Fending off other women

Well I wasn't advocating breaking up but I tend to try to steer myself away from good looking guys because they tend to be a lot of trouble.

I can understand that. He is no GQ man, but he is definittely very handsome, at least I tend to think so. More than that, he's a genuinely nice, decent person and women are attracted to that. But oh well, I cannot be with someone who is not attractive enough to me either. I want handsome, but this aspect comes with the territory. At least he's not a flirt and is the type who will devote himself 100%.

that's quite a reductive solution. I mean guys that are trouble come in forms of less than attractive and attractive. to assume they are trouble because of their looks seems silly?

No it is based off experience.

I don’t understand why good looking men are trouble? I don’t see it to be true at all. My husband is nice looking (isn’t a model). He is no trouble. But my brother and one nephew actually do look like models and they aren’t any trouble, they are upstanding men in
all aspects. I had long term ex who is exceptionally good looking. No trouble at all. I’ve met some average looking guys who were trouble and so on. I don’t understand why generalize and stereotype good looking people?

I'm worried I'm not adding much that the rest of you haven't already touched on, but here I go anyway, just because I'm coming from a slightly different standpoint.

I'm a woman married to another woman, and we both draw in different demographics of people. In LGBT spaces, there can be a lot of overt flirting, even with folks already very obviously in relationships. There was a period of time where I'd get my feathers ruffled over strangers getting flirty (or even touchy!) with my wife, but with effort, I've learned to take it with a grain of salt. Like you, I know my spouse and I are loyal to each other, and these obnoxious (though sometimes weirdly flattering) advances aren't a threat.

So I guess I'm just contributing to what divine1966 said earlier in the thread about different environments bringing out different (but still unacceptable) behavior in people. Now we just laugh it off and tease each other about being so dang irresistible.

(And I'm glad you told off the semi-friend! Sounds like it was the right way to handle the situation.)

Thank you for the validation!

Yes, I suppose different environments & cultures can breed overt flirting. I know it's very annoying and offensive to my boyfriend when it happens in reverse. We both feel the same way about it. I suppose I could take your angle on it, and just think that we must both be irresistible! haha.

Just point it out to them, with mild hints at least
Or trust that your boyfriend can handle this

good for you eve!!! i'm glad you confronted her, if some creep ran their fingers through my wifes hair i'd knock em out cold
i'm pretty sure wifey would too

Thank you.

She never even replied, but I could see that she read the email (facebook messenger). She has no class. A woman with class would have at least apologized. Hell, a woman with class would not hit on someone else's boyfriend right in front of them.

So my friend did reply. She is trying to tell me that she doesn't remember, that she doesn't even remember leaving the bar that night, and that she doesn't know how she got that drunk. I don't know if I am more annoyed by her doing putting her hands through my boyfriend's hair, or by her lying and covering it up to me. And I believe she is lying.... it just seems like a convenient excuse to say "I was drunk and I don't remember". And I opened the door for that by asking if she was drunk -- ugh.

I think you could accept her apology and say that she shouldn't get that drunk again, since it's clearly dangerous. The next time she does flirt with your bf, call her out and ask her on the spot if she is drunk.

Thanks -- I actually did exactly as you suggested. I accepted her apology and said maybe she should watch her drinking. I also told her to please understand if we are not as friendly towards her. She says she feels very embarrassed. I believe that part.

Thing is, I don't know her very well, but I do know she has a rather shady past doing drug dealing. I suspect she remembers putting her hands on my boyfriend but is too embarrassed to admit to it.

Dammit. This issue has crept up again with my boyfriend & we just had a BIG huge argument about it.

This woman we both met together and whom we don't know very well, instant messaged my bf today on FB about her recent breakup. She went on and on about this, that and the other about her life & the breakup (he showed me the messages), and then mentioned at the end that she hopes to see us both soon (mentioning me).

I honestly found this very strange given:

1. We both met her as a couple, together, so it's not like she met him first, then me later

2. She is not better friends with him or better acquainted with him over me

3. She chose to message HIM about her breakup, and not ME, a female, that she could most likely talk to more about it

4. I am also friends with her on FB, so that's not the issue

5. She seems to like and feel comfortable with both of us equally, as far as I can tell

So my alerts went up instantly and my gut tells me that she is up to something else, especially given her recent breakup. I also happen to know that she is totally off her rocker, in the little time I've known her.

My gut has typically been dead on about these kinds of things, concerning other women having alterior motives, when what they do may seem innocent enough.

So now he and I just had a big argument over it, he's upset and decided to lie down for a while. I told him I wasn't upset with him at all..... I told him I am mainly just questioning why she messaged him and not me, and I feel mistrustful of it and a little wary.

I also asked him if he would think the same things if the roles were reversed, and he said yes, 9 times out of 10, but in this case, he thinks it's totally innocent.

The last time I went through a similar scenario with an ex boyfriend about a woman who was messaging him, it turned out I was 100% accurate that she was interested in him, even though she was married and he was engaged to me.

So I don't trust women as far as I can throw them, and she is no exception to the rule. Plus, I know she's absolutely bonkers, which just adds to my feeling or gut reaction of instant mistrust.

Then, while we were arguing, he started replying to someone else's text, so I looked at his phone while he was texting, and he turned the phone slightly away from me as though he didn't want me reading it. So I questioned him and asked, are you trying to hide something? Why are you tilting the phone away from me? Then he got upset. Ok, so I prob should not have questioned him or seemed mistrustful, and I prob should not have been looking, but it was very weird to me. Turns out it was just a male co-worker asking him for a favor.

So now the evening is tainted, or perhaps even ruined, with him because of this stupid issue arising. We're going to his friends for dinner, & now things are totally tense between us & I don't know what to do.

I think part of the reason this kind of thing happens so much is because women have this curse of only being attracted to a small percentage of the male population, namely the super hot ones. Those poor women probably can't find any guys they're attracted to other than your boyfriend. I pity women in this regard. As a man, I never feel the need to hit on someone else's girlfriend because there are just so many other options!

Where you get these stats from? Women are only attracted to a few super hot men? Women have this curse? Which women?

You and your boyfriend might need to become more selective in choosing friends. It sounds that you keep befriending some strange characters who don’t enrich your life. Increase your standards and you won’t have that problem. None of my girlfriends hit on my husband. They aren’t the type to act like that. Just choose more wisely who you associate with.

Hmm... thanks, but yeah I disagree that women are only attracted to super hot men. That is not true.

Hmmm.... yeah, you may be right. It's the music-loving crowd we hang out in.

Sounds like a boundary issue with your bf. I had an exbf that was just about every woman's sounding board. Which sort of came to light at my hs reunion last night with my friend teasing out a little from another woman after his name came up by one of these so called 'friends of ours'. Basically this other woman who was a so called friend of mine and his back then brought his name up. My friend then did a conversational tease in bringing me into the topic. I mentioned something that I hadn't spoken with him in years having left on decent terms but when I reconnected a brief while on fb the backlash from others was not worth my energy and I reexited. This other woman said she something like a wall went up on her facial expression then casually disappeared to another table for the night.
Even if not a conscious thought, it begins subconsciously.
Maybe your bf turned his phone self consciously?
Stick to your gut.

Hnmmm, yeah, I don't know? It's really only the second time this has happened, really. But when it does, it's kind of obvious to me. He claims he didn't mean to turn his phone away. Guess I won't overanalyze that one since he was texting with a male co-worker, but our female acquaintance? I am not sure how to handle that if she messages him again.

If your bf is up to it, maybe reply from your account. Say that he showed you what she's going through and say in the spirit of sisterhood here's your advice and shoulder to lean on.

yeah, that's what I was thinking! Thanks!

your bf may feel caught between a rock and a hard place?. If she's going through a breakup her confidence etc may be a little shaky, so a male perspective may be a subconscious ego boost?. However, it's a boundriless effort on her part because you are a part of this picture. By you reaching out to her, in his place, enforces the idea that your relationship has boundaries.

All very possible! And thank you.... I agree with you!


I will wait and see if she contacts him again, then I'll suggest I reach out to her instead of him.