[krzyk101]

Well, I do not really know where to begin with this. I have a friend who I have known for at least 7 years. At one time we were romantically involved though now and for the past few years we have just maintained as friends.

Since we first met he has been in 2 State Hospitals, one in which his is currently a patient. This last stay has been for a little over a year. I have been supportive through at least 2 letters a week with stamps and small things and phone calls about twice a month. This has been going very well as I really have no other friends in 3D and he hasn't really been around me in 3D for over a year as it is a long drive and I have not made it down to see him.

I called him tonight and he was telling me his is on the waiting list for a group home here, and when he gets out he is going to need me to be there for him as a friend for support.

He says he has the first 2 weeks to prove he is able to stay out of the State Hospital and needs me to spend time with him at the Day Center between his groups and activities there. He says even if it is to spend time together and sit in my car and talk.

All of this is really overwhelming me, as I do dearly love him as a friend, though as a long distance has been what I am capable of. He says I am the only one here who has been there for him while he has been there, and needs me to be around when he is at the Day Center.

And as selfish as this is and sounds, I don't want him to come home. All the while I care about him and know he has worked hard for this, only to me I just can't see myself getting around at 8 am, and leaving the house to go and spend time with him as much as he wants. He can't leave the Day Center, and I am only used to leaving my apartment once a day to go and run errands for about and hour then coming home. I just do not think I am capable to leave 2 -3 times a day to 'be there' as my normal once a day already overwhelms me and cases anxiety.

The very thoughts of all this of him coming home or 'getting out' has just distressed me. His is talking like every single day Monday thru Friday doing things or meeting him and spending time together and I guess I am afraid I can't handle all of that.

I just don't know if I can be what he needs me to be and be who 'I need me to be' both.

Has anyone else ever had a good friend or loved one away for a period of time then back into your life and had mixed feelings of their return? Any suggestions? Much apppreciated.

Thank you for thaking the time to read this-Chris

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~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[darkeyes]

Maybe try a gradual approach, very slow, at getting out more than once a day, maybe this can help you see him even if it isn't as many times as he would like, cause you need to think of your well being, do you think he would understand this and not be dissappointed? Like pace yourself out, not letting yourself get to a uncomfortable level in the 3d, but at the same time trying to spend more time outside of the home.
I do not know your situation too well to make suggestions like this but these are some things I myself would try if I were in your situation, it is rough when one hates to refuse helping someone they care about, but you need to consider how much of an effect sacfificing your time may have on you, take it in stride. I am sure your friend wouldn't want you to do anything that may cause you any setbacks, so see if you can explain this to him.
Just my 2 cents, meanwhile I think you are a terrific friend to this person to have done the things for him, and being supportive to him, that is such a beautiful thing

((((((((((((((((((((( Chris ))))))))))))

Take care,
DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[Sesquix]

I agree to set some firm boundaries. Unless you are ready to adopt this person, he needs to know that you have your own life and it does not evolve around his treatment. I had a similar situation and I was also nice in ways which you deemed supportive. Before I knew it I was expected to call and make regular meetings with my friend. This was my first encounter with such a person. I have never had a friend who would want to call every day, or even every month. I don't need that much contact with my friends nor do I want it. For me meeting a friend once every three months is ideal with calling twice a month. I have lots of friends and I don't want to have obligations with any one in particular. I am going through sort of the same thing with a girlfriend now. She was going through a rough time and I did one nice thing for her and she basically harassed me for two weeks.

[krzyk101]

Thanks DE

I do agree, I am going to have to pace myself on the time away from home, and think about myself as well. When he dropped all of this on me last night it seems I became so overwhelmed that the very thought of all this and before I knew it I became very depressed over the entire idea of all this.

Now thinking about it I do recall telling him on the phone last night or trying to explain to him that " I am sick myself" and do not know if I can do all he is asking for. He has in the past always been selfish and looking back expected for me to drop everything and put him first in 3D.

I am now since he has gone changed in so many ways and began to think of myself first. I no longer put others needs before my own, and that has taken along time to do. He is in many ways not able to understand this concept and I feel is not able to realize if I do too much of what I am not capaple of doing, then I am not going to be any help to him at all. I think I need to see that the very conversation had me raising my voice on the phone and it has been along time to where I get to that point.

Thany you so much for the Support DE and you as well are a great person with much knowlege and good advice- Thanks again - Chris

______________
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[krzyk101]

Sesquix

Thank you for your reply and for sharing your experience with your friends. I do agree with setting boundries, Thanks again for your reply.

______________
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[darkeyes]

I will have to say, YOU must think of yourself first, I know cause I have been putting loved ones before myself and now I am suffering with burnout and my deep depression has returned, amazing how our hearts can "betray" us sometimes, but we must work hard, consider ourselves, our well being before we allow our hearts to consume us.
Best of luck my dear friend. ((((((((((smootches )))))))))
So damn saying "no" isn't it ?

Take care and always feel free to PM me.


DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON