Handling a drunken phone call.

I have a family member who keeps in touch with me through phone calls, since we live on opposite sides of the country. It's been a pretty warm relationship that means a lot to me. The problem is that sometimes I get calls from this person when there's alcohol on board. She gets depressed and angry when inebriated and can unexpectedly turn quite belligerant. Sometimes we have long phone chats that start off fine. I get the impression that she's drinking, while she's on the phone, and I notice that her speech changes and her mood shifts and her conversation takes a turn in a dark direction. The best thing, I've found, is for me to try and wind up the conversation and end the call before it gets darker. It's like dealing with Dr. Jekyll, as he drinks the serum, and turns into Mr. Hyde. The change in personality can be that astonishing and happen that quickly.

Recently, I just didn't catch on quickly enough. Ironically, she was telling me about a falling out she recently had with another relative. She even admitted that her drinking had been a factor in that situation and seemed to regret it. At this point, I noticed her speech getting slurred. Next thing she was ranting about how she was offended by me over something that had happened five years ago. It was drunken nonsense. I tried calming her down. If you've ever tried calming down someone who's drunk and agitated, you can guess how that went. Finally, I said, "Call me when you are not drinking." and I hung up. Since then, I've blamed myself for not handling things better. I tell myself that I could have said something different, or that I should have just listened and said nothing.

This has happened before and blown over. I don't know how much she even remembers the next day. So I may hear from her eventually . . . or not. Once she went a year not talking to me. I tried calling her last night, but no answer. Sometimes she becomes remorseful for her behavior. I don't know how she's going to process this.

I'm sad because this is a person who is dear to me. I've never criticized her drinking. The main problem doesn't seem to be that she is all that heavy a drinker. Rather it's that her personality changes so drastically when she drinks. Plus, she has demonstrated anger-control problems, even when not drinking. There are no lonstanding issues between us to cause hard feelings. That's the sad part. Basically, there's always been a fundamental warmth.

I'm depressed about this. I thought I had decided a few years ago that, if this happened again, I would just avoid contact with her and give up on trying to maintain the bond. However, the timing of this happening is awful. I'm barely coping with caring for my boyfriend who has been very ill and just got diagnosed with cancer. I guess I'm not worth any consideration.

I know that it's the correct step to say that you'll not entertain conversations when the other person is under the influence. It just really stinks that your relative isn't taking your next day calls. Alcoholism comes in many forms and for some 1 drop is all it takes.

Sorry you are going through this.

Are you trying as many coping strategies as you possibly can?

No. I'm just lying around feeling depressed.

For what it's worth I think you handled it appropriately. Taking abusive behavior from somebody is not healthy. You are still there for her to chat with while sober. If she decides to seek help I bet you'll be there for her. Otherwise you can not sacrifice your own well being for someone else. To help others you must first help yourself. Keep yourself strong so you can be there for her.

Thank you, I didn't lash out in anger. I can say that because I don't even get angry with her. I don't personalize what she says to me because I don't think it's about me. I think, under the influence, her own frustrations and hurts well up and she's just mad . . . and I happen to be there, so I become a target. But I can't just stand there and let myself be used for target practice. So I break off the interaction.

I have been, and would be, there for her through thick and thin. I don't even expect her to come through for me, as much as I have for her. I tell myself that she was the baby of the family . . . that I'm older . . . that she's had some bad luck . . . that my childhood was better than hers. But she is very intelligent, and she needs to grow up. I can't keep forever making excuses for her.

Sorry you feel bad about this. But you didn’t do anything wrong. I have many alcoholics in my family and my standing rule is that I don’t talk to them when they are drinking or under the influence of other drugs. When they call I just tell them that and hang up the phone. I’m sad that they are not addressing their addiction and not getting help, but there is nothing I can do about that.

I agree that I can't do anything about her drinking. Her own adult children complain that she overdoes it. Maybe, if I had adopted the policy of not continuing a conversation when there was the slightest sign she was under the influence, this could have been avoided. If we reconcile, maybe that should be the policy going forward. That would put a big chill in the relationship. But the alternative is to have breakdowns like we are in the midst of now.

Her life is hard. She's had more than her share of bad luck. It seems to have made her into an increasingly angry person. I feel sorry for her. But these incidents leave me hurt and upset. Then I have to recover, which takes time. I'm emotionally unstable enough with my own internal tendencies. I don't have the psychic energy to absorb these emotional sucker punches that come out of nowhere over nothing.

This is how i feel about phone calls from my aunts. They kinda try to replace my mother. They ask me about my brother and his family, etc, who i never talk to. They talk about how they miss my mother. They are both matriarchs of giganto dynasties. They have pretty busy lives. So they call me on Friday afternoon, or Saturday night, because of course I'm home alone. I dont answer the phone anymore. It still takes me time to recover from the attempted intrusion.

Unaluna - it sounds to me like those phone calls are not well-intentioned, but designed to have fun pushing your buttons. You do right to block their access to you.

I may be giving my sister too much the benefit of the doubt. I always figure she never intends for the conversation to get belligerent, but just falls prey to her dark moods. The truth is that she has quite a pattern of getting belligerent and aggressive in a variety of venues. The cops have been called on her more than once. I'm sorry for whatever psychic wound drives her antisocial tendencies. But it's becoming clear that she doesn't see me as someone she respects. There is a pattern in who she targets. Oddly enough, she tends to turn on the people who are most soft-hearted toward her. When drinking, she looks for weakness. I've always worried about her and felt anxious for her wellbeing. I think she exploits that. I have to look at how I may have enabled this behavior. I used to accept phone calls from her at 3 a.m. even if I had to get up for work a few hours later. They were drunken phone calls. The message I gave was "I'll put up with anything to have you in my life." I guess she'll be just as pushy and inconsiderate as she can get away with.

She knows I'm pretty much glued to this apartment as a caretaker to my boyfriend. So I'm available and vulnerable. She calls when she literally has nothing better to do . . . when she's alone and bored . . . when she's managed to alienate those around her. I tell myself she values support from me, but it feels more like I'm being used.

Funny parallel - she has a dynasty of her own, close at hand too. There's more than enough there to keep her busy. But they will only put up with so much from her. Then they bite back. That's often when she calls me to say how mistreated she is . . . and I've been sympathetic. No wonder she may think I'm a fool.

As you have focused on, the recovery time is disruptive. My equilibrium is fragile. I have to ask myself is it worth it. I think there is more manipulation going on here than I was allowing myself to recognize.

We had talked about me going to stay with her for a visit, when the time comes that I am alone. (My boyfriend has limited time left.) It meant a lot to me to feel I would have someone to be with when the time comes. It seems my pattern is to give too much for too little back. I have to question why I do that. It's very depressing to be running an emotional deficit all the time.

Yesterday, I kept busy all day. That made me feel so good and pleased with the things I got done. This morning I woke up extra sore . . . I guess from yesterday's exertions. So I lounged around. That was a bad mistake. I got to thinking about this estrangement and I wound up crying for an hour.

I don't know how people can not know they're being hurtful . . . or not care, if they do know. Also, they know I'm prone to depression - not that I ever expected or got special consideration because of that. It doesn't take much of a gesture to make me very grateful. They know that. But I struggle away very alone.

One minute, I think I should try very hard to repair the breech in relations. Then I think I should give up and let go . . . so I don't keep riding this roller coaster.

A counselor once told me that I idealized the members of my family and think that they will act better than how they do. I keep thinking that they are basically very loving, warm people. That's not the reality . . . just what I wanted to be true.

About 15 years ago, I went through a period of time with my best friend like this, though I was the drunk caller. I wasn't drunk, I was just super angry at life, had just left my fiancee and didn't know what to do with my anger except project (and yes, drink but I wasn't drunk at this time oddly enough). My friend and her husband were friends of ours, and I guess I decided one night that they hadn't supported our relationship and this led to some of our problems (I don't remember exactly what fueled it; it was 15 years ago). Anyway, when I started getting angry, my friend just said, "Whatever!" and hung up the phone. I was angry for a few days, because that was kind of my baseline, but I got over it, emailed her, and we talked.

My point is that you aren't required to talk to someone who is being belligerent and abusive just because they are a long time friend. It is okay to set boundaries, and I think what you said was perfectly acceptable. You didn't start yelling at her or escalate the situation. You just cut it right off. Trying to reason with a drunk person is like herding cats.

I think that it's okay to give the situation some space, and maybe try emailing or calling in a little while. My best friend and I also went through a year of not speaking to one another, but I don't think that this is something which will come to that. Strong ties are not often severed by something like this.

Thank you, Graystreet. I think you have become enwisened by your experience. Just letting some time pass might be the best thing for now. I have to tell myself that I won't keep feeling this bad, as more time passes. Nothing ever seems so bad when you get the distance to look back at it.

I've always wanted to believe that my close family members - like siblings - are my best friends in the world. But they didn't volunteer for that. People can't choose their relatives, but they can choose their friends. I moved far away, so I'm not very much a part of their lives. I did the best I could to be that, but people drift apart. They don't mind, if months go by that we don't talk. Maybe I have to learn to not mind.