[spal]

I hate fighting. I especially hate it when it's to do with a friend -- it feels like we are former friends -- that we are tied up in a business relationship with. We are trying to negotiate a contract and it's non-stop fighting. He is making demands that I cannot meet and we are arguing like a couple about to divorce. I don't want to work with him because I just don't like him anymore but he keeps saying that we have this oral contract. He wants to finish the contract because it will be a boost to his career. I could work with another person. It's not a question of money. I don't trust him anymore and I know that he doesn't trust me. I find him selfish.

The thing is that legally I am not bound to work with him. I want to break it off. I don't know if the reason that we are fighting like cats and dogs is because, ironically, we really want to find a way to, ironically, find a way back to our friendship. However, I find that we have both changed and are moving in different directions.

What do you do when you fight and there's no moving forward in a situation like this? I have to like whom I'm working with. I cannot just bite the bullet and stifle my feelings and feel like I am getting screwed over.

Please help. any advice would be welcome.

[sunrise]

Hi spaI, here is a book I found useful:
Diffficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most

I found this book very useful for improving both workplace and personal conversations and interactions. The central example used throughout the book is about a friendship/business relationship between 2 people that is suffering from one miscommunication after another. As I recall, one man is doing contract work for another man, his friend. This example is used to illustrate a lot of "do's and don'ts" and how to have those difficult conversations to work out your troubles.

[Doh2007]

Maybe others will have better ideas, but can you just make up a believable excuse to tell the other person why you can't keep doing this? If you can get some distance, you might be able to save the friendship.

I heard once that you should never have a business partner.

[GYPSYEYES]

imo... i take it he's not fulfilling his side of the "oral contract".. otherwise you probably wouldnt be arguing.. so since he's not... then why should you.

wish you luck.. its a knot in your stomach feeling..hang in there.

[spal]

thanks for the encouragement. I am getting that book tomorrow. The thing that is distressing me is that I am letting this affect my self-esteem. I feel like a loser because I am fighting, can't resolve it, feel like he has me over a barrel. I feel helpless. I don't have family I can turn to. Sometimes it's hard to deal with this stuff on one's own. I feel like giving up ... but I can't just throw my career down the toilet. I feel powerfless ... christ, it just feels like if you don't have a family on your side, you're emotionally and socially crippled for life.

[Perna]

Buy him out or take a loss, whatever you have to do for yourself. He can't make you "stay", that would be slavery :-) Get a lawyer to look at whatever is written ("oral" don't hold up anywhere legally and if you don't want him as a friend or partner, you are under no obligation, things have changed and he's become someone you don't wish to work with so he's broken any "oral" contract himself by changing the conditions you are working under!). Go see a lawyer if you're unsure about what you are obligated for. Everything else is gravy/friendship and if he's a four-legged rear end, then I don't blame you for wanting out. Don't let him browbeat you further.

[sabby]

Hi spal

Sounds like a difficult situation for sure. I guess what I have found through life is that when we haven't worked through our issues, we are kept in a place that is uncomfortable, worrying about what might be and just anxious.

I think you have to think through the possibilities...what would happen if you continued with your oral agreement? What would happen if you opted out? Best and worst case scenarios......in this way, you are then better prepared to make your decision and stick to it. Check the guilt at the door spal. You are allowed to do what you feel is best for you in any situation. Number 1 rule...take care of #1!!!

Speaking with an attorney is a great idea. Getting the legal aspects might help you calm down and feel better about your decision. Who's to say that this partner of yours can't find someone else to work with?? And the same goes for you too!

I wish you well spal....and I hope you feel better about things soon.

Hugssss
sabby

[spal]

thanks everyone. I appreciate your sane advice. My anxiety level is through the roof. It's not because of the contract, it's because I feel angry at my former friend and I feel like I am over a barrel. I have negotiated contracts and have had contracts on a handshake with no problem for the last 16 years. But I don't trust him -- because he doesn't trust me. He speaks to me with either aggression or manipulation and then tempers it with sweet talk trying to get me to see "reason". He can't get it that just like he's protecting his interests I have to protect my own. He wants to "negotiate" until I give in. He doesn't get that I don't want to "negotiate" forever that at one point, he has to either say "yes" or "no". That there are certain things that are non-negotiable for me. Oh God, I cannot even write about it because I get so anxious that I want to give up on my entire life.

Don't give up. Try to give yourself some space. Sounds like you really need some breathing room for a while. Honour yourself and the rest will fall into play. Take all the time you need to centre yourself before you expect to know what steps to take next. "The next steps to take are always clear in time to take them." Give yourself time to prepare your mind to think clearly. Then you will be able to see the next steps you are to take.

Trust that it will work out in time for you and your friend to resolve the differences and preserve the friendship. Give it time.

Wishing you well..... take good care.

[spal]

I just wanted to update what happened. I calmed down and found a lawyer -- a wonderful, experienced, COMPETENT no-nonsense lawyer. She was very straighforward about what had to happen. She cost a pretty penny but I figured it was worth it for peace of mind and for having competent representation.

It turns out that everything that he was telling me was ********.. All the things that his agents were telling him were "normal" were just things to get him to make outrageous demands so I can give in so they could get their cut. I fell for it for a previous contract where I overpaid him. Now I find out that what was considered "normal" was not "normal" at all. My instincts were right.

I even told this lawyer that I all I wanted was to be fair, not to be ripped off and to offer something fair and she still said that that the stuff that I felt uncomfortable was not kosher.

So she is doing the negotiating. She knows the agency and she will protect my interests. I am relieved and happy that I stood up for myself AND LUCKY that I found such a competent and experienced lawyer.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. It made a difference.

[Doh2007]

I love it when someone finds a solution to a tough problem. Way to go!!