Hi everyone.

I think this might be the best place to put this thread; sorry if it's not.

I just went through a very painful split with someone--enough pain to not talk about it openly yet (but my T is aware at least). He and I only dated for a few weeks. I am constantly in a cycle of going on dating sites and getting my heart broken, and I think this is turning into a problem. It's much easier said than done to simply leave the sites/apps because I keep getting back on them within a week, or even within 24 hours of a split. I never allow myself time to heal. I keep drowning in fear that I'll never be able to feel or find love with my depressive and anxiety disorders. But each time I get back on a site/app, I feel desperate.

I honestly have issues with becoming attached with people romantically very, very, very quickly and then having them split with me very quickly as well. I feel like I'm starting to sink into a cycle that I just really want to break out of, but I feel weak when this feels like a powerful cycle... I'll be seeing my T tomorrow. My T is already aware of my situation, but I'm starting to really, really feel bothered.

Has anyone else perhaps faced a similar issue? If so, do you have any tips or advice as I try to break this cycle? I live in a fairly loveless environment. It's a bit cold (emotionally), so I can kind of see how this cycle has formed.

Thank you for any insight.

[graystreet]

I have been in this cycle somewhat in the past. The best advice I can give you, and I know it's hard, is to delete your profiles for a while. And I'm not talking a week, I'm talking like, at least 6 months. When you're feeling brokenhearted, that is not the time to be searching for a relationship because when you're trying to heal yourself, you have nothing to give another person. One possible reason you are unsuccessful in these relationships so quickly is that other people can pick up on your pain.

Self-care is incredibly important in this time. Please consider taking time for yourself in order to heal.

[Shazerac]

I like graystreet’s advice. Especially if you have a tendency to get romantically attached very quickly. This is not healthy and you may be scaring people off.

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree about deleting your accounts

[carcrashonrepeat]

I am very similar. I would go through cycles of online dating and feel disgusted and empty with myself. At this point it's because I know that I will become attached too quickly and when I want to I will do whatever I need to in order for the other person to stay. It leaves me exhausted with my futile efforts. And I tend to go for relationships that are inevitably going to fail, thus continuing the vicious cycle.

I definitely agree to delete those accounts and give yourself some time off from dating. If you haven't already, you can talk to you T about strategies you can use to develop healthier relationships. But in the meantime focus on you and fulfilling your own desires and goals.

Ugh this is such a struggle!

Thanks all. I'm in a bad place right now emotionally. I feel very hurt and broken right now. I'm very used to feeling this way, but it still hurts all the same. I've deleted my accounts, and I'll try to keep them deleted for perhaps 6 months or so. Knowing me, 6 months is a very long time, but I think if I can maybe break up the 6 months into bi-weekly and eventually monthly goals of not being on dating sites, that might help me a little bit more than just aiming for the 6 months. I also recognize that 6 months might not be enough time..., so I'll just have to keep that in mind too.

I really like the idea of staying away for awhile--more than just a week, I mean. I also didn't consider the feelings of a potential partner as much either. They might be scared away or kind of not interested if they pick up on my issues and feelings quickly (edit: so long as I haven't taken the time to heal and take time for myself/self-care). Very true...

I'll definitely have to keep talking with my T... I still feel a lot of pain right now, and I'm very much looking forward to meeting with my T later today...

Thank you all.

[Emotionally Dead]

It's difficult, because almost everyone wants love. We want to find love and we want it to be just like "in the movies". Sad part is, that isn't the case the majority of the time. Ms. or Mr. Perfect aren't usually going to just bump into you one day on a crowded street. It's quite possible, but unlikely.

Point is, we usually have to work on it. We have to build it. I think "love at first sight" is definitely possible, but I wouldn't say it's common. My only suggestion for you would be to look for friends first. Be patient, and take things slow. That's easier said than done, but if you look for friends rather than a lifelong partner it could be beneficial in many ways. I have always believed that many relationships that begin as friends tend to work much better than those that don't.

[graystreet]

Well, one thing I'd like to point out, because I unfortunately have experience with this: When you are hurting and looking for love, it tends to shine like a beacon for people who don't have the best intentions in mind going into a relationship. When I went into my last relationship, I didn't see myself as particularly vulnerable, but I think it's because I'm used to my past history of childhood abuse, and see nothing of letting some of it show on the surface. I also thought nothing of talking about how all I want is to make a home of my own because I never really had that growing up. That's a lot of vulnerability showing on the surface all at once, and someone whose main goal in relationships is manipulation is going to have a field day with that. I was like a narcissist's Disneyland. (Though I'm not saying it was all my fault, I'm just saying I didn't make the best decisions for myself.)

Because this relationship was with a man I'd been friends with for a very long time, and had gotten to know (so I thought), when we were both going through a very intense emotional time in our lives back in 2005, I trusted him very quickly. Cut to the beginning of March, and I'm leaving a very short-lived, long distance relationship (which had several false starts over the last two years) shell-shocked because I'd been the victim of narcissistic abuse. And the man I thought I knew never existed. It is what it is, and I'm mostly healed (mostly), and I don't say that to scare you. I'm just saying it to emphasize how important it is to heal that hurt before you try to go out there again, lest you end up getting even more hurt and traumatized on top of it. Because, believe me, I would just as soon give up dating than go through all that again.

Thank you both. Actually, Emotionally, my best relationships (though ultimate failures) ended up being with men who were friends first. Very good point I hadn't fully thought through as much... Thank you!

Gray, thank you for sharing. I think you're very right. Unfortunately, I was involved with someone who sort of "preyed" on my vulnerability once, and I appreciate that you've been able to verbalize this kind of experience--as it's helped me put some words into how I was manipulated in this situation... In sum, I see what you mean about healing first. I didn't really think about dating and potentially ending up in an unfortunate situation again considering the pain I've already been experiencing. With all this in mind, I too would rather give up dating for awhile. Definitely good reason to support this form of abstinence.

Thank you all. I have been feeling a bit better these days by realizing that he's not worth my time considering all this pain. While I still feel numb, I've been trying to self-care a bit more. I even gave my hair a different shade by dying it. Just one example of the self-care. I'm still working with my T right now. My T is gift and a blessing, much like all of you and the PC forum. I really hope to dive deeper into the self-care and healing process instead of resorting back to dating, which is certainly a change for me...

Originally Posted by graystreet

Well, one thing I'd like to point out, because I unfortunately have experience with this: When you are hurting and looking for love, it tends to shine like a beacon for people who don't have the best intentions in mind going into a relationship.

Spot on. You need to ensure you are sending out vibes that instead of being a victim that you are strong and full of confidence. You need to be proactive when you 'meet' these men. That means asking lots of questions and standing firm to your criteria. Don't give up one because you think the person is a 'nice guy' and might come around. Listen to your 'spidey senses'; your intuition is generally right. Don't fall into the trap of "if he pays me attention he obviously likes me". Ensure your selection criteria is narrowly defined. Again, don't trap yourself by accepting something because maybe it might work. So re-evaluate your description and criteria. Don't settle for anything less.

When it comes to meeting these men and the wish to pursue relationships with them, STOP! Look at the situation from the point of view of a friend or outsider. Would they think this appropriate and be supportive? What would you say to yourself.

Practise some self-care. That means pulling yourself away from the computer. Ensure you get out of the house at least once daily. Hide away those things like phones and tablets out of sight so they are not distractions. I've said elsewhere that proper sleep hygene is incredibly important. Remember then to keep your bedroom free of all electonics including your phone.

Thank you. I need to work on my standards/criteria/boundaries when it comes to men and romantic encounters/dates... That's honestly very true for me...

I also appreciated that you said to get out once daily. When I don't work, I know I risk not going outside at least once. And I'm not counting the two seconds when I take one step outside to get the mail. I think I have an idea of what I can do today after I get my work done--which will be soon. I am definitely one who enjoys computer time--but too much computer time.

I have to also work on trusting my gut. I think I have a problem of rejecting people when my gut says to reject and move on. Therefore, I sometimes get into issues where I prolong the pain...

Thanks for all these pointers, just!

[VernonJenkins]

I can relate to desperation in relationships, romantic or other. I get attached quickly and strongly when I like someone, but rarely do people feel the same way about me. I've learned to hide that desperation so that I don't freak people out, but it still lurks under the surface.

Completely understood, Vernon. I think by getting into more relationships without healing...the cycle I've been going through...the more I've tried to hide this desperation without trying to work this type of feeling out with my T. I feel very lonely very often, but I can't even enjoy my own company. And I think this is where I need to take some time out, let this cycle die out, and figure out how I can appreciate myself a bit more.

I definitely understand how it feels to really like someone and then not have the feeling(s) returned. Not pleasant... That's when my desperation tends to peep out...and then flood out...and then a whole like of yikes/unpleasantness just rushes in...