Realizing my circle of emotion

why does it take a miracle for me to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sick of myself...to the point where just writing this is making me feel so disgusted about myself. The disgust is overwhelming....is there a pattern...hmm...first i had ....just feeling down feelings....then there was sad......then there was denial....then physical feeling like my heart was breaking agony....then more denial.......then realization....then anger ...then an accepting sadness....then a brief period of uneasy happiness...sort of afraid be better along with some disgust... knowing each time you feel better it comes down again..plus you dont know how to be happy anymore...we spend our whole lives surviving these bad feelings and wanting to make them go away and when they go away for alittle bit...your uneasy..it makes you want to puke..ok it makes ME want to puke....what is going on? Then it will start all over again........can anyone relate? Im almost afraid to be better!!!! But as i write that i know i am not better....and wont be for awhile..that this is just a period ...ya know? i know its confusing...but im not better...and im starting to feel those down feelings again....and you try to shake it off...the tettering on the edge feeling, taking a shower watching a movie...but all the while you feel so antsy because of it...like your about to jump out of your skin feeling because its such an uneasy feeling....meh

love, Inny

I can relate. It's almost like I got so used to feeling bad, it's where I became most comfortable. Sounds crazy, yes, to be comfortable feeling uncomfortable. But there's a bit more to it than that for me. Letting myself feel uncomfortable and pained about my past and how it has continued to affect me -- this is a whole lot better than stuffing it and numbing it with self-destructive behaviors. It also makes it feel real -- like I can't really believe even now that I was so horribly abused. I really worked hard for so long to deny it happened, deny how bad it was, deny that it mattered --- but, in fact, it was always with me and it hurt really, really bad. What it all boils down to -- feeling bad and disgusted and sad and horrified, it's all part of my grief. I need to grieve. I was too afraid to cry for about 20 years. I have to let it out. I'm not happy. So I cry. At least now I can cry. I can cry without them screaming at me, hitting me, r**ing me again. I'm so grateful to feel sad, instead of afraid.

You're not alone, Inny.

mtd