Why does he stay?

In my previous posts, I have discussed how I truly and emphatically believe that my husband is passive aggressive. He masks his true feelings in most situations, which makes it incredibly difficult to feel secure in a relationship.

I have told him on numerous occasions (we’ve been married for a long time) if you aren’t happy, you should leave. Please do not stay out of loyalty or obligation because that would make both of us miserable. We are pretty close right now.

I have told him, I wasn’t happy with some of the behaviors he demonstrates. I have asked him to work on some things. I don’t leave because I think he is the one driving the wedge between us. I need for him to be honest, first, then I would be better equipped to make a decision. It would be hard for me to leave without closure. I would always wonder if I assumed or was too impatient etc...

Although we spend time together, he seems to enjoy being alone. He will say that he wants to spend time with me and invite me into his space, but then he ignores me, gets on his computer or places music intolerably loud, so I will end up leaving. He gets what he wants without saying a word and still comes out looking like the good guy because he wanted to spend time with his wife (perception).

I have always had a healthy self-esteem, but the game is starting to wear me down. if he isn’t happy with the marriage, why does he stay? What is the benefit?

Men(I am one) are very simple. We are like dogs. We take you at your word, there is no subtext. More importantly we want to provide and be needed. If you tell us that you don't need us and don't care if we leave...that's a dagger in the heart of any man. Negative reeforcement doesn't work. Imagine if he listed off his problems with your quirks.

When things get bad enough, we will say whatever to resolve the situation asap.

He could be staying because he is lazy and doesn't care. Maybe he made a commitment that he won't break. Maybe he is just a regular guy whose wife gets on his case for pretty benign reasons.

But id consider rereading your post, because it sounds like your are the one who wants out of the marriage....but be able to blame him for its demise.

Just being honest based on the language...don't know your story, could be wrong.

My point is, of you do want him, don't tell him it's ok to leave. That's like telling a man you want them to leave and you have no use for them.

Hmmm. I don’t really have an answer to that question. I do have a question for you though. Why so YOU stay? It’s a two way street. You can’t control him. If his behavior is not acceptable than do something about it on your end.

I am sorry to answer your question with a question but why are you in this marriage? What are your reasons for sticking around despite being ‘pretty close to being miserable’?

Yes, I agree with the others. The flip side of the coin is, why do you stay? It sounds to me like you're pretty unhappy. People don't change easily without therapy. By waiting for him to fess up, you're giving up your own right to have a voice, feelings and an opinion on what YOU really want and need.

He may very well be "happy" with the marriage as it is--he gets to toy with you emotionally whenever he is feeling peevish and you put up with it. If he pulled that kind of a stunt with his boss or with a friend he might get fired or he might get a punch in the snoot. A lot of the people I've known who were passive aggressive had their pet victims to practice their P-A craft on. I'm thinking you are your hub's favorite victim. You might want to consider this: "How do I want my life to go from now forward?" and also "How do I want my life to go from now forward knowing that the hubs is unlikely to change?" I wish you the best.