018 at 11:35 AM. |
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#37
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How infuriating. My friend simply doesn't see a glass half full. She only sees a glass half empty.
She is just an anxious depressive. I don't think I can handle her in my life. But THANK YOU TISH B...because I followed your advice and I am glad I did. My friend and I are again speaking. Thank you, all, for your kind words and advice. But at this time I must keep this friend at arm's length as her "aura" is too toxic for me.
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#38
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Reading (listening)
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#39
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If you want keep being her friend. You should definitely tell her to get professional help and get her a journal to vent in.
+ I did not read the whole thread |
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#40
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She doesn't like to write. Would never keep a journal. She doesn't take suggestions easily. That's how this latest argument started...because I made some suggestions like finding a grief counseling center and doing group work because she has complicated grief. I can't serve as her long distance case worker. I have enormous problems of my own. I can only just keep being her friend on whatever level I am able.
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#41
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#42
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Yeah, but she is a lifelong friend. I won't abandon her. I will simply lower my expectations. She did respond to my email today so that is positive. I feel sorry for her because she has a lot to be grateful for but she doesn't see it. She put down CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) but it has actually helped me to clean up some cognitive distortions. As well, I have become active spiritually and have joined a congregation and it is helping me socially and community-wise. I think the lesson is...not to use our friends as therapists...and not to let them use us that way. I learned a lot from everyone's comments, and everyone's feedback was invaluable. I was in a lot of emotional pain and that has lifted enabling me to have more compassion for my friend. Thank you! As we all know, depression can be a b----! Throw anxiety on top...and it is like dynamite! As long as my friend is responsive I will never abandon the friendship. However, this is head's up to me to apply more self-care in my life.
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#43
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#44
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#45
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I am sorry to hear that
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#46
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#47
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#48
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#49
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Haha, my friend isn't going to change for anyone. Certainly not me!! She is a very rigid. She's a control freak. If I made demands I am sure she would simply not understand. In her mind she is always right. But I already told her in my recent email that I don't tolerate verbal abuse in my life...so I think she might modify her behavior in that regard. She remembers my family of origin which was very emotionally abusive...so she probably knows I won't tolerate her being verbally abusive towards me. Because I won't. That's where I draw the line. Since my friend did respond to my email today I am willing to not end the friendship or abandon her. Frankly, that is too traumatic for me (I think both of us) right now. But I am going to hold her at arm's length, as Tish B recommended. I think that is the best strategy. (I don't save personal emails. I discard them at the end of every day.)
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#50
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