Wow

So this weekend I stayed at my house while my wife went out of town with the kids. Before she left I asked if there was anything that needed to be taken care of and she said "Do whatever you want to do." So Saturday I washed my clothes and all of hers except for the colds (I hate washing colds I never know what I should do). When she got home today she was disappointed that I did not help her out by cutting the grass, which I thought did not need to be done. I guess I am a little confused as to what I am supposed to do. I have not felt like it has been my home for over two months. Any help?

I don't kow your wife but I can explain what I would like done. I guess I am kind of a traditional wife, I would rather do laundry and let my husband do the lawn or any other outside task like trimming bushes or any minor repair that might need to be done. I would rather take care of the inside of the house. Although and occassional tidying would be nice.

I am not sure if this helps. It is only one woman's opinion.

Linda

Oh, yes...that communication thing where I expect my husband to be able to know my every need and read my mind...

My husband could have very easily written this just a couple of years ago. I expected him to know how I was feeling, what I needed and when I need it. It's obvious, right? Wrong...

People, especially men and women, view things differently. Your focus was on what you thought she might appreciate and her focus seemed to be on what she thought you would do, then expected it. Lots of thoughts going on, with not enough words, yes? It was the same with me and hubby.

It caused much disappointment for me and much frustration for him.

We had to learn to open our mouths and communicate clearly our thoughts, but especially our needs.

Can you explain to your wife that you "thought" you did what she would appreciate and that if she expected something specific, it would have been preferred that she state it so that she's not left disappointed and you're not "set up" to fail?

KD

I don't even know if she took notice of those things. I was not doing them because I thought she would appreciate it, I did it because I saw they needed to be done. Well except for her clothes, I did that because I thought she would appreciate it. I really did not feel that the yard needed to be cut. I did not go there in hopes of doing things that she would look at me and say, Gee honey thanks for doing that for me. I did the things because I know they needed to be done. I seek no affirmation for those things, because if I did I would have sent her a text message saying Look what I did honey. I am just at a loss sorry.

like kimmy said hon it is all about communication and this it seems was on her part for not asking that you mow the lawn. even if you didn't think it needed it.

I do not place blame on anyone.

My wife and I play this game a lot. I'm one of those guys that really tries to do my share but I frequently am not doing what she wants. So I frequently stress that she needs to be clear if she wants something specific done.

It's an ongoing struggle that I suspect plays out in millions of households every day.

My approach is to just revisit the topic pretty frequently. It helps.

Cyran0

Hi dragonphoto, these little communication snafus are so important. It would have been helpful to you if your wife let you know she wanted the lawn mowed when you asked her what she needed. She didn't. Can you two learn from this? I have seen in another thread that you and your wife are going to couples therapy. One of the most valuable things that can come out of couples therapy is better communication. Can you share this incident with your counselor next time you see him/her? This will help clue him/her in to the communication patterns between you two that he can work with you to improve.

I'm not saying this is the case with your wife, but sometimes when the woman feels she has been neglected and her needs not met for a long time, it becomes really scary to tell her partner what she needs, for fear of rejection. The very act of asking for something is terrifying. Even something like, "would you be able to mow the lawn, please?" This is something the woman can work on in therapy. Again, not saying this is the situation in your relationship...

Thank you very much I appreciate everything everybody has suggested. Honestly I am not sure what is going on and I am really distressed about it because I do not want my anger to appear again. I did not feel myself getting angry but I was so worried that I would fly off the handle. The best thing was I controlled it.

Lack of communication. Yup! You did exactly as you were told; whatever you wanted. Your wife needs some lessons on communication; clear and concise. You should have gotten a "Thank you, Honey!" and that's ALL.

But next time, if you want her to think you can read her mind, do "men" things around the house; things she can't do as well or as easily as you can.

It might help you if you ask her to be more precise in what she would like you to do. Tell her that you don't want to disappoint her like you did this last time.

We women do expect our husbands to know what we want and need, but it's NOT FAIR. I don't know any mind readers, do you? It's not fair of either partner to expect the other to know what the other wants or needs. We need to learn to communicate.

Sometimes I need to ask my husband what he heard me say or ask for to make sure he gets it. He'll hear a word or two and think he knows the rest of what I'm going to say and invariably gets it all wrong. EEESH!

There was a book that came out a long, long time ago called P.E.T. It's about communication. I hated it back then, but there have been times I've had to use the information in it. There may be better books today.

bring it up in counseling sessions about her lack of letting you know what she wants. none of us are mind readers.

One other thing I remebered was I used to make "Honey-Do" lists. It was easier for me to put the things I wanted done on paper. I figured he could do them as he felt which were most important. The only problem with that is he never really did anything on the list .

Linda

I would be more than happy to get a list, anytime she is cleaning on a saturday and I am at work when I get home I look at her list and figure out what I can do. Not because I want her to praise me, but because I know that it is hard work and she would like some help. That is what two people do when they love each other, they help one another.

I have no original statement. But I can tell you what she was probably thinking "I can do the laundry while I'm doing other things, but when I'm mowing the lawn that's all I can do". I do the same thing.

I was SURE my husband knew what I wanted him to do just because the thought ran through my mind. I was sure that I let him know in other ways, turns out, nope those were all in my mind too. Those scowls in the direction of the yard, how could he possibly miss those?!? Ok so maybe he wasn't in the room but he should have figured it out right?

The important thing is that you talk about it so it doesn't get filed away under "unresolved" and rear its ugly head (for you or her) as resentment and anger later. If you don't let her know that she has to tell you point blank what she wants you to do, she's going to go on thinking that you can read her mind and just choose the jobs you wanted to do instead of what needed to be done and leave the crappy jobs for her. (So I've heard, I've not had this discussion myself *cough*)

And at some point in time, and it will come as a shock to her I guarantee you're going to come in with at laundry list (no pun intended) of things that you've gone out of your way to make her life easier and she didn't notice.

I don't know why this is such a difficult thing for married people to do. It's so simple and so effective. I have to go now, it seems I owe someone an apology. A work in progress.